Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common
goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them
from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations,
they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger.
To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner
or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Dr.
Fast and Voodoo Lady in "Rocking the Boat."
(The tower is empty. Then, Voodoo Lady & Dr. Fast enter.)
VL: … wow.
VL: I’ve never seen Captain Fantasy so upset. Or lucid. Come to think
of it, I’ve never seen him upset at all before; not really.
DF: He killed a man. I remember the first time something I did resulted in
a death. It was years ago. I had a hold of the Tortoise as I outran a blast
he’d set off. He punched me and wrenched himself out of my grip. He
got caught directly in the path of fire. Roasted alive. Rationally, I knew
it wasn’t my fault, but emotionally… No man can control his emotions,
no matter how smart. I blamed myself. The guilt was crushing, it threw me
into a spiral of depression. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t fight
crime, I couldn’t relax. Only after I’d finally hit rock bottom
could I begin climbing out of the pit of despair I’d sunken into.
VL: God, I’m so sorry, Irving, I had no idea. How… how long did
it take you?
DF: Nearly five seconds.
VL: Five… seconds?
DF: That’s nearly an eternity for me! Do you know how much I can accomplish
in five seconds? I cured sleeping in two point eight! Besides, I am a very
rational man. I told you, it wasn’t my fault.
VL: By that scale, the good Captain should be over this in approximately
eighty-three decades. Not only is he about as rational as a kick in the ear,
but this actually does appear to be his fault. I mean, I had no problem going
down and supporting him in the investigation- he’s a fellow Guard member,
after all – but, Man! He squashed Gasmask like a bug!
DF: He said he thought he was a caterpillar.
VL: Does he always drop one ton of coinage on caterpillars?
DF: Apparently, he has a severe distaste for caterpillars.
VL: I mean, I know he’s always had trouble distinguishing between the
dream world and reality, but come on. This is too much.
DF: Yes, I agree, it is strange. His delusions usually have a clearer one-to-one
correspondence. This could indicate that the illness is getting worse.
VL: Wait… delusions?
DF: Yes, this whole "world of dreams". Clearly, it’s a delusion.
I mean, only he can see, hear, feel, smell, or taste it. It is likely not
real at all.
VL: God, you are such a- … Um. I mean, I… tend to disagree with
that assessment. It doesn’t… feel right to just dismiss the entire
thing because I can’t see it. Science isn’t everything, after
all. You know what I mean?
DF: Yes, but I am basing my opinion on observable fact, and you are basing
yours on a feeling, unsubstantial and unscientific. In addition, I am a doctor,
having achieved over sixteen separate doctoral degrees, while you are a layperson.
All told, I should say my opinion holds substantially more weight than yours,
VL: I cannot believe you just- … No. You know what? Fine, it’s
ok. I deserve that. Irving… Look, this is hard for me to say… but
I want you to know… I’m really and truly sorry.
DF: … For what?
VL: (noise of shock) You insufferable-
(Dr. Rock enters.)
DR: Ah, hello there.
DF: You must be Doctor Rock.
DR: Yes, yes, I am. Dr. Fast and… Voodoo Lady, I presume? You’re
even more stunning in person than in photographs.
VL: Why thank you, it’s nice to meet a doctor who is also a gentleman.
Please, make yourself comfortable.
DR: Thank you very much. I hope you don’t mind, I brought a few personal
effects with me. They make me feel a little more comfortable.
VL: Oh, um. Sure.
DR: Thank you very much. There… I always feel much better in my robe
and slippers. Makes me more comfortable. Do you mind if I smoke my pipe?
DF: I’m afraid regulations forbid smoking in the workplace, due to
the health hazards.
DR: What, cancer? I should have the cure ready any day now, but at any rate,
no, this is specially engineered, non-carcinogenic, calcium rich tobacco.
My own design. Do you mind?
VL: I guess not. Haven’t you been working on curing cancer, Dr. Fast?
DF: I’ve been busy. Now, Doctor, we’d like to ask you few questions
about yourself. Beginning with your name. It’s something of a pet peeve
of mine when people of superhuman abilities falsely utilize the title "Doctor".
Are you, in fact, a doctor?
DR: Of course. Originally awarded a doctorate in cellular biology at age
twenty, I have since gone on to earn an additional forty-seven degrees in
everything from anthropology to theoretical mathematics.
VL: How many did you say you had, Irv? Sixteen?
