Narr: As the sky around the Flashpoint became slowly brighter, there was
something distinctive about the atmosphere inside the building. For this group
of evil-fighting, ass-kicking, emotion-suppressing teens, love was most definitely
and overtly in the air. In one room, the young Jimmy Kovacs was tossing and
turning as nightmares of his, er, “conquest” of the Empress of
Alter-Earth ran through his waking mind:
Jimmy: (as though dreaming) Oh gods, the horror, the terror…the…utter
Narr: Meanwhile, not too far down the hall, Drallus lay with only her thin
sheets replacing her usual nightwear. The recently-turned-male Jill Slotter
sat on the edge of her bed donning yesterday’s tee-shirt. He heard Drallus
take a small breath, as though she was about to speak. He kept his back to
Man-Slotter: Let’s not…um…do…this. There’s
nothing we can say that will make this any less weird, so let’s just…not
talk about it. At all. And especially not to other people. (pause – this
is weird, he might suffer terrible rejection) You know what’s weirdest…?
Drallus: I liked it.
Man-Slotter: (relieved, but still weirded-out) Yeah. Me too. (beat) You know
what’s in the top three?
Drallus: Having a- I mean…well…having man parts?
Drallus: Well, you…uh…seemed to adapt pretty quickly.
Man-Slotter: Okay, moving on. (beat) Drallus?
Man-Slotter: This is probably a really awkward question, but it’s not
like there’s anyone else I can ask.
Drallus: Anything, Jill.
Man-Slotter: Am I still…well, what I mean is, does this count as my
Drallus: Oh geez. That’s a tough one. I mean, technically, I guess
you did…have your first…but you’re clearly not feeling yourself
lately, so you’re the only one who can really decide that.
Man-Slotter: I guess you’re right. It’s funny, we fight all kinds
of monsters and villains from every galaxy, dimension, and time zone, and
this turns out to be the most confusing thing I think I’ve ever gone
Drallus: I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any assistance.
Man-Slotter: (a little coy) Well, I wouldn’t say that...
Drallus: Oh, Jill! You’re terrible! Come on, you’ll be alright.
Here, we can still hug, right? That’s not too awkward, is it?
Man-Slotter: Of course not. Thanks, Drallus.
(FX: beeping of her videophone)
Drallus: (mixture of excitement and disappointment) Is that Furtrace?
Man-Slotter: Yes! I’ll…just go take it in my room. Later, Drallus.
Narr: A slightly disheveled Man-Slotter bumped into Max on the way to his
Max: Good morning, Slotter. How are you feeling? You look a little…lost.
Man-Slotter: (covering for the fact that he just BONED
Drallus) Oh! Uh, I’m
okay. It’s just, uh…I just had to go to the bathroom and, well,
it’s a little weird adjusting to the, uh, new way I have to do that.
Max: (awkward chuckle) Oh, you’ll be fine. You’ll probably find
it easier (laughs too heartily and fades out when he realizes he’s talking
about Slotter’s privates)
Man-Slotter: Yeah, apparently I’m, uh, adapting quickly.
Max: Yeah. Well anyway, I’m assembling everyone in Control Room 5.
Man-Slotter: Well, I’m not sure I’ll be joining you. Furtrace
is calling on my videophone.
Max: Oh! Well I hope it’s good news.
Man-Slotter: Me too. But I may have to leave quickly. It might be time-sensitive.
Max: Well I’ll understand if you don’t show up, and I’ll
fill the others in. Now go answer that damn thing, it’s been flashing
for nearly a minute.
Man-Slotter: Aye-aye, captain. (pause) Furtrace!
Furtrace: Took you long enough!
Man-Slotter: Sorry, Max is calling a meeting and I had to tell him I might
not be there. That is, if you have good news?
Furtrace: I have a spell for you. It took a while to find, your condition
is actually very difficult to reverse.
Man-Slotter: Oh you little fuzzball, how can I thank you?
Furtrace: By turning back into a girl. You’re kind of fruity as a guy.
Man-Slotter: Well, what do we do? Do you come here, or do I go there, or
how does this work?
Furtrace: Well, it involves a two-part potion.
Man-Slotter: Okay, what are the parts?
Furtrace: Well, that’s the thing.
