Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Two
Episode 7 - Plugging Leaks

By Jordan D. White

Captain Fantasy
Binary Girl
Dragon Drop

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Captain Fantasy and Binary Girl in "Plugging Leaks."

(Captain Fantasy and Binary Girl are on Guard Duty. Disastress is in a containment field in one of the makeshift cells that have been set up in the Guard Tower.)

Disastress: Hey. Hey!

CF: Why, hello there, Disastress. What can I do for you?

D: I have to go to the bathroom.

CF: Well, as you can see, each cell is complete with a toilet unit. I know it's a bit makeshift, but as soon as the Power House is fixed up, we can transfer you back there.

D: I can't just go out in the open like this.

CF: Oh! Of course. Well, if you'd like, I could enshroud the cell in a veil of twilight, which would allow-

BG: What? No! Captain, don't- don't do that. You can go there, Disastress, or you can hold it. Those are your options, and neither one is skin off my noses. Nose. Whatever.

D: This is cruel and unusual punishment! You can't do this to me! It's not my fault the Mollusk destroyed the prison!

BG: But it is you're fault you chose to become a super-villain, and it was your choice to use the attack to make another disaster blaster and try to escape, was it not? I'm sorry if you're used to a more "solitary" existence back in the prison, but here you're just going to have to make do.

D: (under breath) Bitch.

BG: (separates, then both:) Excuse me? Was there something else you wanted to say?

D: Whatever, Bi-polar Girl.

BG: (both) That's what I thought.

CF: Sorry for the trouble.

BG: (both) Captain! (she pulls his aside, and whispers intensely, both) What do you think you're doing? Disastress is a prisoner here! I don't like being bitchy any more than you do, but you have to at least try to act tough! They'll have the Power House fixed in a few days, and until then, we need any prisoners to think we're ready to lay the smack down at any time, even if it isn't how we'd normally act.

D: Uh, hey Bi-sexual Girl? You do realize you've got your other self whispering all this to me, right?

BG: (re-merge) Just take your tinkle and shut the hell up!

D: Oooh, scary. It's as though you're completely ready to lay the smack down at any time.

CF: Wow, you certainly talk tougher than we do! I'd like to see you talk back that way to the scary thin farmer.

D: (quietly) What?

CF: Maybe you can try that when you see him next time you fall asleep. And if it doesn't work, you can always keep trying every night, if you like.

D: (softly, scared) How do you know about that?

CF: You can dream about the cow field tonight or you can dream about your mom and sister. The choice is yours. But don't answer now- you can let me know your choice through your behaviour, ok? (pause) OK?

D: Yes, sir.

CF: Thank you very much.

(Pause as CF and BG go back to the monitoring station.)

BG: Wow... nicely done. What was all that farmer stuff?

CF: Oh, just something from the world of dreams. Something she's afraid of.

BG: Cool. I'll have to remember that.

CF: Er... actually, if you wouldn't mind, I'd rather you didn't.

BG: What? Why?

CF: I got that information from her dreams... it's sort of... I don't know, privileged information. It's not really fair of me to reveal it like that.

BG: Oh, come on. She's a killer, she's a super-criminal. She's a worthless scum!

D: I'm right over here, you know!

BG: (separates) Shut up! (re-merges)

D: (muttering) I get my disaster blaster, I'll show you a killer...

CF: She's a human being just like anyone else. I don't judge. I can see inside of everyone in the world of dreams. I try not to reveal anyone's secrets unless absolutely necessary.

BG: Wait- you know all of our secrets?

CF: Well, sort of. I mean, I could. I see them, but I've taken to pretty much ignoring them unless I have a specific reason to look, but... er, yes, if you mean do I know about... you know what, with you know who... yes.

BG: (split) But you said you don't look! You try not to look!

CF: Well, yes, but some things are too obvious to ignore! Plus there's been all this attention on it... I couldn't help it!

