Narr: The Flashpack sat in yet another Kovacs Jam Session,
staring forlornly at the televisions reporting on their big scandal.
Newsman: (fading in) And in hour seventeen after the revelation of what is
being called "The Crenshaw Affair," the Flashpack still refuses
to comment on the suspicious events surrounding the death of their former
comrade. Many question whether a member of an organization that leaves its
members to die is truly equipped to...(fading out)
Marsh: (fading in, outraged) ...patently disgraceful, Ms. Blane, that Smitty
would strike out against a politically naive and basically wholesome boy this
way! I've never seen such a blatant display of political backstabbing! Don't
tell me that this underhanded betrayal has anything to do with...(fading out)
Wally O'Roark: (fading in, pompous and self-important) ...I don't even think
the Crenshaw Affair is legitimate. I think it's a ploy BY the Kovacs camp
to take attention off his position on deficit spending, which is known to
Drallus: (drowning him out with a primal scream) AHHHHHHHHHHH! (sound of
shattering glass cuts him off)
Furtrace: Oh my hairballs, Drallus, are you okay?
Drallus: (still upset) I'm fine, just couldn't listen to that...MAN...talk
about Julie like she was some sort of political ploy.
Slotter: Shame about the TV, though.
Keane: This is bad. The blog-axy is roasting us alive about Julie.
Thronfield: I can't believe this turned into a such a catastrophe. How could
Smitty turn against a fellow Republican like this?
Molly: (crying) They won't...they won't stop talking about Julie...
Jimmy: Jill, for God's sake, turn them off! (voices
stop) Now, what are we
going to do?
Keane: Well, the easiest solution is to distance ourselves from Jimmy. The...incident
with Julie is a concern of the group as a whole, not just him. W could -
Jimmy: No. No way. You guys are my family. I won't abandon you a week before
the election to build my popularity. That's not even an option.
Max: But we have to do something! We can't sacrifice Jimmy's chance to be
President over this!
Drallus: Well, what can we do? I know that Jimmy's our friend, but -
Slotter: Friends! That's it!
Slotter: The Flashpack's actions are what's hurting Jimmy now; what if we
play it on the other end?
Keane: We've been promoting the good works of the Flashpack since the election
Slotter: But what if it wasn't us? What if we had some of the friends we
helped in the past speak for us?
Max: The Flashpack's helped people all over the nation - there must be millions
Jimmy: But there's only a week before the election.
Slotter: Then we take the country by storm. A week-long barnstorming marathon
Molly: We could use the hyperjets I just finished working on! It just might
Max: Then let's get out there and show this country what we've done! Flashpack!
Narr: And so the Flashpack began one of the most bold moves of their career;
a sweep across America. From the shining skyscrapers of New York City, where
the science-hero Excelsius spoke out for them...
Excelsius: If not for the timely intervention of Jimmy Kovacs and the Flashpack,
the barbarous attacks of September 11, 2001 would surely have destroyed the
majestic Global Commerce Annex. Gotham owes these intrepid adventurers an
enormous debt of gratitude. (applause) I may be able to control temperature,
but when the 'heat is on' you can always turn to the Flashpack. (laughter) It will be my pleasure to help the Flashpack on election day. I would like
to use this time, if I may, to perform one of the violin concertos on my upcoming
album, which I have named, "Flight of the Flashpack." (brief violin
music to cheering, fades)
Narr: ...to the golden shores of Venice Beach, California, where champion
surfer Jane Raye lauded them...
Jane Raye: Yeah, and then Caliban and his fish army were, like, all up on
the waves, wielding huge spears and driving crabmobiles, MASSIVE bummer. If
not for the Flashpack's, like, totally awesome moves, we'd have been slaughtered
wholesale for sure. They're rad! (cheering)
Narr: ...and even farther afield, to the shores of Mare Nectaris on the young
state of Luna.
Nigel Moonfellow: The people of Luna are grateful, not only to the Flashpack
as a whole, but to Mr. Kovacs in particular. It was he who negotiated a peace
settlement between colonists and indigenous Lunans, working tirelessly to
a nonviolent solution and campaigning for Lunar statehood. Luna can find no
better candidate to vote for as its first President than Jimmy Kovacs. (beat)
Jimmy: (also over radio) Why can't we hear them applauding?
Molly: (ditto) There's still not enough air on Luna to make sounds audible.
Jimmy: Oh yeah, right.
Narr: Support came from comrades in arms, like the quirky Dr. Nektori Stellof...
Stellof: There we were, suspended over the Quotidian Bridge, Mr. Banal's
legions of Drab surrounding us on all sides. It took Jimmy's quick thinking
to distract them while Ms. Singh and I overloaded his wonder-suppressant fields.
Otherwise we would surely be dead and Mr. Banal would have eliminated all
magic, mad science and amazement from the world. Alaska's citizens, who depend
especially on the Warmerizers to not freeze, owe a lot to Jimmy and the rest
of the Flashpack! (cheering)
Narr: And others who had borne witness to their deeds, like Atlanta social
activist Mary Cartwright...
Mary Cartwright: (Southern, matronly) ...that horrible Robo-Sherman was just
a-marchin' on down to the sea, ready to burn Atlanta right to the ground!
There was plasma everywhere, it was surely the most horrible moment our fair
city has ever suffered. Not only was the Flashpack able to repel the MechaYankee
menace, they also played a vital role in the rebuilding of the damaged city.
My first encounter with Jimmy Kovacs is when I took this picture. He was about
twelve at the time, y'see, and he was deliverin' lunch-pails to folks working
at the top of Johnson Tower with his little heli-pack. Isn't he just darlin'?
