Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes
united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth
and defending them
from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations,
they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger.
To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe.
Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week:
Voodoo Lady and Binary Girl in "Double Talk."
BG: I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if I'm ready. It's a big commitment.
VL: Believe me, I know about commitment- I've been married fifteen years.
Trust me, if I wasn't committed... then I would have to be committed.
BG: That's just it, I don't want to rush into it. I know people who have
regretted it, and it was hell trying to go back.
VL: How old are you?
VL: Mm. You are getting up there. If not now, when?
BG: How old were you when you did it?
VL: Me? I was sixteen. But that was more an act of rebellion than it was
a reflection of any... wisdom or forethought.
BG: Sixteen! Is a sixteen year-old a 'Lady'?
VL: More than a twenty-five year old is a 'girl'! No, yeah, I was young,
but of course I didn't see it that way. I'd been going out as Voodoo Child
for two years at that point, but I already felt like I was an expert on everything.
Add to that the fact that my mother had been calling me 'child' since I can
remember... I couldn't wait to change it.
BG: I don't know, I've just been hesitant. I've been Binary Girl for, what,
seven years now? No, eight. I don't want to... you know. Ruin my juju.
VL: (laughs) Please! Don't worry about it, you'll be fine. Broadband changed
from Dial-Up and that went off without a hitch.
BG: Yeah, but you remember when Dr. Fast switched to Supersonic Man, to protect
his identity? Then when he switched back, for months people had no idea what
was going on, who was who. I remember a big headline in Cleveland, "Supersonic
Man Missing, Officials Presume Hero Dead."
VL: (laughing) Oh God Yes! That year for his Birthday I had it framed!
BG: (laughing) I thought Dr. Fast hates birthdays? "A yearly reminder
of my failure to cure the disease of age."
VL: Which made it a double good gift. Of course, I may have accidentally
left off my signature...
BG: Wait, wait, four years ago? Isn't that when Dr. Fast started hating the
VL: Hate is a strong word.
BG: Oh my god! And you just let him think Jack did it, all this time?
VL: They never really liked each other much anyway, it's no big.
BG: Easy for you to say, Dr. Fast loves you!
VL: Whatever, like I care. Fast is so full of himself, somebody needs to
shove his mistakes under his nose once in while, let him know he's human like
the rest of us. Or most of us. Who does he think he is?
BG: (other self) A large Hawaiian? I called it in.
BG: No, not you, it's the other me. (other self) No, no, not you, sorry.
VL: Oh, you're picking up the pizza?
BG: (other self) That's it. Thanks.
VL: Don't forget soda. Captain Fantasy finished the last bottle.
BG: (other self) Oh, actually, a bottle of soda, too. That's fine.
VL: You know what I hate about Fast? How he thinks he knows everything about
everything. Even if he has no idea what he's talking about, he'll just say
whatever pops into his head as if it was a complete fact.
BG: (other self) Sure, I can sign that for you.
VL: This one time, he tried to tell me that Goblin Girl came from Australia,
which... I don't have any idea where he pulled that choice nugget from! I've
only fought her, oh, about three hundred billion times. She's 100% Irish!
BG: (other self) Sure, what's her name?
VL: Her name? I don't know... O'Shaunessy, or something...
BG: No, I'm signing something. Sorry. Continue.
VL: She got her start conjuring for the IRA, for Christ's sake! And he's
trying to tell me some Australian is using magic to summon up Banshees and
fricking Leprechauns? Then he has the nerve to tell me that's not what they
were, they were manifestations of Aboriginal legends, and they weren't even
real- they were mental projections! Hello? Who's the magical one here?
BG: What a complete jackass! (other self) No! No, not you- I'm sorry the
other me is with Voodoo Lady, and- no I swear, I wasn't... Your magazine...
(sigh) Great, just great. I bet that's going to make The Password.
VL: Who cares what that rag says about you?
BG: Yeah, I know, but I wasn't even -
VL: Relax! No wonder you never changed your name, you're such a nervous Nellie
about everything! Who cares what the public thinks?
BG: I know, I know, you're right. I'm a super-hero, I'm supposed to be somewhat
VL: Exactly. Just the other day, those Password bastards tried to pass off
some cock and bull story about Peaseblossom and some 'mystery girl' running
around together. Peaseblossom, can you believe it?
