Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Four
Episode 4 - Solid Gold

By Jordan D. White

Mr. Fahrenheit
Golden Eel

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Peaseblossom and Mister Fahrenheit in "Solid Gold."

(Peaseblossom and Mr. Fahrenheit are prepping for an interview.)

MF: All right, now listen: as the Earth Guard's official Press secretary, I think I should handle this interview.

PB: Excuse me, sir! I tend to disagree! The Stallion said we were to work in pairs.

MF: Yeah, ok, sure he did, but as the official voice of the Guard, I think what I have to say counts a little bit more than any other member of the Guard.

PB: More than the leader of the group? Not so! Besides, my views on this new applicant are just as valid as your views would be. I do demand my right to question her!

MF: What, are you going to ask her for her phone number?

PB: I would assume that question would be on the application sheet, would it not be?

MF: ... Well... yeah. Nevermind. Look, fine how about this: we'll alternate questions, ok? Me, then you, then me, etc, ok? That way, we'll both get our fair share.

PB: Well, I suppose that sounds equitable.

MF: Good. Did you read the file?

PB: Of course.

MF: Great. So you already know, she's called The Golden Eel. I've seen her on the news; she's tall, and built, stacked and strong, so you're going to have to, you know. Reign yourself in.

PB: Just what exactly do you mean by that?

MF: Look, I know how it is with your type, and I'm just saying. Let's keep this professional, all right? I don't want you to ask her anything, you know, inappropriate.

PB: I should think of the two of us, 'twould be more likely you would say-

(The Golden Eel enters)

GE: Hello?

MF: Why, hello there! Welcome Miss Eel, I'm the Earth Guard Press Secretary, Mr. Fahrenheit. It's a pleasure to meet you.

GE: Thank you, it's my pleasure as well. I've seen your work, and it's quite impressive.

MF: Thank you very much. This is Peaseblossom, fairy-in-exile.

PB: Welcome, fair Golden Eel, to our tower! 'Tis made more radiant by your presence here!

GE: ... Thank you. It's nice to meet you.

MF: (quietly, to PB) Remember what I said. "Appropriate."

PB: I merely said-

MF: We'll talk about it later. Let's get to the interview, shall we? Please, have a seat.

GE: Thank you.

MF: We're just going to ask you a few questions about yourself, and we'll just see how it goes from there. Will that be all right?

GE: Sounds good to me.

MF: Excellent. So... 'The Golden Eel'. Why would a beautiful woman like you pick that... slightly phallic name?

GE: ... (pause... a slightly shocked laugh...) Well... my powers come from finding a golden idol of Tuna, the Eel-God. The idol was a Golden Eel, and I took my name from it. To be completely honest with you, I'm not sure why my sex should have anything to do with who I am as a hero. I always find it slightly insulting when heroes feel the need to modify their names with sex-based modifiers like "Man" or "Girl" or... "Mr.". Yes, I suppose I could have been "Eel Girl", if I wanted to define myself by my sex, but I see no reason to do so.

MF: Now, hang on, you're-

PB: Ah, Mr. Fahrenheit! 'Tis my turn now.

MF: Fine, whatever.

PB: Thank you. Now, Golden Eel, can you tell us just what your super powers do entail? Do you have the abilities of Eels?

MF: Pfff!

GE: Good question. I do, to some extent. I can generate and control electricity, which has a number of practical applications. I can use it to stun opponents. I can make electrical devices stop working. At this point, I don't have fine enough control to do more intricate things, like sending electronic computer signals, but it is possible that, with time, I could develop that ability. In addition, I can breathe under water, which occasionally comes in handy, and my blood is toxic, which rarely comes up, but can be beneficial.

PB: Most amazing! Now, Mr. Fahrenheit...

MF: Thank you, finally! Now, I can't just let what you said before go without question-

GE: About the irrelevance of sex in crime fighting?

MF: No, no- You got your powers from an Eel-God... named Tuna?! What the hell is that? That's like a Dog named "Kitten" or a brand of beer called "Apple Juice."

GE: Eel is the English word for the animal, but some cultures use the word Tuna. But I don't see how that's relevant.

