Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Three
Episode 6 - Brutal Beating

By Jordan D. White

Binary Girl
Mr. Fahrenheit

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Binary Girl and Mister Fahrenheit in "Brutal Beating."

(Binary Girl is alone in the room, and Attractor is silently sitting in his cell. It is only one of her.)

BG: Thank you for calling Information Management Systems, how may I help you? … I’m afraid he’s not in right now, can I put you through to his voice mail? Thank you very much.

(Mister Fahrenheit enters the room.)

MF: Sorry about that. Had to go to the bathroom.

BG: Hm. (acknowledging him)

MF: I don’t know what it is recently, but a lot of foods aren’t really sitting well with me. Just shoot right out. At first I thought I might have become lactose intolerant, but haven’t had much dairy today. But there it is. If I eat a nice, full meal, about twenty minutes later, I have some, you know… important business to conduct. And you’re lucky the walls here are so soundproof…

Attractor: Oh, come on! That’s disgusting!

MF: Ehhhh- shaddup, Attractor. You don’t get a say.

A: This is cruel and unusual punishment!

MF: You’re a cruel and unusual… jerk. Now shut it. You’re just here until they’ve got your cell all warmed up at the Powerhouse.

A: >scoff<

MF: Anyway, Binary Girl, as I was saying… Yeah, I’ll just be sitting here, and I get these… like, stabbing pains in my gut, and I can hear it gurgling in there.

A: Jesus!

MF: I guess I should take some medicine or something… it’s just last time I did that, I didn’t go for like two days, and when I did-

BG: Can you excuse me for a minute, Lisa? I’ll be back. I just have to… thanks.

MF: Oh, you have to-

BG: Shhhht.

MF: Uh…


BG: (quietly) Ok, listen, you dumbass- apparently you don’t remember that I can only speak aloud with both bodies at once. Since this body got her arm broken by our butthead friend over there, I’ve had to sent the other me to work and leave this one here. Since they’ve cut our coverage on injury pay, I’ve got no choice on that. But I can’t exactly sit around and chat with you about your stool consistency while doing my secretarial work, now can I? Now if you’d kindly shut it, so I can back to work, that we’ll be- Lonnie! Hi. … No, I was just talking to myself, nothing important. … Oh, you know me. … Yeah, thank God it’s almost lunch.

MF: Fine. I don’t care. I don’t need to talk to you. >scoffs< (pause) So… Attractor. What’s new with you?

A: "What’s…"? Are you a complete moron?

MF: I’m just trying to make conversation.

A: I don’t want to make conversation with you! Yesterday, you lit my cape on fire!

MF: It’s my job, it’s nothing personal. What do you want from me? You stop breaking the law, I’ll stop kicking your ass.

A: I don’t think that’s a promise I could stick to, friend. So, how about we just sit here in silence, you smug in your superiority, and me picturing the ways I would tear you to pieces if this power dampener was off.

MF: Jerk. (pause) So, anyway, I’ve got this album coming out next month.

A: For Christ’s sake, do you never shut up?

MF: And I think it’s really cool doing an album and all, but like… I’ve got no creative freedom on the project, you know?

A: I could use the metal panels in the walls to slice you into perfect tenths all at once.

MF: Like they’ve written all these songs for me. And they’re goo songs, I guess. Not bad. But when I brought them my songs, one’s I had worked on-

A: Oh god.

MF: Steve said he didn’t think they were commercial enough. And we didn’t record them. None of them.

A: Seriously? Something coming from inside your mind was deemed not for public consumption? I cannot believe it.

MF: Seriously. Check this out.

A: Please, no.

MF: This one, "Burning Cold", ok? It starts out with this guitar riff, really blazing, like (he sings a riff) then I come in with vocals- (sings) "You’re running hot and cold, and I’m running from the start. You’re stunning, not too old, and I’m gunning for your heart! Oh! You melt my frozen soul and you cool my burning head- you’re running hot and cold, and I’m taking you to bed!"

A: Seriously, that is pitiful.

MF: Shut your gob! I’d like to see you do better.

BG: Thank you for calling Information Management Systems, how may I help you?

MF: What the hell are you-

BG: Hang on just a minute, and I’ll put you through.