Man-Slotter: Uh-oh. What’s the thing?
Furtrace: Well, the easy part is the unicorn saliva.
Man-Slotter: You call that easy? Do you have some way to magic us onto Chimeraxy-7?
Furtrace: No, dummy. It’s almost impossible to get onto the unicorn
planet without proving you have a pure heart. As nice as you think you are,
I can’t magic your heart pure.
Man-Slotter: Get to the part where it’s easy.
Furtrace: Most unicorns are magic users.
Man-Slotter: Of course, you must have crossed paths.
Furtrace: I helped one many years ago and in return she gave me a vial of
her magic saliva.
Man-Slotter: That’s pretty gross. But…helpful, I guess. What’s
the second part?
Furtrace: That one is not so clear. It needs to be another fantastical creature.
Man-Slotter: Um…there are lots of fantastical creatures in the universe,
Furtrace: Yes, but this one has to be Marsupial in nature.
Man-Slotter: Oh. (beat) Okay, I think I can handle that one. But we’re
going to have to travel. I’m going to make a call. Get some cool clothing
on and come get me in ten minutes.
Narr: With Furtrace and Slotter off to potentially change Jill’s life
for the second time in a few days, Max had successfully assembled a dumbfounded
Flashpack in Control Room 5. Dumbfounded because the message on one of their
main monitors had a threatening air to it, but virtually no threatening content.
Molly: (reading) Attention Doomed Flashpack: Assemble in Control Room 5.
Drallus: He actually wrote out his evil laugh.
Jimmy: Could be a she.
Molly: True. It isn’t signed. But…what does it mean?
Keane: Not to rain on everyone’s parade, but since the, uh, threat
says to be in this room, shouldn’t we, maybe, not be in this room?
Max: What could possibly happen in our own headquaters? Besides, maybe whoever
it is will send along another message to this monitor, and we should be here
when it comes in.
Narr: And at that moment, another message was indeed sent along, only in
the form of a blond-haired gentleman in an outlandishly starched purple suit
and stereotypically evil twirled mustache.
Mad Hater: (jolly, calm) Bon Jovi burgers and nectar nuggets to you all,
my good gentleladies and mermen.
Max: Great Mercurian Mercy!
Drallus: How did he get in here?
Molly: I don’t believe it!
Jimmy: Okay, what am I missing?
Mad Hater: Sir Farfoofley Fluffle-Muffins, my good sir. How do you don’t?
Max: The Mad Hater, Jimmy. Keane, can you load translation software onto
Keane: Give me about…72 seconds.
(The following conversation is rushed, and slightly hushed. They don’t
have a lot of time, and the villain is kind of right in the room.)
Molly: Jimmy, the Mad Hater is one of the universe’s most ominous evil
Jimmy: (giggles) Are you serious? He seems silly to me. In fact, I kind of
want to poke him.
Max, Molly, Drallus: No!
Jimmy: Okay, sheesh. I wasn’t really going to.
Drallus: Poking makes him extra angry!
Jimmy: Uh, okay? Really, a clue would be nice. Any time you’re ready.
Molly: The Mad Hater is extremely misanthropic. In fact, he’s misan-anything-ic.
He hates everyone and everything. He doesn’t care what happens to anyone.
Well, as long as it is horrible. His goal is to make everyone in the universe
so enraged with each other that we all destroy one another and the universe
Jimmy: So he’s here to make us angry?
Molly: Not just angry, Jimmy. He has a weapon that emits a beam of pure hate.
Anyone struck by it becomes filled with years’ full of extreme hatred
for everyone and everything.
Jimmy: Okay. Seems pretty straightforward. Except…one question.
Molly: Make it quick.
Jimmy: Why does he sound so nice?
Max: The Mad Hater is mad, as in angry. But he’s also mad, as in bug-nuts
crazy. He even speaks Mad. Which is why Keane is going to load translation
software, to translate from Mad to English.
Max: Okay, Mr. Mad Hater. What is it you want from The Flashpack?
Mad Hater: Why, snurfing cajorgling fark-fark efforton buck-COCK!
(FX: The “translations” of the Mad Hater to English should be
done by the same actor. However, they should be filtered as though coming
out of a machine. They should also be the “dark side” of the Mad
Hater – his true feelings come out in English, and he should be seething,
exuding utter hatred and contempt.)