BG: (both) So you just popped your brain into my personal business? That's a little unfair!

CF: Your business? What are you- oh... oh! I hadn't realized...

BG: (both) What?

CF: You and-

BG: (both) SHHHHT!

CF: No, I didn't know about that... I just found that out just now because you brought it up!

BG: (both) Then what were you talking about?!

CF: I was talking about Broadband voting Ocean Man off the team!

BG: (both) WHAT?!? (re-merges, then comes in close, speaking softly to CF) You know why he did that? There was no way I thought he would kick him off! You've got to tell me why!

CF: I... I can't.

BG: You can...

CF: I oughtn't.

BG: Oh, come on...

CF: Nuh-uh.

BG: I won't tell anyone. (no reply) No one will have to know... (no reply) It can be our secret. (no reply) Pretty please?

CF: No!

D: Hey!

CF & BG: What?

D: (awkward) I really have to go to the bathroom.

BG: No one's stopping you!

D: I can't go when there's a guy in the room.

CF: I can turn around.

D: Oh, yeah, very chivalrous Dream Boy- can't you just step outside for a minute?

CF: I'm afraid not. Earth Guard regulations require two of us on Guard Duty at all times. Peaseblossom should be relieving me shortly, if you can wait 'til then.

D: (sighs, then, bitter:) Fine... but understand this: when I finally do get free again- and make no mistake, I will- I am going to personally crush you. I'll find your home, and level it with an Earthquake. I'll find your family and burn them in their beds. I'll find a way to destroy the world of dreams if I can, but (getting drowsy) trust me... trust me... you... will... uhn... (she falls over, asleep)

CF: Sweet dreams.

BG: Scary thin farmer dreams?

CF: Check.

BG: Looks like you've made yourself a new arch-enemy.

CF: I'm not worried. She's not going to be able to touch the world of dreams.

BG: And your home?

CF: Don't have one.

BG: You don't... where do you go when you're off duty?

CF: The world of dreams.

BG: And... where does your body go?

CF: Oh, it wanders about. I wake up in the oddest places sometimes. I remember once, I woke up in this opium den, which was awkward because, A) I don't do opium, and B) -

(Peaseblossom enters, dragging in Dragon Drop)

Drag: -told you, get your gay-ass, fairyland hands off me! I'm not going to tell you again, you stupid-

PB: Be silent, villain! Get thee in thy cell before I thrash thee more, foul ne'er-do-well!

(Drag goes in the cell and another field turns on)

BG: Hey, there Pease. Good- good to see you.

CF: Who do we have here?

PB: 'Tis Dragon Drop of the Sysops, the brute.

Drag: Let me out of this field, and I'll show you a brute! Yeah, I'll make you forget all your little girly friends! (drowsy) Drag 'n Drop you right on top... on top of my... top... uhn... (he falls to the floor)

BG: Thanks Cap. We owe you one.

CF: We? Oh, I... (scandalized) I don't think that's appropriate-

BG: Shut up! (hitting him, friendlyish)

CF: Maybe I should stay and-

BG: (splits) We'll be fine! I'm sure you have lots of... giant monkeys to feed or something. Go on. (She is ushering him out)

PB: There's no need for the-

BG: (both) No, no, he needs to go. Scoot.

CF: All right, but I have to say-

BG: (both) Bye!

PB: Farewell!

CF: But-

(the door closes as she pushes him out)

PB: Did Captain Fantasy need to retire? He seemed reluctant to leave us alone.

BG: (both) Oh, he's just being a stickler. No big deal. But... I was thinking, since both of these jerks are asleep...

PB: Perhaps you have forgotten, Barbara, but we have a duty to perform just now...

BG: (both) Not a problem... I'll just leave one of me here, and (PB and one of BG leave) we can be elsewhere. Mmmm... Mmhhh hee heee...

D: (sounds of stirring, then softly...) Ung... huh? .... what the hell?

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