Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Four
Episode 11 - On Ice

By Jordan D. White

The Argus
Voodoo Lady
Dragon Drop

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: The Argus and Voodoo Lady in "On Ice."

(The Argus and Voodoo Lady are on Guard Duty together, while Dragon Drop and Wizzy-Wig are waiting in the nearby cells.)

VL: So you guys took out the entire Sys-ops by yourselves? Just you, Bumblebee, Broadband, and the Stallion?

A: It sounds more impressive than it was, really. It was simple.

DD: Oh, come on! They ambushed us!

WW: It was hardly fair! We were just going in for tea! We didn't know fruit-of-the-loom here would be waiting for us!

A: That's the benefit of having the All-Seeing Argus on the Earth Guard - I can seek out enemies, no matter where they might hide.

DD: We weren't hiding, we were minding our own business.

WW: (giggles, sings) He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows if you're awake, he watches as you're showering, and when you mastur-

A: You're not my type, fancypants.

DD: What? What are you talking about?

WW: You haven't heard? (giggles) Oh, I thought I'd told you! Argus here is Captain Fantasy's... what do you call them now? Life partner?

DD: What? Oh god! That's disgusting!

A: You boys ought to behave. We don't want to have to hurt you.

WW: (giggles) Oh! Listen to him, trying to be a chum! 'See' anything you like, Mr. Panoptes? I may not be interested, but I've always wondered about Dragon Drop.

DD: Hey! What did I tell you about that?

A: You're awfully sensitive about it. Anything you want to get off your chest?

DD: Oh, you too, now? Very frickin' funny. Don't forget what happened last time I was on the Guard Tower!

VL: If I remember correctly, you got your ass handed to you. Now shut the hell up, both of you! Unless, of course, you'd like to spend your time before you join your teammates in the Powerhouse with giant purple scorpions keeping you quiet. Want a preview?

WW: No, thank you, dear, it wouldn't go with my ensemble, you see. Do you have anything in a mauve?

VL: Oh, my, you're a funny one. Let's see how you like-

A: Oh, just leave him be. I've dealt with bullies like him. If you ignore him, he'll have no reason to keep talking.

WW: Oh! You hear that, Dragon Drop? A psychologist, too! This one could be the catch you've been waiting for!

DD: If there wasn't a force field between us-

WW: You'd kiss me? I knew it! Hear that, Argus? This one's one of your type! Not enough the effete little priss got us caught because he needed his decaf mochachino-

DD: It's an iced mochachino, and sorry we can't all drink tea and strumpets like you people!

WW: Heterosexuals, you mean? And I think you meant to say-

VL: Hello! Scorpions, anyone? Stingy-stingy poison tails? Anyone? (pause, silence) Good. Now, Argus, as we were saying... just the four of you against the four of them?

A: Oh, yes. I was able to locate them using my all-seeing ability, so we just went to the coffee shop they were heading for and lay in wait. Stallion was able to horseshoe Wizzy-Wig's cyberwig off before he even knew what was happening.

WW: And even still, I-

VL: Ah-ah-ah!

WW: Apologies, madame.

A: Bumblebee took Dragon Drop, since she was too small for him to get a grip on with his beam-

DD: I would've swatted the bitch eventually! She was-

VL: That's it! Scorpions.

DD: No! Ahhhh! AHhHHHHHH!! Stop it! Stop!!!

WW: (giggling)

DD: I'll be quiet! I'll quiet!! I'm good! Stop! (then, hard breathing as the scorpions go away)

VL: You'll be silent?

DD: Yeah... I'll-

VL: SHHHHT! (pause) Great. How about Troll?

A: Broadband handled Troll. Took quite a beating in the process, but managed to take him down. I went for Pop-Up. I could see him everywhere he popped to, so I just zapped him with my blaster.

VL: Not bad. They can be pretty tough, those guys.

DD: Yeah, except when we're not- ... um. Nevermind.

WW: Ha ha! Here that Argus? Clearly a bottom. Comes pre-trained and everything.

VL: All right, you asked for it!

WW: Ahhh!!!! No, please, get them off me! Help!

DD: See? How do you like it?

(incoming transmission. WW's screams die out.)

Stallion: Guard Tower. Come in Guard Tower.

A: Argus here, Stallion. What's the good word?

S: The Power House is ready for Wizzy-Wig. If one of you could escort him down...

A: Not a problem. We'll be right there. Argus out.

WW: That's... for sure...

VL: You want to take him, or should I?

A: I guess I should go... I think I make Dragon Drop uncomfortable.

DD: I don't like your kind looking at me!

WW: As if you're... anything... to look at...

VL: You know what? You stay here with our homophobic friend. I can take this fashion victim. Come on. (opens cell)

WW: Hey now... That's a personal attack.