BG: Wait they were... they said Peaseblossom was Gay?
VL: They didn't come out and say it, but it was there between the lines.
Yeah, I mean, they practically said it, they could have put out a headline "Gay
Fairy" and it would have been pretty much the same story.
BG: I never... really thought of her that way...
VL: That's because it's ridiculous. You know those pigs, Peaseblossom is
a sexy girl (or fairy or whatever), all the guys think she's hot, and, gasp!
Sin of sins! She's not with anyone! She must be gay! Set aside the fact that
she's practically a different species, it must be that she doesn't like men!
I mean, how egotistical can you get?
BG: You should have seen the way that the Stallion was looking at her when
he saw her new outfit! She was totally oblivious, of course, but it certainly
rumpled his saddle blanket.
VL: Uhg! Don't me started on him! If anyone could rival Dr. Fast in a contest
of pomposity it's our fearless leader.
BG: Why, what did he do now?
VL: That's right you weren't there yesterday!
BG: No, I told you, I was stuck in traffic at the time, back in LA, I couldn't
VL: Yeah, yeah. So, it's me, Dr. Fast, Captain Fantasy, Broadband, and Mr.
Fahrenheit, ok? We're fighting the Mollusk, he's got these giant Squid attacking
New York, right?
BG: Yeah, I remember.
VL: Well, we've already got three of the damned things taken out before 'Mr.
Kentucky Derby' even shows up. We've pretty well got beating the suckers down
to a science, right? But no, of course, once the 'Bucking Bronco' is on the
scene, it's his ballgame, everything we've been doing goes right out the window.
BG: Well, he's the leader of the Earth Guard.
VL: We took down three of them before he got there! Three out of four! Broadband
was leading us fine; Stallion should have kept his snout out of things. If
he hadn't pulled me off holding Mollusk's shell in place to catch some falling
building, he wouldn't have gotten away.
BG: (other self) In your dreams, pig!
BG: No, no, Voodoo, no not you! Some jerk outside the LA office.
VL: You're almost back, then?
BG: I'll be right up.
VL: Great, I'm starved.
BG: (other self) Well, fancy meeting you here! We were just talking about
VL: Who's that?
BG:(other self) No, I'm not... I'm in the GuardRoom with Voodoo Lady right
now on Guard Duty, so I can't... rain check? I'll hold you to that!
VL: Please tell me it's not the Jack with his Scrabble nonsense. He cheats,
BG: No, it's Peaseblossom, she- (other self) No, she won't- I'm sure she
won't, uh... mind if you have some pizza.
VL: Hm. I'd always thought she was a vegetarian.
BG: She was, she was just experimenting with it for a while. It didn't work
out. (other self) No, vegetarianism!
(Peaseblossom and the other Binary Girl enter the room)
PB: A moment there it seemed like it was you who had been spreading these
so vicious lies about me and with whom I gallivant!
BG: (both) Why would I do that?
VL: I hear the Password pays a pretty penny for scoops.
BG: (both) Well, you'll just have to take my word then, Pease-
(Binary Girl recombines her two selves.)
BG: I don't need the money.
PB: Perhaps if you were in financial straits, you might consider coming to
me first before you smear my name across the press. I'm sure I'd spare a farthing
for a friend.
VL: Considering the number of product endorsements you do, I'm sure you could
spare more than a farthing.
PB: I cannot see what's wrong with mentioning the products of your world
that live up to the standards of the-
(Alarm comes over the speakers)
Stallion: (over the comm) Attention Earth Guard!
We have a priority A-1 emergency in Baltimore! Mollusk is attacking the
fleet of crabs. Thousands of
them, all different shapes and sizes. People have got crabs all over the
(the girls burst out laughing)
Stallion: (over the comm) The Mayor has put through
an official request for our assistance. I need everyone available to rendezvous
at the Baltimore Town Hall ASAP. We're
on the job.
VL: Oh Jesus! Does he even listen to himself talking?
BG: We... Oh! We had better get going...
PB: And I'll be honored to accompany.
VL: Another pizza goes cold.
(Binary Girl pops back into two.)
BG: (both) Hazards of the job.
VL: Maybe I should be committed.
BG: (both) Let's go!