Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Four
Episode 2 - Being Nice

By Jordan D. White

Voodoo Lady
Dr. Fast

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Broadband and Voodoo Lady in "Being Nice."

(Voodoo Lady and Broadband are in the tower together, cracking up laughing.)

VL: So I said, I said, "You think that’s scary, Suspiria… You should see the Stallion in the locker room!" (they both laugh their butts off)

BB: You couldn’t have!

VL: I did so! You should have seen the look on her face! She didn’t know whether to punch me or kiss me! Before she knew what was happening-

BB: You gave her the old "Skizz-ma-jink"! (obviously some sort of personal joke, because they both explode with peels of laughter)

VL: Oh God! Remember that?

BB: I never laughed so hard in my life! Oh Lord… (catching his breath) That is too much! We have good times, Voodoo Lady. But, no, seriously Claire. How have you been? How’s Shaun?

VL: Sean? Oh, he’s fine. The practice is going well. Not as well as he’d like, of course, but he’s been doing well for himself.

BB: That’s good. I remember back in Medical School, he always-

(Dr. Fast runs in)

DF: Oh, ah. Good evening, Claire.

VL: Hey there, Doctor.

DF: Broadband.

BB: Dr. Fast! How are you, old friend?

DF: I need your help with an experiment. Hold this.

BB: Sure, but- (DF runs out.) … What was that about?

VL: Who knows what that egomaniac is ever up to.

BB: Egomaniac? That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

VL: Ha! You know that anti-grav belt he’s been working on for the past, oh… forever? Well, I heard the only reason he never got it working was because he needed it to be broken because of some stupid time-game he was playing with another version of himself from the past.

BB: Oh, now, I’m sure that’s not true. He wouldn’t do that to you.

VL: He better hope it’s not true. Because if I find out he strapped that damned thing to me knowing full well I’d end up in orbit, he’s going to have some bad juju heading his way. And I’m going to enjoy every second of it, the insufferable bastard.

BB: Come on, Claire, be nice!

VL: This is me being nice. You should hear me when I really cut loose.

BB: Honestly. Is there no one on this team you like?

VL: I don’t have to like them. They’re not my friends; they’re my colleagues.

BB: But surely, you have a kind word for your colleagues.

VL: Oh, of course I do. We’ve got a real team full of winners here, absolutely. We’ve got the Stallion, leading the team by throwing little hissy-fits until we do everything his way; Dr. Fast, who never ceases to impress with his ability to be right about everything all the time; Captain Oblivious, I mean Fantasy, who never has any idea what is going on; Mr. Fahrenheit who knows exactly what’s going on, since it always revolves around how great he is; and our two media darling lovebirds, who can’t stop making kissy faces since they got outed by a supervillain. Seriously, a great team.

BB: And how about me?

VL: What about you?

BB: What’s the witty little barb you use to skewer me?

VL: You? I don’t… I wouldn’t-

DF: (runs back in) Hello again, Claire. Guard Duty going well?

VL: Huh? Yeah, sure.

DF: Not working yet, Bob. Let me see that.

BB: Sure.

DF: Here. Try again.

BB: But what is- (DF runs away.)

VL: See? Jerk. No consideration. I’d give him a "Skizz-ma-jink", given half a chance.

BB: Hm.

VL: Oh come on! The guy’s a pompous jackass! He doesn’t even stick around for a second to tell you what you’re holding? The thing could be a pocket H-Bomb for all you know.

BB: I just… never really considered before… but if you’re saying all these things about the Guard to me… what do you say about me to them?

VL: You’re paranoid.

BB: Is that what you tell them? I’m not paranoid, I’m just cautious! What, because all damaged Broadband units self-destruct? I happen to be the victim of numerous attempts of corporate sabotage, I need to protect my proprietary designs! That’s not paranoia, that’s well advised preparedness! Where do you get off telling the others I’m paranoid, anyway? Although, I suppose a…a… busybody like you always has to have something to say about everyone, don’t they? Hmph.

VL: (pause) OK. ‘Busybody,’ there’s a real zinger. Of course, I meant you were being paranoid. Just now. As in, I don’t talk about you.

BB: (pause) Hmph. Well… how am I supposed to believe that?