DF: Over sixteen.
VL: So that’s… what? Seventeen?
DR: Although, to be fair, for the vast majority of those I didn’t actually
complete a program of studies. The universities would award them upon my completion
of a dissertation that sufficiently demonstrated my knowledge.
DF: Ha! Dissertations! Dissertations are a dime a dozen. For example… (whoosh,
then back) There. I just wrote seven.
DR: Congratulations! Although I should say that quality matters a bit more
than quantity. Were I concerned with the number of dissertations I produced,
I could have written many more. No, I focussed on leaving a lasting impression
on each field I touched upon, and have so far been imminently successful.
No less than thirty-four of those fields have named research facilities after
me. Surely, you’ve heard of the Rock Institute of Rock?
VL: That was referring to you? Impressive! I may be wrong, but I think you
would be the first member of the Earth Guard with an institute named after
them, isn’t that right, Doctor?
DF: No, you forget the Stanton Institute in Cambridge, though that was named
for a charitable monetary donation, rather than any scientific discovery.
For my own part, I output enough research on my own to match the discoveries
of forty-three point six research facilities.
DR: Amazing! Though, I would draw your attention back to my early statement
VL: (laughs) SLAM!
DF: Amusing. And do you also have a medical degree?
DR: Alas! I do not. Between all my PhD’s I have not yet found the time
to break into the health care field. That is one place you have me beat, being
a licensed Podiatrist as you are.
VL: You’re a podiatrist?
DF: … I do a lot of running.
VL: I’ve got this painful toenail, think you could take a look?
DF: SPEAKING of running… do you have any superhuman abilities, Doctor,
or is your knowledge your only attribute of note?
VL: Yeah, do you turn into rocks? Or throw rocks? Or control rocks, or something?
DR: No, nothing like that. My name is Jonathan Rock, PhD. Hence, Dr. Rock.
In regard to my abilities, while my intellect alone would make me invaluable
to any organization, the Earth Guard included, it is not my only amazing ability,
no. In my late twenties, I developed a serum which, having tested it upon
my person, has changed the physical attributes of my body for all time. Somehow,
while the chemical composition of my body remains the same, the durability
of those compounds has been boosted to unheard of levels. My entire body is
completely invulnerable to harm of any kind.
VL: So, in a way, you could say you’re as hard as a rock?
DR: No, not really. In terms of actually hardness, my flesh is still as malleable
as it was before, it just cannot be ruptured. And in terms of resilience,
I am far superior than an rock, including diamond. Indeed, I have not been
cut, bruised, aged, or otherwise damaged since that day. So, while my physical
strength is that of a normal man, when in a fight-
DF: Wait, hang on right there!
DF: Did you say… I’m sorry, did you say you have not aged at
all since that day?
DR: Correct. I look exactly as I did, that fateful day fourteen years ago.
DF: You’ve… you’ve cured aging?
DR: (scoff) Well, I’d hardly put it that way. I’ve… let’s
say I’ve discovered the key to suspending aging indefinitely. Why?
DF: Where is this serum? Do you have more? Why hasn’t it been mass
marketed to the public? Why haven’t you stopped all aging? What is the
DR: Doctor! Doctor! Please! I’m afraid I destroyed the formula.
DR: No, there are some things man is not meant to know. Man’s knowledge
combined with eternal life makes him too close to a God. I would know. No,
no one else should ever be burdened with the curse I have laid upon myself.
DF: What the hell is wrong with you, man?!? You call yourself a scientist?!?
It isn’t your place to decide what is or isn’t mankind’s
place! No man may stand in the way of technology! You’ve got to give
the formula to mankind, and let us decide our own fate! Now, tell me the formula!
DR: I’m afraid I can’t do that.
DF: Not only can you, you must! All of mankind compels you!
DR: No, I can’t. I actually cannot, thanks to you.
DF: What… what do you mean by that?
DR: Your memory alteration device. Some years ago, you designed it? Something
about time travel? I’m not sure of the details, but you published the
theory behind it in High Science. Upon realizing what I’d done to myself,
I knew no one else should be burdened with the same fate, but I knew I couldn’t
keep the secret myself. Then I remembered your device, and I-
DF: NO! NOOOO! (leaves)
DR: Ah. Could you… could you tell him I’m sorry about that?
VL: Sure, if you want.
DR: Do you… do you think this will hurt my chances of getting into
VL: Not with me, it won’t.