Birthday Boy / Tom
Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common
goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them
from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations,
they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger.
To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner
or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Stallion
and Binary Girl in "Happy Birthday."
(Binary Girl and Stallion are preparing for the first interview.)
BG: (both) So, how is this going to work?
S: Basically, I looked over the applicants and picked out the most likely
candidates. I weeded out the obvious riff raff, so hopefully we won’t
end up with another "Kick Man".
BG: (both) No, I mean today. What are we doing today?
S: One candidate will join us on Guard Duty. We interview him-
BG: (both) Or her.
S: Actually, no- It’s a him. We interview him, and basically get a
general sense of who he is. And if we get a call while they’re here… more’s
the better. We can get an idea of how they do their job, and whether they’re
right for the Guard.
BG: (both) So, who do we have today?
S: Here’s the file. I’m excited to meet him, he seems very promising.
A real powerhouse. He should be here any minute.
BG: (pause, reading, then both) Is this… is this for real?
(Birthday Boy enters)
Bboy: Greetings, Earth Guard! I am Birthday Boy, the cosmic personification
of birthdays, and the embodiment of the daily essence. I thank you for accepting
my application to your illustrious Guard, and look forward to helping to champion
the cause of good will towards men and the righting of wrongs! Such is the
eternal duty of I… (explosion of energy) Birthday Boy!
BG: (both) OK. (comes together) Hi, there.
Bboy: (almost dismissive…) Miss. Greetings, Stallion! It is truly an
honor to meet the amazing leader of the Earth Guard. I am Birthday Boy!
S: Yes, I heard that. It’s good to finally meet you, I’ve heard
a lot about your exploits. Welcome to the Guard Tower. This is Binary Girl.
Bboy: Yes. It’s good to be here! I’ve often seen the exploits
of your Guard on the Earth television programs! I’ve often thought it
would befit me to join forces with you, since our ends do tend to be so similar:
working for the good of all men!
BG: Of all people.
Bboy: Yes, sometimes! When I heard that you were looking to replace your
lost comrades, I knew this was my moment to shine- to show the Guard just
what it would get with a galactic avatar on your side!
S: Well… thank you. I look forward to finding out exactly what that
would be like. So… We’d like to ask you a few questions, if you
Bboy: But of course! Whatever you’d like to know, I, Birthday Boy,
can tell you, be it the exact diameter of the sun or the distance to the end
of the universe!
BG: I think he meant about you.
S: Yes. For example… what exactly are your powers?
Bboy: Of course! As the cosmic personification of birthdays, I can tap into
the vast wellspring of the energy of universal birth, the bottomless source
of all things living!
S: Ok. Good… Which… means what, practically speaking?
Bboy: I can fly, I have great strength, and impervious to most forms of harm,
and can fire blasts of energy from my very hands!
S: Ah! An impressive array.
Bboy: And, you’ll find, more than adequate to fight the types of super-criminals
the Earth Guard tends to fight!
BG: And… (flipping through file) you shape shift, as well?
Bboy: … No.
BG: Oh. I just… in these pictures of your different appearances, you
look different every time…
S: I think she’s asking why that would be.
Bboy: I… am the cosmic personification of birthdays. The embodiment
of the daily essence.
S: So you’ve said, yes. But I think, again, what she is asking is what
Bboy: Ah, I see! Heh. I shall indulge you, for her sake.
Bboy: Each day of the year has its own essence, as you know. It is through
this essence that every person born on each day is bonded together as one.
As each day arrives, I (as the embodiment of that essence) can manifest through
those bonded individuals, bringing with me all the power and persona of the
collective essence of that day’s individuals. For example, today I come
before you in the form of Thomas Schneiderman from Newark, New Jersey. I chose
his body for the obvious benefit of his physique, which, as you can see, suits
me well. But I could just as easily have come in the body of Edward Kravitz
from Des Moines, or Gustav Lustig from Berlin.
BG: Let me get this straight. You don’t have a body of your own, you
just take over the bodies of someone whose birthday it is? What if you got
Bboy: Not to worry! I would move to another body.
BG: Oh, thank God!
S: So, were you to join the guard, you would have a different body every
time we saw you?
Bboy: For the first year, at least! And not just the body.
S: Meaning what?