(chorus of 'awwwwwww')
Jimmy: Oh jeez...
Slotter: Hey, don't knock it, Jimbo. This'll help you a lot in the South.
Jimmy: But I look so goofy...
Slotter: Polls indicate that Georgians love heli-packs. It reminds them of
simpler times, when skies were quieter. They're eating it up.
Narr: Not that every stop was an overwhelming success.
Slotter: Okay, I give up, where is everyone?
Keane: There's a concert across town.
Furtrace: Who's performing?
Keane: Let's see...The Revisionists, Me and My Killing Mahine and Slade Gonzolo.
Drallus: Oh my gods, Slade Gonzolo? He's awesome!
Jimmy: Gee, thanks.
Slotter: Don't worry, Jimbo. Seattle's a bust; we'll do better in Houston.
Narr: Those who knew the 'pack intimately came forward...
Glassman: Jimmy's a fine boy, known him since he was knee-high to a grasshopper.
After his folks died I wasn't sure the Flashpack was the best place for a
boy like him, but they've brought out the best in him. (momentarily sentimental) My nephew's grown up to be a good man. Would've done his mama proud. (restrained
Narr: ...as well as those who'd been touched only briefly by their bravery.
Leif Nylund: (rambling like a motherfucker) The people of St. Olaf would
surely have never survived the anger of Zorn the Volcano-God-King if the Flashpack
hadn't intervened. It was a harsh day in October, and the harvest had only
just been finished when old man Eriksson's field kind of buckled and swelled
and began leaking white-hot magma, well, I guess it's called lava if it gets
out of the ground, isn't it? (cries of "yeah, I think so", etc.) I thought so, old Bessie Schmelhaft's boy went off to college to be a geologist,
he said that there's a difference depending on whether or not it's...(he continues
over the next few lines)
Max: Where do we fit into all this?
Keane: We were flying by and were curious why there was a volcano in Minnesota.
Molly: Did we shoot him? Zorn sound like the kind of guy we'd shoot.
Jimmy: Freezing, I think.
Slotter: That explains the big ugly statue in the square. (Leif stops speaking,
Narr: By the morning of the third debate, the 'pack had criss-crossed the
country almost six times, made a stop in every state of the Union and shaken
exactly 135,278,694 hands between the seven of them. Despite the exhaustion,
there was nonetheless a feeling of great personal victory.
Slotter: Okay, Jimbo, remember for the debate; don't mention Julie, don't
hesitate to mention your double, and don't let Marsh talk too much about Presitron.
Jimmy: You've got to be kidding, Jill. He's not going to bring up Presitron.
Slotter: Don't be so sure. It was a major embarassment for the party, Democrats
love to rehash it.
Jimmy: I was, like, 9 when he was elected.
Slotter: And would you have voted for him?
Jimmy: Well, yeah...
Slotter: Don't tell them that, okay?
Jimmy: Fine. You think we can win this, Jill?
Slotter: Don't ever doubt it, Jimmy. It'll take more than a Massachusetts
liberal to stop the guy who talked down the Empress of Planet Q.
Jimmy: Yeah...yeah...yeah! I'm not going to let anything stop me! I won't
quit until I'm in the White House.
Slotter: Well, technically you can't quit then. You'll be President.
Jimmy: Oh yeah, right. Almost forgot.
Jimmy: Well, either way, I'm not going to give up. I've got a great campaign
manager, a spectacular bunch of friends, and the support of an entire country.
Nothing's gonna come between me and my - (dangerometer alarm) Oh, crap.
Molly: What's up? I heard the dangerometer go off!
Max: Some kind of disturbance in the Miniverse! Perhaps it's the malevolent
Drallus: He's been dead for months!
Max: (sheepish) Well, I like saying his name...
Keane: Whatever. We need to get in there.
Slotter: We can't! Jimmy's got to debate in a few hours!
Jimmy: Don't be ridiculous! This is an emergency!
Slotter: We've come too far to skip out on the debate now!
Jimmy: But we can't just let those people suffer. You've got to go. I can
use one of the hyper-jets to reach the debates, no problem. You guys go.
Slotter: I'll stay behind too. Someone needs to make sure you get there safe.
Max: We'll be rooting for you, Jimmy.
Slotter: You know, when you aren't fighting the tiniest of terrors.
Jimmy: Just go. If you get back during the debate, tune in and watch.
Max: Then let's get in there and fight! Flashpack!
All but Jimmy: Flashpack! (*SCIENCE NOISES*)
Narr: The 'pack's trip into the Miniverse was short, as first space and then
time dilated to allow them into the world that lives in the shadow of ours.
The impossibly tall (comparatively) towers of Tinyopolis dominated their field
of vision, and the Mininiks were gathered in their legions in the Wee Plaza,
the largest open space in the entire Miniverse. (crowd hubbub)
Keane: They don't seem in any real danger.
Max: Appearances can be deceiving. Let's find out what's what before jumping
Tatehla Little: (squeaky, high) Flashpack! Thank goodness you're here! But
Molly: What? Uh, he had to stick behind to debate.
Little: Oh no! We'd hoped to wish him luck before the debate! We set up a
fireworks display! (fireworks noises)
Keane: Fireworks? In a crowded cityscape?
Drallus: That'd set off the dangerometer.
Max: Leaping Leptons! We need to get back to the Macroverse or we'll miss
Narr: As the 'pack makes an apologetic departure, their youngest member prepares
to face a challenge that will take all his courage to conquer. Can he withstand
the final debate of his campaign? Will their friends be able to carry election
day? Find out on the next thrilling episode of Epic Echoes: Jam It Up.