Translation: Well, you complete wastes of space, I intend to destroy the
goodness of Earth by pitting you against each other, and then your public.
Jimmy: Wow, he sounds way madder in translation.
Keane: English captures the intentions behind the words, which Mad scrambles
Narr: Trapped in the confines of their control room, and with very few crime-fighting
supplies, Molly sat messaging Keane and Drallus on their videophones with
makeshift plans. Max, sensing the superheroic activity around him, began to
incite the purple-clad villain.
Max: (sarcastic) I was wondering when you were going to come for us. But
I assumed it was all part of some brilliant scheme you were concocting. You
are, after all, one of the most feared super villains of our time.
Mad Hater: Purple wig-noofins and alaca-witch beards.
Translation: Of COURSE I am, you idiot. I’m THE most feared super villain
of ANY time.
Max: Well, you say that, but I have to wonder…how come the most feared
super villain of any time hasn’t been able to convert even one whole
planet to hatred? And for that matter, how come you haven’t even attempted
to destroy us, the most respected Earthen superheroes?
Mad Hater: Ossmalogical maxery bin-bin axle grease monkey monk apathy.
Translation: (angrier than ever) You dare to question the greatness of the
Mad Hater? You are more horrible and pathetic than I thought. You will squirm
and grovel before me. Because now, Flashpack, your time has come.
Narr: As the Mad Hater pulled a small ray gun from his breast pocket, a signal
from Molly prompted Drallus to spring into motion. She leapt under the table
that held the main monitor and, with a quick shove, made its shiny metal control
panel fly across the room. The entire Flashpack ducked and watched the beam
of hate bounce off of the shiny metal of the control panel and head towards
the ceiling. Quickly calculating the beam’s angle, Keane threw her videophone
up to the ceiling, reflecting it once more towards the Mad Hater. The villain
was just as quick as they, however, and pulled a small compact mirror from
his other breast pocket, reflecting and spreading the beam onto the entire
Flashpack, who seemed to absorb it into their bodies. With another graceful
motion, Drallus flew into the Mad Hater’s side using all her strength.
The ray gun fell from his hand as he stumbled sideways, and Molly caught it
midair. She ran forward, shooting the beam over and over again directly into
the Mad Hater’s heart until he fell limp to the ground.
(Note: from this point forward all dialogue should be said as though
you are all in a huge fight because everyone was caught boning everyone
girlfriend or boyfriend. Feel free to act like everyone else is really
Jimmy: Why did that kill him?
Drallus: No one’s heart can withstand that much hate, not even his.
Molly: Nice job breaking our control panel, Drallus.
Drallus: You told me to! Besides, we have a million of those.
Max: Crap, this is really bad.
Jimmy: Yeah, I totally hate all of you. What’s the deal?
Max: His beam got to us.
Keane: Sheesh, calm down, everyone. Yeah, the beam got us, but it was reflected
three times through three different mirrors. Its effects are not nearly as
bad as they could be, and should wear off in a day or two.
Molly: Okay, thanks, but what do we do in the meantime?
Max: Avoid each other, duh. The only way not to beat each other up is to
quarantine ourselves in our rooms. I, for one, certainly don’t want
to be in the same room with any of you.
Keane: Yeah well that’s fine with me, I don’t care about any
Narr: Keane’s sentence was interrupted by her losing consciousness
and falling to the floor.
Drallus: Gods, what a drama queen. Hellooooo, Sara, you don’t need
to cry for attention so much. We get it, you’re smart and everything.
Molly: Stop being so insensitive, Drallus! She just fainted!
Jimmy: You women are all so complicated! With your calf muscles and your
ta-tas and your-
Max: Okay, enough! Jimmy, stop freaking out, Molly, put Keane to bed, Drallus… just… just
shut up, and everyone GO TO YOUR ROOM.
Max: Fine. Flashpack.
Molly, Jimmy, Drallus: Flashpack.
Narr: The Flashpack’s day was cut short by the slamming of respective
doors. Will the effects of the Mad Hater’s beam wear off? Will Man-Slotter
and Furtrace find a cure for Slotter’s manness? What caused Keane to
pass out? Tune in for the next thrilling episode of Epic Echoes: From Australia,