Bboy: My personality as well. No two days are alike. Today is October 5th,
which means I am quick to grasp new situations in a creative way, I like to
keep busy but need to pace myself, am capable in business but need to be sure
to keep my focus, my lucky color is green, and my lucky numbers are 5, 14,
23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, and 77. If I were to have come up tomorrow, October
6th, I’d have been a bundle of sheer idealism and wild ambitions, whose-
BG: You’ve got to be kidding me. So you’re essentially Astrology
Bboy: No, miss. Birthday Boy.
S: At any rate… you referred earlier to your eternal duty. What is
Bboy: Good will towards men and the righting of wrongs! Working for the good
of all men!
Bboy: You keep saying that-
S: What I mean is… you said ‘eternal duty’. Who appointed
you to this Duty, and why is it eternal?
Bboy: I am the personification of Birthdays! A birthday should be a happy
occasion, therefore, with all my spectacular and unfathomable power, I cannot
abide suffering on my birthday!
S: And it’s always your birthday. Very noble of you.
Bboy: Of course!
BG: Hang on. What about time zones? It can be one day in California, and
the next day in New York.
Bboy: Don’t be ridiculous. Your Earth times are irrelevant to the daily
essence. My power functions on the true cosmic universal time.
S: That makes sense. But again, for practicality’s sake, what would
that translate to, in Earth time?
Bboy: Roughly US Eastern Standard Time. Not in Daylight Savings.
S: Thank you.
BG: What? No, that- that doesn’t make any sense. Why would universal
time operate on a 24-hour, 365 day cycle? That’s preposterous.
S: Binary Girl…
Bboy: (scoff) How little you understand of the universe. Obviously, life
can only exist on planets with roughly 24-hour rotation and 365.25 day revolution.
Although, why I expected you to understand that, I don’t know.
BG: (split) Excuse me?
Bboy: You are a-
S: I’m sure what he means is that… we, as people of Earth, have
less experience in the realm of intergalactic life.
BG: (both) Ah, but the Jovian Gas Lords come from Jupiter, which-
Bboy: Ha! I’d hardly consider them alive.
BG: (Both) Oh, nice! So we should just scatter them into atoms, then, is
S: Binary Girl, please! Birthday Boy is our Guest here, and he-
BG: (both) But he started it!
BG: (both scoff, then she reforms into one) Fine.
S: Thank you. Now, Birthday Boy, as you were saying.
Bboy: Thank you, Stallion. Yes, as I was saying… the Jovians are made
out of gas! Do you grant rights to every breath you exhale? Or every time
you pass gas? Of course not. You do not even grant rights to all the species
indigenous to your planet! And rightly not. I refer to humanoid life, obviously,
as the universally dominant lifeform.
BG: Oh really? Well, you don’t even have a body of your own, so why
should we consider you alive? (scoff) Next thing, you’ll be telling
us you’re called Birthday Boy because English is the true universal
Bboy: Don’t be foolish! I can speak every language spoken by those
connected through this date’s essence. I call myself Birthday Boy for
you, because you speak English, but I would translate the name into whichever
S: There, you see? Are you satisfied now, Barbara? He would just be Birthday
Boy in another language. Now, can I-
BG: Or "Birthday Girl".
BG: Birthday Girl. If you took over the body of girl, you would be Birthday
Bboy: Why on Earth would I do that?
BG: Change your name?
Bboy: No, take the body of a girl.
BG: (split) What?
Bboy: (amused at the idea) Imagine! Taking a female body! Do you think I
use my awesome abilities to do… housework?
BG: (both) Excuse me?!?
PB: (incoming) Attention Guard! Attention Guard! Alert!
S: Peaseblossom! Is there an emergency!
PB: I should say so! ‘Tis Boulder on the move! He runs amok in fair
Los Angeles! We must act now, before the brute should prove the death of one
of your mortal beauties!
Bboy: I can handle this! I’ll just jump into the body of someone in
the vicinity, grab this "Boulder", and fly him into orbit! I don’t
need to breathe, if I don’t want to.
S: What the hell, give it a shot. I’ll take the Horse, and-
Tom: (Not Bboy any more, a normal guy) What… what am I doing here?
What’s going on?
S: Oh, for… Binary Girl! Take care of him! I’m on the job!
BG: (both) What? Stallion, I- (Stallion leaves)
Tom: Hey… you’re that… lesbian chick, right? Sweet!
BG: (both scoff)