A: She’s at work. It’s the other her. Even I get it by now.

BG: Roger? It’s John Berger on line three. … Thanks.


MF: So?

A: … So what?

MF: Let’s hear you do better.

A: What… right now?

MF: Yeah. You think you’re better. I’d like to hear it.

BG: Yes, please.

MF: See? Her too.

BG: I’d like a tuna salad sandwich and ketchup chips.

MF: Oh, that sounds good. I’d like one too.

BG: (annoyance creeping in) Well, just tell Howard and I’m sure he’ll get it.

MF: Who’s Howard? Is that… Is that Captain Fantasy’s name?

A: Seriously, I am not kidding. Are you mentally challenged?

BG: (very quietly) Jackass.

MF: Shut up. Whatever. If you can’t write a better song, I think you should just keep your mouth shut.

A: For your information, I don’t listen to rock crap.

MF: What do you like… country?

A: God no. Mostly rap and hip-hop.

MF: So do me a rap. Do that, whatd’ya call it. ‘School’ me.

A: If I had a belt, I could hang myself.

MF: That’s why we take them away. Here- I’ll lay down a beat. (he starts to be beatbox)

A: This isn’t happening.

MF: Sure is. (he keeps beatboxing)

A: I refuse.

MF: I can keep this up all day. (keeps beatboxing)

BG: Please don’t. Oh, sorry, Lisa, just talking to myself.

A: I’m not freestyling with the Earth Guard.

MF: All right, then I’ll do it. (rapping badly) Yo yo, I’m Mista Fahrenheit and don’t you know, I’m totally…. White.

A: Please… stop.

MF: Take it! (beatboxing again)

A: (sigh) I can’t believe I’m doing this. (breath, then rapping)
They call me- Mista Fahrenheit, or Mista F,
you better misdirect all your disrespect
or I’ll flame you and tame you and beat the heat
while you meet and greet with my fists and feet. Repeat.
You’ll never see me on the losing team, or see me losing steam.
I’m gonna burn up all the girls and gonna make the floosies scream,
and then I’ll please ‘em and freeze ‘em in a lucid dream.
I’m out of sight, and when I take you out at night
I’ll be all wining you and dining you and treating you right
Until we all alone at home and we be hitting it tight
I’m gonna leave you so sore, think you were in a fight,
But I’m just burning you so hot, I’m Mister Fahrenheit. Yeah.

MF: Yeah! Woo, that was so awesome! Seriously, that rocked!

A: Yeah, yeah, thanks. Turn off this field, I’ll sign your boobs.

MF: I could totally use that in "Burning Cold". Like a little rap/rock breakdown.

A: Whatever.

MF: Seriously, how much to buy that off you?

A: Shove it. Write your own rhymes.

BG: Thank you for calling Information Management Systems, may I help you?

MF: All right, that is getting annoying.

A: Oh yeah? And what color is the kettle?

MF: What?

BG: I’m afraid he’s not in right now, can I put you through to his voice mail?

MF: What are you talking about?

BG: He usually checks he messages as soon as he gets in, yes.

MF: Come on, let’s do another one. (starts beatboxing)

A: No, no way.

BG: No problem, have a nice day.

A: Forget it.

MF: I’m just going to keep doing this until you-



MF: Uh… what’s your problem?

BG: You’re driving me crazy! Just shut the hell up! Stop talking! No more stupid rapping!

MF: I thought you couldn’t-

BG: I’ve got my hand over my other mouth. I probably look like a psycho, but I had to tell you to SHUT UP!


BG: Thank you.


MF: Wait… does that mean you heard the name of the place she works at?

A: Damn right.

MF: Uh oh.


Stallion: Mister Fahrenheit.

MF: Uh, yeah, hey.

Stallion: The Powerhouse is ready for Attractor. Prepare him for transfer.

MF: Yeah, sure, no problem.

Stallion: Also, put out a low priority signal to the Guard. I want to call a meeting for tonight. Nine o’clock.

MF: Ok, sure. What about?

Stallion: I think we need to renegotiate a few things with Mister Grant.

MF: You should let me do the talking. With all the coverage I’ve been getting recently, I’ve got a-

Stallion: Stallion out.

MF: … Jerk.

Go to Episode 7