VL: Speaking of which, how is Captain Fantasy doing?

A: Oh, he's been well. Trying to get a job at the mall, today. I told him to set his sights higher, but, well... he's just a dear.

VL: Tell him I said hi. Let's go, Wizzy-Boy. See you soon.

A: So long! (VL and WW Leaves) I thought she'd never leave. Now, then, Dragon Drop... you and I have some business to attend to.

DD: Hang on now... Wizzy-Wig's full of crap. I don't go that way, you get me? I'm not one of you people.

A: Is that so? You ever tried?

DD: No way! I'm all man.

A: So there's no way you'd be attracted to me?

DD: Not a chance.

A: Are you sure?

DD: I couldn't be more sure.

Suspiria: What if I looked like this?

DD: Wha... Sus... Suspiria?

Sus: Is that who I am? Thanks for the reminder, it almost slipped my mind.

DD: What are you doing here? How did you-

Sus: Are you really that stupid? I'm here to destroy the Earth Guard. I've sworn to do so, to make them suffer as none have suffered before, and I'm just getting started.

DD: What did you do to the Argus?

Argus: There is no Argus, moron! It was me. It was always me.

DD: But Argus has been fighting crime for-

Argus: Months! Ever since the breakout. Since the Guard lost the Jack. How else could I get close enough to the Earth Guard to crush them? I had to get in close. It's the only way to really twist the knife.

DD: So how did you use his "All-Seeing" powers?

Argus: Pft. No such thing.

Sus: I just read people's minds. I'm a telepath, remember?

DD: Wait... so, you're the one who killed the Golden Eel?

Sus: See that? Still a genius after all. I'd thought getting Captain Fantasy off the team would have made room for me, but no. I had to take matters into my own hands. She never even saw me coming.

DD: So, Captain Fantasy... is he-

Sus: Dead? Of course not. He's my arch-nemesis. I'm not going to let him go until I absolutely have to. Now that he's disconnected from the world of dreams, he's nothing. Less than nothing. I keep him around for amusement, chained to my bedpost. The gag muffles the screams, but it shuts him up. Once he stops feeling the pain, I'm sure I'll tire of him.

DD: I can't believe you really did it. You've fooled the entire Earth Guard!

Sus: Yes. Yes, I did.

DD: This is going to be incredible. So, what's the plan now? What do we do next?

Sus: What do you mean?

DD: What do you want to have me be? Should I be some other hero? Here, let me out, I'll go on the Brainframe, we can find someone for me to be, then go kill them.

Sus: What are you talking about?

DD: Let me out, I'll show you.

Sus: Why ever would I let you out? You're perfectly helpless in there.

DD: I... what... what do you-

Sus: Did you not notice? Not make the connection?

Argus: The Argus was the one who suggested taking out the Sys-ops, remember? Did you think this little reunion was just a coincidence? Let mask you: seen Lady Luna recently?

DD: You...

Argus: How strange! No one's seen her recently, have they? And guess what? They never will. (laughs) And what a shame about poor Gasmask, hmmm? Captain Fantasy killed him because... he looked like something else? Odd! (laughs more)

DD: You killed them?

Argus: (sweet) That's one way of looking at it. Another is that they got (mental and scary) exactly what they deserved for getting in my way! (sweet again) Promise you won't tell the rest of the Guard?

DD: I won't... I won't tell anyone.

Argus: You know, for once I actually believe you. Is that weird?

DD: Why are you doing this? Why are you wasting time killing us, when you could just get the Guard?

Sus: (angry) Because the last time I had the Guard at my mercy, it was you idiots who screwed things up for me! I had them right in the palm of my hands, but you and your moronic bickering, your petty foolishness, blew the entire operation!

DD: So what good is killing us now?

Sus: It's called revenge. Now, as I sit poised to wipe them off the face of the planet once again, I first destroy those who have impeded me in the past. It's all very symbolic.

DD: If you kill me, you'll give yourself away! The guard will know!

Sus: Oh, of course!

Stallion: (but really Suspiria) "The Argus killed Dragon Drop? That must mean he's really Suspiria! That's far more likely than the villain trying to escape and the fledgling Guard Member accidentally using too much force!"

Sus: Don't be such a simpleton in your last moments on Earth. Try to have a little bit of dignity, ok?

DD: So, that's just it? You're going to kill me?

Sus: Pretty much, yeah. Although, we have a few minutes... and you know how much I love bathing in the screams of my enemies. Any chance you'd oblige?

DD: If you're going to kill me, just do it. You owe me that much.

Sus: Hm... No. I don't.

DD: Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! NOOOOO! Oh God please NOOOOOOOO!

Argus: (chuckles) Mmmm... I never get tired of that.

Go to Season 5