Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common
goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them
from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations,
they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger.
To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner
or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: The
Stallion and The Jack in "The Password Is..."
Jack: (semi-singing) Oh boy oh boy! I cannot wait! This is going to be so
amazing! What a fun fun time time to be!
(The Stallion Enters)
Jack: (semi-singing) Happy Jack! Flappy Jack! Silly little Sappy Jack! Never
give a -
Stallion: What on Earth are you doing?
Jack: GAH! Oh Jeeze, you scared the living dung out of me!
Stallion: Why are you so excited? What's going on?
Jack: Ron Reilly is going to be on the Frank Allen show tonight. Have you
not been hearing about this? They've been talking it up all over the place.
Stallion: Ron Reilly? And you're excited? The guy's a total jerk.
Jack: I know! It's going to be great. I can't stand the
Stallion: You're excited to see someone you can't stand?
Jack: Oh, yeah. I've got a subscription to the Password, I read every issue.
Have you seen some of this guy's editorials? They're ridiculous! This one
time, he wrote an entire piece about my knockout balls contributing to the
depletion of the Ozone layer, based on completely made-up eyewitness accounts
of people who saw me (are you ready for this?) loading them up with aerosol
Stallion: So, why do you read it if you know it's completely full of crap?
I wouldn't touch that rag with a ten-foot cattleprod.
Jack: You know what they say- keep your enemies close, and... then... you
know more about them... because they're close. A lot of people read this trash.
I like knowing what type of nonsense I'm up against. It's hard work keeping
myself so beloved by the public.
Stallion: Didn't they vote you most annoying superhero, three years running?
Jack: I thought you didn't read the Password?
Brainframe: The Jack, the program has begun on monitor three.
Jack: Thank you Brainframe! Bring up the sound, please!
Newscaster: ... news magazine known as 'The Password'. Mr. Reilly began the
magazine in 1994, and immediately focussed on the exploits of the Earth Guard,
and other superheroes. One of their first stories dealt with the connections
between Stanton Enterprises and whether or not Federal Funding was being used
on their DialUp and Broadband projects. Since then, the Password has continued
to make waves, including their most recent articles detailing the personal
exploits of the otherworldly heroine Peaseblossom. Ron Reilly joins us in
the studio to discuss his magazine, their stories and ethics, and to disuss
the next issue of the Password, due out tomorrow, which he promises will feature
all new revelations. Welcome.
Ron: Thank you for having me, Frank.
Newscaster: It's our pleasure, I'm sure. Let's start at the beginning. What
inspired you to start the Password?
Ron: Well, you know, Frank, I just felt there was a need for it. The Earth
Guard is, as they always remind us, made up of the world's most powerful heroes.
Yes, they are constantly discussed in the press, but... no offense, Frank,
but I felt someone needed to cast a critical eye on them, instead of blindly
praising them. ...
Stallion: That is such a crock! As if social obligation has ever played a
part in any decision this jerk ever made! He started the Password because
he knew he could make money off it!
Jack: Well, he's a business man, anything he does is to make money. But,
there must be something behind his decision to crucify us, I mean he could
have made money off of smootching our patoots.
Stallion: But it's easier for a guy like him to tear down the work of others
than it is to support it. We do what we do because society needs us to. How
does it help society for him to make us look bad to the people we're trying
Jack: Hey, don't get mad at me! I agree with you! I can't exactly protect
little children when they cry at the sight of me, can I?
Stallion: Well, you... wait, yes, you can. Why couldn't you?
Jack: I don't like the sound of crying. It hurts my ears.
Stallion: And you raised your siblings?
Jack: Oh, wait, wait, they're talking about Peaseblossom!
Ron: As you know, I can't reveal our sources, of course, but yes, we have
it on good authority that Peaseblossom and at least one other woman were in
and out of various hotels in Rome.
Frank: You say 'at least'...
Ron: Some of our sources claimed she was seen with a pair of women. Regardless,
we have confirmed that the rooms they rented were all single, king sized bed
suites. While she did check in under an assumed name, many witnesses have
placed her in Rome at the time, not the least of which is the national news,
which saw her defeating "The Holy Roman".
Frank: The implication, of course, being that Peaseblossom is-
Ron: No, we can't be responsible for what our readers infer from our articles.
We're presenting the information we uncovered, and our readers can make of
that what they will. We don't imply. We state facts.
Jack: Ha! Facts that some random guy pulled out of his butt!
Stallion: You don't think it's true?
Jack: Huh? What?
Stallion: About Peaseblossom. About her being...
Jack: Well, I don't know, I mean, I always thought she might be, but... what
do you think I'd just go up and ask her, or something? I mean, please! That
would be a stupid idea!
Stallion: I mean, I just always thought... although I guess it would explain
some things. Why she never expressed an interest in... any of her teammates.
You, or Ocean Man, or whoever.
Jack: I guess. I don't think she's my type.
Stallion: Not your type? She's the most attractive woman on the planet! What
does it take?
