Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united
in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and
from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations,
they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger.
To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe.
Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week:
The Jack and Dr. Fast in "Give or Take a Few."
(The Jack enters, bringing Gasmask, who he has apparently captured. Dr. Fast
is already there on Guard Duty. The villains are all in their cells.)
Jack: Good evening, friend! I've got a new addition to our menagerie! Let's
see who's in residence... Dragon Drop, Suspiria. You're in pretty good company,
Fast: Ah, the Jack, hello. Who do we have here?
Jack: It's our old pal Gasmask. Not so tough at all once he's lost his namesake.
(Jack tosses the mask to Fast.) Can't very well keep gassing people when he's
Gas: Does this guy ever shut up?
Fast: Not that I've ever seen. You're much cuter without this big ugly mask
Jack: Uh... cuter? You on the market for a supervillain love-connection,
Fast: Just get him into a cell.
Jack: No problemo. Anything exciting happen up here? Where's Peaseblossom?
Wasn't she supposed to be on duty with you?
Fast: A couple of our enemies here tried to cause some trouble, but we put
a stop to it. Disastress got away, so Peaseblossom went after her.
Jack: I'm surprised you didn't go after her. You're much faster.
(Jack turns on the cell.)
Jack: Uh... why am I inside the cell?
Fast: Because, you poor simple moron- (reveals he is actually...)
Suspiria: - you're in for a world of misery.
Fast: (real one, in a cell) I'm sorry, Jack- I would have warned you if I
Jack: Jesus Christ, is that your femur?!
Fast: I just need to get it set temporarily. I can correct it once we're
out of this mess.
Suspiria: I thought Captain Fantasy was the one who lived in the world of
Drag: Face facts, Fast- you're fragged.
Suspiria: And now, Jack- you get to watch helplessly while we sacrifice these
four year-olds to the Gods of chaos! HAAHAHAHAAAA!
Jack: What? What are- Oh my God. No! Oh god No! NOOOOOOO! Please, Don't!
Drag: Can we turn down the volume on that one?
Sus: No problem. (Jack's voice goes away.)
Gas: What is his deal with children?
Drag: Maybe he's a sicko.
Sus: He's not. They're just his weakness. Even when he knows he's up against
me, knows I can make him see whatever I want, it still gets him every time.
Chop off a kid's head, tear out a heart, he's a wreck.
Gas: Nice. And you don't even have to hear the brats scream.
Sus: Nope. Here's your mask back... but I wouldn't mind you keeping it off.
Gas: Gotta wear it. It's my image.
Sus: Is the rest of the costume optional?
Drag: Excuse me!
Sus: Oh, relax! There's always going to be a place in my heart for you, little
Drag: What? You bitch!
Gas: Hey- hey- I'm not looking to step on anyone's toes here. I'm just happy
to not be locked up again. I owe you both.
Drag: You're damned right you do. I'm Dragon Drop.
Sus: I, of course, am Suspiria. You can pay me back any time.
Drag: Maybe you should just take off, pal. We've got things running smooth.
Sus: Nonsense. The more the merrier. You never know when one of the bastards
might give us trouble. We could use someone so... strong.
Drag: Hello? I can lift anything, remember?
Gas: Who do you have locked up here?
Sus: Ah, I'll give you the nickle tour. You were kind enough to bring us
Jack:(fading in, then out) No! Bobby, run, you can- Noooooo!
Sus: And you've seen Dr. Fast.
Fast: (fading in, then out) too... too old... can't move... so fast, I'm
too old... too old for that...
Sus: Over here we have Peaseblossom and Binary Girl...
Pease: (fading in, then out) No! Take it back! I'm not ugly! I'm not! I can't
BG: (fading in, then out, same time as Pease, but not
connected) I'm not!
Mom, I'm not! It's not, it's not what you thought- I was just... my back was
Drag: Who are a couple of big lesbos.
Sus: Apparently. I'd believe it. The last cell just has the other Binary
Girl, nothing too interesting there. And that's our collection so far. What
do you think?
Gas: Impressive. So, how many you missing? Five more?
Drag: Four. Captain Fantasy, Voodoo Lady, Broadband, and the Stallion. Ocean
Man got kicked off the team.
Gas: He did?
Drag: Yeah, where the hell have you been? He's not really the king of Atlantis.
Gas: ... so?
Drag: So they kicked him off.
Gas: Why? That guy was tough.
Drag: Too bad he's not here, you could kiss his butt for him.
Gas: I'm just saying I had trouble with him. Gas doesn't exactly effect water.
I seem to remember him shorting your knick-knacks out a few times.
Drag: Once! One time! I made sure it would never happen again!
Gas: But you wound up in the Power House again somehow.
Drag: I'm surprised they even bother putting you in there- without your gasses,
you're just some chump.
Gas: And if I tore those implants off your body, you're just some cripple.
Drag: Say that again.
Gas: What is your problem?
Sus: Boys, boys! I'm flattered that you're fighting over little old me, but
there's no reason we can't... work together towards our... ends.
Drag: Get the hell off me! I'll work with this jackass until we get the Earth
Guard, then it's over, I go my way, you go yours. If I see you again after
Gas: It'll be the last thing you ever see.
(beeper goes off)
Gas: What the hell is-
Drag: The teleporter! One of them is coming!
Sus: Ok, quick! I'll be Dr. Fast, Gasmask, you be the Jack.
Jack: (Gas) The Jack? Do I have to? He's so annoying.
Drag: What about me?
Fast: (Sus) Shhh! You're invisible!
(Mr. Fahrenheit comes in with Lady Luna captured.)
MF: No, if it were up to me, what do I care about the moon? You could have
it. It's just a big ugly rock.
Luna: How dare you speak of my home that way!
Jack: (Gas) Mr. Fahrenheit! You forgot about him.
MF: What? Forgot who?
Fast: (Sus) Nothing, nothing- you know the Jack, always talking total nonsense.
MF: Except when he's playing scrabble. I caught this little woman trying
to break into the Space Shuttle launch site. Taxis won't drive where she's
looking to go.
Fast: (Sus, forced laughter) Ah ha ha! Amusing. Jack?
Jack: (Gas) Huh? Oh, yeah. Woo-hoo! Tee-hee-hee! I'm so stupid and silly!
Luna: Did someone drop you morons on your heads?
Jack: (Gas) Heads, shmeads, piece of breads! Woogie woogie boo-boo! Jibbetajibbetajibbeta-
Fast: (Sus) That's enough.
Jack: (Gas) Sorry.
MF: Are you guys ok?
Fast: (sus) We're completely fine. Why don't you just put her in her cell...
MF: Actually, she said she had to go to the bathroom, so I was going to let
her use the main one, since she's a girl and all.
Luna: I am no girl! I am a queen!
Jack: (gas) Ok, this is retarded. Hey, look here.
(Gasmask gasses Mister Fahrenheit.)
MF: Well, that... smells... sort of... (he falls over)
Sus: Well, that takes all the fun out of it.
Gas: I don't find it fun, pretending to be a retard. You should have had
Dragon Droppings do it.
Drag: What did you say?
Luna: What's going on here?
Suspiria: We're destroying the Earth Guard, taking them apart, piece by piece!
Care to join us?
Luna: As long as the moon is mine when we're through.
Suspiria: I... doubt you'll get any fight there. Welcome, Lady Luna, to the
Gas: (pause) ... That's what we're called?