MF: That's stupid! What's their word for "Tuna"... "Salmon"?

PB: Pardon me, but your question is up!

MF: Fine! Jesus, stickler for the rules much?

PB: How would you say your powers would fit in among the Earth Guard as it stands right now? Would they be complimentary, or would they build upon what we already have?

GE: I've actually given that a lot of thought, actually. I wouldn't want to join the Earth Guard if I was just going to echo someone already on the team. But I think my powers are sufficiently different from the rest of the Guard that I would be a valuable addition. For example: yesterday, when the Guard fought Boulder?

PB: Yes?

GE: You and Captain Fantasy were tied up dealing with the downed power lines. If I had been there, I could have handled those on my own, redirecting their currents, or even absorbing them into myself. That would have freed you and the Captain up to deal with other things- Boulder himself, perhaps, or rescuing people. That way, when Boulder increased his mass and brought Birthday Boy crashing into Elysian Park, instead of Birthday Boy throwing him onto the surface of the moon, Captain Fantasy could have put him to sleep, and he would not have gotten lost among the moon rubble. So, yes, I think I would fit into the Guard filling a unique niche that no one on the team has yet filled.

MF: Ok, ok, now I get two questions.

PB: What? Why is that?

MF: You had two questions!

PB: I did not!

MF: First you had the one about how she fits into the Earth Guard, then, when she was telling her story, you said "Yes?" Just like that, it was a question, like "Yes?"

PB: That is preposterous, I-

MF: It counts! I'm the Earth Guard's official press secretary, and I say it counts! Now, Miss Eel-

GE: You can just call me Eel.

MF: All right, 'Eel', or should I say 'Tuna'... answer my question from before.

GE: ... What... what question?

MF: If they call 'eel' 'tuna', what do they call 'tuna', 'salmon'?

GE: ... I have no idea.

MF: BAM! Stumped her!

GE: I couldn't tell you what they call tuna, because I don't actually speak the language. Tuna is the name of the Eel-God brought into being by Hina and slain by Maui. The basis for the Golden Eel idol. The idol which gave me my superpowers. With which I fight crime. Which, interestingly, I do quite well. I have letters of reference from a number of prominent law enforcement official.

PB: Oh, really?

MF: Yeah, ok, we'll get to all that, but it's still my go. So... next question. Do you play Uno?

GE: ... Uno.

MF: Yeah, Uno. It's a card game.

PB: And what exactly does that have to do with whether she should join the Guard or not?

MF: Oh, well, for you information, Miss Smarty-no-pants, Uno happens to be both a great way to pass the time as well as a good test of strategic abilities. AND that counts as your next question, so now I get another one, as soon as Eel here answers my first one. So?

GE: No. No, I don't play Uno. I consider it to be a pointless and silly waste of time that could be better spent using my powers to fight crime. Because that's why I'm here. I thought the Earth Guard existed for the sole purpose of fighting crime and defeating super-villains and threats of all kind. Apparently, I was wrong. From what I've seen today, you're far more concerned with petty bickering, stupid questions, and now, children's games. I'm beginning to think I might be better off fighting crime on my own than joining with you.

PB: No, wait! I do apologize to you most humbly and sincerely for this lout, but he does not speak for the Guard entire, regardless of the title he has claimed! We others take our job seriously, and do devote to our Guard work. Don't let the actions of this one moron color your views of the Earth Guard on whole! I do assure you, you are wanted here!

GE: ... Fine. I'll stay. But I want to be taken seriously. I want to answer questions regarding my abilities to fight crime and my qualifications to do so. No more of these nonsense questions.

MF: Pfff. All right, All right.

GE: I'm serious.

MF: I know, ok? All right, here, I've got a good question, a real question. One that actually concerns your ability to fight crime.

GE: All right, good.

MF: Are you gay?

(GE slaps MF and storms out of the room)

PB: No! Golden Eel, don't go, I swear, he's just- (to MF) You arrogant, malodorous nitwit! Hmph! (She leaves)

MF: (calling after them) What? That was relevant! If she was another gay chick, she'd get all distracted by you other gay chicks! What? Pfff.

Go to Episode 5