Jack: I like a girl with a sense of humor. One I don't need and English Lit
degree to understand.
Newscaster: But surely, the Earth Guard serves a useful function for us all.
For example, if not for them, who would take out the Super Villains that attack
us? Who would stop Lady Luna? Who would bring down the Creationist? Heck,
who would stop Gasmask?
Stallion: Thank you!
Ron: You know what? I thank them for stopping those people. They do a great
community service. But just because they help people doesn't mean they're
any better than you or I. I'm just holding them to the same standards I would
any other person, and showing that they have their faults, just like you or
Stallion: Yeah, and we know your faults all too well, Mr. Reilly. You heard
about his solicitation arrests, right?
Jack: You're kidding me!
Stallion: Three arrests. No convictions, of course. The guy has more money
than God. Lawyers got him off.
Jack: Well, or he could be innocent.
Stallion: I don't think so. I've read the file. He's guilty. And then he
makes a living airing other people's business. Look to your own, first, butthead.
Jack: Start with the man in the mirror.
Newscaster: How did this come about?
Ron: Ah, well, it was during the Mollusk's attack on Baltimore. While the
crabs were attacking, he came into our offices with this... this psychic starfish,
basically, and just stuck it right onto one of my writers. Through this starfish,
he was able to communicate with our writer telepathically. He wanted to tell
his side of the story, get his message out to the world.
Newscaster: And so you interviewed him?
Ron: Well, the writer, Todd Call, did, yes.
Newscaster: Some would say that it's inappropriate to do an interview with
a man (well, if he is a man) a man who is considered a wanted terrorist.
Ron: What would they have me do- punch him? I'm no superhero, and I assure
you, none of our staff is either. A terrorist was insisting we interview him,
he had us trapped with his creatures, were we supposed to shoot staples at
him? We interviewed him; we did what he told us.
Stallion: That's not the point, you idiot! No one would expect you to fight
him yourself! But A, you should have turned over the notes to the Earth Guard
immediately, and B, you don't put it out as a magazine to get his side of
the story out! He's a terrorist! He kills people! Getting out his story justifies
every life he's taken! Who's side are you on here?!
Jack: I wish we could have known his story... which reminds me. I had an
idea about something...
Stallion: What's that?
Jack: Well, we don't have an actual psychic on the team, but I was thinking,
if we were to have Captain Fantasy check out the villains after we catch them,
he could read into them in the World of Dreams, see? Then we can know about
things they've been doing that we haven't caught them for, or things they
might do next time when they get out. I mean, if they get out. What?
Stallion: Jack, that's a terrible idea! First of all, it violates all sorts
of civil rights that-
Jack: No, no! I'm not saying we prosecute them for things! But we can fix
anything they've done that we don't know about, and just sort of plan for
the possibilities of the other things. You know, to make us more effective
in the future. I know we couldn't legally us the information against them-
Stallion: I'm not talking about legal issues! I'm talking about their right
to privacy! We can't go invading the minds of any criminal we want to just
because we have them at a disadvantage!
Jack: Wouldn't they forfeit any rights they have to privacy when they, oh
I don't know, attempt to enslave all of mankind, for example?
Stallion: No! The same laws that protect you and I from jerks like Reilly
using a psychic to find out our secret identities stops us from doing the
same to criminals, and that's the way it should be.
Jack: Oh fine. I'm just saying, if we had a telepathic starfish, maybe we
could have understood the Mollusk enough to be able to predict his behavior-
Stallion: What? Jack- shut up! What did he just say?
Stallion: Shut up!
Ron: I'm not sure why he's been lying all this time, but according to the
Mollusk, he is the leader of the Atlantean undersea forces. That's why he's
been striking out at us on the surface world all this time. He assures me
that Ocean Man is not, and has never been, "King of the Ocean World" in
Jack: No WAY!
Newscaster: Couldn't this be an attempt by the villain to discredit Ocean
Ron: We considered that, of course, but it just doesn't make any sense. The
Mollusk has never been able to communicate with humanity before, and his first
attempt is a lie about a hero he's rarely ever even faced? As far as we can
tell, the only time Ocean Man has ever gone up against the Mollusk was three
years ago, on the Florida Coast, which, according to the Mollusk, was when
he attempted to communicate with Ocean Man through the use of a magical Atlantean
conch. The Mollusk actually believes that Ocean Man understood him, but that
Ocean Man deliberately broke the conch, and has been avoiding the Mollusk
ever since. And we can't find a single time he's gone up against him since
then. You'll notice Ocean Man was there to help fight Boulder yesterday, but
where was he when Mollusk was attacking? Notable in his absence, if you ask
Jack: Ho-Lee Moley! Pretty messed up, eh? Uh... Chuck? Are you ok?
Newscaster: The newest issue of the Password, featuring the interview with
the Mollusk goes on sale tomorrow...
Stallion: (into the comm) Attention Earth Guard, we have a priority A-1 emergence.
All personnel report to the Guard Tower ASAP. No excuses.