Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Two
Episode 11 - Laugh It Off

By Jordan D. White

Dragon Drop
Lady Luna
Voodoo Lady
The Jack
Dr. Fast
Binary Girl
Mr. Fahrenheit

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Ocean Man & Broadband in "Laugh It Off."

(The Vengeance Squad is in the Guard Tower. A news report is playing aloud, indicating the emergency. The Squad begins talking over it after a moment.)

News: ... as the Mollusk continues his assault on Washington, DC. The armed forces have responded to the attack, but so far appear to be no match for what seems to be superior Atlantean artillery. The Earth Guard has still not appeared, but former Guard member Ocean Man does appear to be doing his best to keep the Atlanteans back from the capitol building.

Gas: Can we at least turn it down a little?

Drag: I'm working on it! Keep your mask on!

Sus: He will, don't worry.

Gas: Look, I don't like taking it off!

Sus: I didn't say a word.

Drag: Got it! (the news fades out) Happy now? You ask me, Mollusk has the right idea. How come we never lead a charge on Washington?

Gas: I thought the Sysops did attack the Pentagon once? Didn't Broadband-

Drag: All right, shut up. But he's got an army-like.

Sus: Exactly- none of us is the ruler of a sovereign nation.

Luna: Excuse me! My army of Moon Children-

Sus: I'm sorry, let me rephrase.

Luna: Thank you.

Sus: I meant none of us is ruler of a nation with a collective IQ in the double digits. I mean, at the very least, Atlanteans appear to be able to use simple firing weapons.

Luna: The Moon Children have very strong jaws!

Drag: Yeah, that's a good substitute for the use of tools.

Luna: They don't need tools. They have me.

Sus: Anyone else want to take this joke, or should I...?

Luna: You're laughing at me! You're having fun at my expense! A queen!

Gas: Oh, relax, Luna, just let it go. I mean, Dragon Drop never takes it personally when I imply that his implants make him look like an overblown can opener.

Drag: (pissed) Just like Assmask never gets angry when I bring up the time the Stallion beat him with a single horseshoe to the head.

Sus: Ok, now that's pathetic.

Gas: And Acid Drop just laughs it off when I tell him about the time his mother and I-

Luna: That's it! This whole thing is foolish! Count me out!

Drag: What? Oh come on-

Luna: No, forget it! I'm leaving this minute! I'll teleport back to my moon kingdom and moving us back into Marsian orbit immediately!

Gas: What? No, we talked about this! You can't do that!

Luna: And why not? The way I see it, if the Moon wants to orbit Mars, that's the Moon's business as a sovereign nation.

Gas: Sovereignty has nothing to do with it! We wouldn't let France leave the planet either! It's a matter of the ecological damage it would do!

Luna: And why should I care about the damage to your planet?

Drag: We'd all die!

Luna: Why should I care for your Earthen life? You never care for my Moon Children!

Gas: They're made out of a virus!

Luna: They've evolved!

Sus: Barely!

Luna: That's it! You can take your Vengeance and shove it up your ass! Get out of my way, I'm leaving!

Drag: Over my dead-

Sus: No! Let her go. We don't need her.

Gas: But, Suspiria-

Sus: It's her choice. She is a Queen, after all, she can make her own decisions.

Luna: Thank you. I leave you behind now to return to my loyal and loving subjects, but remember this: the moon is mine and if any one of you ever even sets foot on it, I'll send my Moon Children to eat the meat off your bones! Now, if you'll excuse me-

(she hits a button, turning on the cell she's stepped into.)

Luna: What? How did I get in this... Suspiria! Suspiria, you let me out of this cell this instant, you Bi- (her voice fades out.)

Gas: Harsh... but fair. We might have been able to reason with her...

Sus: I don't have the patience. "If you're not with us", and all.

Drag: What the... let me get the sound back up.

Gas: What? Why?

News: (the news fades back in)...can see that Broadband does appear to be on the scene, now with... yes, he appears to have sent a giant, 10 to 15 foot tall Broadband unit. He's taking on a number of the troops with this large robot, but appears to still be overwhelmed by the sheer number of opponents. He appears to be focussing on the giant squid armada along the shoreline... (he fades it back out)

Sus: Well, that's something you don't see every day...

Gas: Unless you have a DVD player.

Drag: Jesus, it's a work of art...

Sus: What? What on Earth are you doing?

Drag: I'm just... looking at the Broadband unit.

Sus: I noticed. You look like you're about to kiss that monitor!

Gas: So that's how it is with you, is it?

Drag: Shut the hell up! I'm impressed by the hardware, that's all. It's new.

Sus: How can you tell?

Drag: The Sysops fight him all the time, but I've never seen that model before.

Gas: Maybe he just didn't think he'd need it, fighting pansies like you.

Drag: I'll have you know he had to invent all new models just to fight us, a few times! The man's a genius, I can't help it if he stays ahead of the tech curve!

Gas: Looks like someone has a cyber-crush to me... "Oh, Broadband, you're so bleeding edge! Hit me, you fool!"

Drag: Oh, that is it! You're dead!

(Dragon Drop grabs Gasmask and begins flinging him around the tower.)