VL: Because you’re not a complete ass. You’re a successful businessman who also devoted himself to protecting people. You’re not a control freak who feels the need to tell everyone what to do all the time. You’re not an egomaniac who thinks everything is about him. You’re not a media whore who feels the need to flaunt her deviant lifestyle for attention. And you’re not a Doctor who thinks he knows everything better than anyone else.

BB: Actually, Claire… I’m every single one of those things, to some extent or other. Can you really say you aren’t?

VL: Look, it’s simple, ok? You’re an ok guy. Dr. Fast is an ass who has never been anything but condescending to everyone, showing off how he knows so much more than us, all right? (it is during this last sentence that DF runs in.)

DF: Oh… I’m… sorry to have offended you, Claire.

VL: What? Doctor… Irving…

DF: I won’t be a moment. One more adjustment. There. (leaves)

(awkward silence.)

VL: Well. That was classy on my part.

BB: Hm.

VL: I guess I left one out.

BB: What do you mean?

VL: One control freak, one self-centered jerk, one know-it-all doctor, one brainless moron, two shameless lesbos, one paranoid billionare, and one back-stabbing, mud-slinging, first-class bitch.

BB: I would never call you that, Claire.

VL: But you didn’t say I was wrong.

BB: Hang on… Brainframe, Monitor three, sound up!

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

BB: I know, Brainframe, I know.

VL: What is it?

BB: It’s Jack.

Newsman: … former member of the Earth Guard, defeated Tangent yet again last night. The villain had talked California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger onto the ledge of a building, distracting him with a piece of particularly smelly cheese. The Jack managed to catch the Governor before he stepped to his death, then proceeded to pummel the unprepared Tangent unconscious. Though the Jack ran off before the news crews got to the scene, Governor Schwartzenegger praised the hero…

VL: You know the only reason he can beat Tangent, don’t you?

BB: Don’t start on the Jack, too, now! That boy has it hard enough.

VL: What? Oh come on, you at least have to give me that the Jack is annoying!

BB: But if it wasn’t for me, the boy would still be on the Guard.

VL: What?!? He broke the strike! He knew the rules!

BB: But if I hadn’t pushed so hard for the strike-

VL: You know what? You’re right! You Do think everything is about you.

BB: Jack didn’t want to strike. We forced it on him. He did what he thought was right- hell, he did what I think was right, and we kick him off the team for it? It stinks.

VL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you whip the robots back, too, or just your own?

BB: Oh, thank you very much. For your information, I’m not just wringing my hands over this one. This time, there’s something I can do about it. I’m making good.

VL: What do you mean?

BB: Wait, what’s this?

Newsman: … press release from the Earth Guard regarding what they call a "recruitment drive." "Are you hero enough to join the Earth Guard? To stand side-by-side with the likes of the Amazing Mr. Fahrenheit or the Beautiful Peaseblossom? Can you do amazing things normal people can only dream about? Now is your chance to show your stuff, if you’ve got the guts. Contact your city’s Earth Guard office with your name, contact information, references, and amazing abilities… unless you’re too scared. Well, are you, punk?" Heh… and that is the official word from Earth Guard press secretary Mr. Fahrenheit.

BB: Sound off, Brainframe.

VL: What was Chuck thinking?

BB: I have no idea. To be totally honest, I’ve always- (BB is teleported out of the tower)

VL: Bob? Broadband? What… where did you go?

BB: (over comm) Broadband to Voodoo Lady. Ah… you there?

VL: What the hell just happened?

BB: I’m, ah… I’m here with Dr. Fast. It seems that device was a remote teleportation lock. I’ll, ah… be back as soon as I can.

DF: Sorry for the inconvenience.

(alarm goes off, sound comes up)

VL: Whoop, hang on a minute.

Newsman: …live, where Mudman and the Ribs have shown up, destroying as much of the fossil record as they can. No sign of the Creationist at this time, but we can only presume Mudman is acting on his behalf, as he has so many times before…

VL: You hear that?

BB: I sure do. I’ll send out the signal. Bring the horse!

VL: Will do… except, I’m still not cleared to fly the-

DF: (runs in) I know how to fly it.

VL: Oh. Um. Thanks.

DF: It’s not a problem. Let’s go. (gone)

Go to Episode 3