Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Three
Episode 1 - Mourning People

By Jordan D. White

Voodoo Lady
Mr. Fahrenheit

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Voodoo Lady and Mister Fahrenheit in "Mourning People."

(Mr. Fahrenheit is alone in the Guard Tower, humming to himself, shuffling a deck of cards. After a sec, Voodoo Lady enters.)

MF: Oh, hey, Voodoo Lady, great, glad you're finally here. Grab a seat.

VL: I stopped off at home for a change of clothes.

MF: Not a problem. How was it?

VL: How... ? It was solemn. The Stallion gave a speech, then the President said a few words-

MF: That's good, at least you got somebody respectable in there. Play 500?

VL: Listen, everyone wanted me to thank you.

MF: Huh? For what?

VL: You know, for taking a shift on your own up here while we all attended Ocean Man's funeral.

MF: Oh, that. Well, yeah, you're welcome. No big deal.

VL: If you want to take a minute to go down and... pay your respects, I could-

MF: No, no, don't worry about it.

VL: It's no trouble, really-

MF: Seriously, I never really liked the guy anyway. Forget it. (pause) So, are we playing?

VL: What?!

MF: I didn't care for him. I don't want to go to his funeral.

VL: It doesn't matter if you liked him or not, how about a little respect? The guy just saved the country, and by extension, you. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?

MF: Yeah, sure, and I'll make sure to mention it next time I see him. The guy lied to my face for years, so I'm not his biggest fan, ok? I'm not going to pretend I loved him just because he did one good thing before he kicked.

VL: It's called redemption, jackass! You might want to look it up.

MF: I'll let you know when I get that far into the dictionary. So far, I'm only up to 'hypocrite'.

VL: Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?

MF: You voted him off the team, too, remember?

VL: And if he had lived, I would have voted him back on again.

MF: Jesus, wishy-washy! You stop one little villain-

VL: Little? It was an army!

MF: I could have stopped them.

VL: Really? That would have been something, what with you being locked inside a cell, living out your worst fears.

MF: I meant if I was in his place! And I wouldn't have died doing it.

VL: How's that, exactly? How would you have single handedly stopped the invading Atlantean army and come out ok?

MF: I would have just heated up... their... things- you know I don't have to justify myself to you.

VL: Yeah, ok.


MF: Are we going to play cards or not?

VL: No, I'm not going to play your stupid cards!

MF: Solitaire it is.

(MF deals out the cards and begins playing in silence for a moment.)

VL: What is your obsession with playing games, anyway?

MF: It's boring up here. Something's got to pass the time, and I doubt we're going to be getting into any enthralling conversations anytime soon.

VL: Pft. You should be on duty with the Jack more.

MF: Not a chance! That kid's a frickin' Scrabble genius.

(VL laughs.)

MF: What?

VL: You know he cheats, right?


VL: He's got a little pouch of letters on that belt of his!

MF: He cheated?

(VL laughs at him again.)

MF: Hang on, that doesn't make any sense! How could he know which letters he was pulling out? I mean, he was just whipping those words out, bam, you know?

VL: All I know is, he's got a sack this big full of nothing but letters.

MF: That piece of crap!

VL: Oh man, maybe I shouldn't have said anything- now you won't want to go to his funeral, either.

MF: Oh, Jesus Christ! I never should have married you!


VL: What?!?

MF: Oh, that's right, you're not my wife. So why are you nagging me like her?

VL: Nice! I'm sure Ellen would love to hear that.

MF: Whatever, I could tell your husband, what's his name, Shaun, way worse things about you.

VL: Like what?

MF: Like about how you and I secretly meet in the Horse once a week, peel off our costumes, and make the-

VL: That never happened!

MF: Yeah, but he'd totally believe me. Plus, he's a wuss. What's he going to do, slap me?

VL: And you don't think Ellen would divorce you if you admitted to an affair with me?


MF: Well, whatever. You're better looking than she is.

VL: But we're NOT having an affair!

MF: Yeah... shut up.

VL: Look, the man died. I mean, I didn't exactly love him either, but when a guy gives his life for the greater good... (a little humerous) you overlook the fact that he had a twitchy little weasel voice.

(MF half-laughs, through his nose)

MF: And how he would just blab on and on about the stupidest things: (imitating) "General Mantrace has begun a new initiative in his new military recruitment drive, offering three clamshells to the family of each boy who enlists-"

VL: "We've been very busy deal with the, uh, the... Dolphanian fighters, yes, and we're not really sure if there is enough kelp to feed both us and them, so-"

MF: Of course the fact that it was all complete bull explains a lot.

VL: Speaking of complete bull, I always wondered why he wore a mask, if he was from Atlantis. I mean, who's going to recognize him?

MF: Besides, he's the frickin' King of Atlantis. Even if one of us surface worlders did somehow get to Atlantis, we wouldn't have to worry about recognizing the bridge of his nose- we'd know him from the palace.

VL: Not to mention, why would an underwater-guy from Atlantis wear a full body, skin tight outfit when he went in the water?

MF: Oh, and did you ever notice- his costume has fins on it.

VL: So?

MF: So? So, he can turn into water. What are the fins for? He doesn't have to swim!

VL: Man, that guy was so full of crap! You think it was even him in that bucket in the hospital that time?

MF: That time with Lady Luna? Who knows. It was Superbowl weekend. Maybe he just wanted the time off to see the game. I woulda.

VL: Before or after you slipped off with your mermaids?

MF: Hey, shut up about that. They still could be real.

VL: And I'm sure the Mollusk will be only too happy to give you their numbers.

MF: Mermaids don't have phones, stupid.

VL: That's not the only thing they don't have.

MF: What are you talking about?

VL: Their bottom half is the fish half.

MF: So?

VL: So... Fish lay eggs. They don't... you know.

MF: What?

(alarm goes off)

Jack: Hey, anybody up there?

VL: We're here, Jack. What's up?

Jack: Disastress is back here in SF! She's cracked the Golden Gate, and the thing is full of cars!

MF: Do you cheat at Scrabble?

Jack: What?

MF: I said do you cheat at Scrabble?

Jack: What, no, I- This isn't really the time-

MF: Did you cheat when you played with me?

Jack: People are going to die here if we don't help them!

VL: We're on it- Attention Guard, Disastress popped up in good old San Francisco. Lets report to the Golden Gate Bridge and stomp the bitch. Oh, and save people. Voodoo Lady out. (then, to MF) What's the big idea, Jackass?

MF: You said he cheated!

VL: Yeah, well, there's a time and a place for everything, dip.

MF: (mocking) "Mleh mleh mleh mleh." Shut up.

(they leave)

Go to Episode 2