Gas: Ha! You think that's- uhg! You think- uhn! You think you can-unhg!

Sus: Dragon Drop, stop this.

Drag: Who's a pansy now, huh? You want to take it back now? Do ya?

Gas: Not if- uhf! Not if you-uhg! Not- uhn!

Sus: (royally pissed) Dragon Drop! (the flinging about stops) Put him down. NOW.

(Drag puts Gasmask down. There is a faint hissing sound.)

Gas: What's- ah, you made me spring a leak!

Sus: Silence! (pause, just hissing) I want you boys to make up. (pause) Don't make me make you. You know I can do it.

Drag: Fine! Truce?

Gas: Truce.

Sus: Shake on it? (pause) Pretty please?

Drag: Fine. Put it there.

Gas: All right, my friend. We can work to-

(He gasses Dragon Drop. Suspiria bursts out laughing hysterically.)

Gas: Wha... did... did you make me do that?

Sus: (still laughing) Sure did! He was getting on my nerves. (laughs again)

Gas: What is so funny?

Sus: (more laughing) He just... he's so stupid! I can't believe he fell for that!

Gas: It's really not that funny. He wasn't a very bright- oh... wait a... it's the gas. Nitrous Oxide. That's what I'm leaking.

Sus: (sobering) You're... you're leaking laughing gas? (bursts out laughing again)

Gas: (trying to use the computer) There's got to be some way to vent the area or something... and you just knocked out our computer expert...

Sus: (still laughing) Relax! I feel great! Take off your mask and indulge!

Gas: I'm not taking off my mask!

Sus: Oh come on! There's nothing to worry about! What's the worst thing that could possibly-

(The door opens, and the Stallion and Voodoo Lady are there.)

Stallion: Suspiria!

Voodoo: Gasmask!

(Sus bursts out laughing hysterically)

Stallion: Let's see you laugh at this, mind witch!

(He throws a horseshoe, which clocks her on the head, stopping her laughing and knocking her out)

Sus: Uhn!

Gas: Hey! Stay right where you are, heroes, or I'll... I'll...

Voodoo: (her voice gets scary and Voodoo-y) You'll do what, little man? You think your little gusts of smelly wind can stand up to Sim'bi d'l'eau, the great water snake loa?


Gas: Ok, yeah. I surrender.

Stallion: Voodoo Lady, get him in a cell, I'll free the others.

Voodoo: (scoffs) Yes sir, boss. Ew... Suspiria's all fat and ugly again. I hate it when she gets knocked out.

Gas: I had sex with that?

Jack: Thank God you came!

Stallion: There's an emergency, and there was no reply from the Guard Tower. We had to see what the trouble was.

Fast: But they set an alarm on the teleporter.

Stallion: We flew up on the Horse.

Fast: Of course!

Voodoo: See that? Stumped a genius, we did.

Binary: (both) Stallion- it's not our fault, they- Disastress, she took us by surprise, and-

Pease: She'd smuggled a Disaster Blaster on the station somehow in the confusion!

Binary: (recombines) We had no way of knowing-

Stallion: That's not important now! We've got (chuckle) we've got bigger fish to fry. Heh....

Voodoo: Yeah, while you're sitting here shirking blame, the Mollusk is trying to take over the country.

(The Jack bursts out laughing.)

MF: What's so funny?

Jack: (laughing) Bigger... bigger fish? The Mollusk?

(they all giggle a little)

Stallion: (taking control of himself) Come on, gang, it's serious.

MF: Jesus, look at the monitor!

Voodoo: What the hell is that?

Fast: Brainframe, heh heh.... Brainframe, sound up, monitor three.

News: ... and Ocean Man appears to be standing on top of the giant pillar of water, drawing in all moisture in the greater DC area! The reflecting pools in the mall, a good portion of the Chesapeake, and, more importantly, all the water sustaining the Atlantean water-breathing apparatuses has been drawn up into the pillar. The Atlantean fleet, those left conscious, appear to be retreating towards the ocean as fast as they can.

Jack: And you thought Ocean Man would be dried up without us!

(the group starts laughing)

Voodoo: (laughing) Shut the hell up, you moron! We need to see this.

News: ... and the armed forced do appear to be driving back the remaining Atlanteans with Broadband's help, while rounding up and disarming those that have- oh, my God! The pillar, the pillar of water that Ocean Man had drawn together has just suddenly... fallen, dissipated, and is washing the retreating troops back into the sea, but... no, there is no sign of Ocean Man anywhere. He appears to be... the man who was thrown from the Earth Guard in disgrace has now saved the nation's capitol almost single-handedly, and now appears to be missing, if not dead.

(The Guard starts laughing.)

Binary: (laughing) Why- oh god! Why are we laughing? It's not funny!

Voodoo: (laughing) It's not funny at all! It's terrible! We kicked the guy off the team!

(more laughter)

Jack: (laughing) This is ridiculous!

Gas: Uh... it's uh... it's laughing gas. I sprung a leak.

MF: (laughing) Oh, I am SO going to kick your ass!

(They all laugh heartily.)

Go to Series 3, Episode 1.