Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Five
Episode 2 - Feel Good

By Jordan D. White

Voodoo Lady

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Bumblebee and Voodoo Lady in "Feel Good."

(Voodoo Lady is in the Guard Tower with the Stallion.)

S: But that's just it, I'm supposed to be the leader of this group! This should be a top down organization! I make decisions, and they trickle down to the rest of the team to carry out!

VL: I didn't mean to-

S: No one means to! But the problem is that everyone does! I am the duly elected head of the Earth Guard, not the Guard Tower custodian, but somehow that's what it becomes. It's not enough I have to oversee and organize every single thing that goes on with the Guard, any time the tiniest thing comes up, it's "Stallion, you need to do this," "Stallion, this other thing needs to get done." You know what? You think it needs to get done? Great. I charge you with making sure it happens.

VL: It's just a broken coffee maker. I think we can afford a new one.

S: Then it won't be hard for you to take care of. As leader of the team, I already have duties to tend to- and that's on top of actually fighting crime. I don't need every member of the Guard updating my "to do" list for me. I'm tired of it.

VL: (sighs, starts using the computer)

S: You want me to get a new coffee maker. Someone else wants me to, I don't know, make sure the trophy display we leant to the Smithsonian is ready to go. All right, I do that, who's working on our Government reports? Who's making the duty rosters for Guard Duty? Every minute I spend on these little things, these things you all could do yourselves, for the good of the Guard, I might add - every minute I spend is another minute lost from doing the actual job I'm supposed to be doing. I can't literally take care of every tiny little thing the guard needs! Even I have my limits!

VL: Yeah, speaking of which: what's your credit card number?

S: What? Why?

VL: To order the coffee maker. While you've been sitting there whining about how you never have time to get anything done, I placed the entire order. All I need now is your expense card- unless you expect me to pay for it, too. I know reading off a string of numbers is valuable time you could be using to polish up the old Earth Guard Alumni Newsletter or whatnot, but I'll try to be quick about it. For my part, I find the less time I spend talking about how much there is to do, the more I have to do it. Weird, huh? Got your card out?

S: Uh... (gets it) yeah.

VL: Go ahead.

S: 4-0-6-4

VL: Uh huh.

S: 7-4-3-9

VL: Mm Hmm.

S: 6-5-

Bee: (entering, tiny)Hey there, everyone! Ooo, hi, Stallion, long time no see! (she grows to normal size) Too bad I'm here to relieve you of duty, otherwise, during our shift, I could relieve you of some-

S: No, it's best if I go. Like I was telling Voodoo Lady, I do have a lot to get done. The Allusionist is back in my hometown, and I've got a few leads on some rare books he might be targeting.

Bee: You hear that? He's always so serious! You need to release some of that tension- and I know just where you keep it. Right... here!

S: Oooooo-ohhh.... (you know, good massage moaning)

Bee: Yep. Lower back. You know my power can loosen this up for you. We've got to get together again; keeping your back all wound up like this isn't healthy! Not to mention that it's spreading down here to your-

S: No! No, I... really must be going. He could already have a first edition of Tale of Two Cities in a guillotine by now.

VL: Wait, Stallion-

S: I'll call in if I find anything.

VL: No! (he leaves) Sigh. Great. There's another fifty bucks sunk into the Guard.

Bee: You seem pretty tense yourself. I could just-

VL: Don't you lay a single tingly little fingertip on me. I don't want any part of what you're offering.

Bee: Massages?

VL: No! You whoring yourself out to the Guard.

Bee: (offended noise) Whoring myself? Is that what you think I do? I would never!

VL: Oh really? And what about your little massage sessions? That one with the Stallion? What was that all about?

Bee: There was no "whoring" involved. First he took off all his clothes, then I took off all mine, then I oiled up my entire body and rubbed it all over him. After that, we made love.

VL: That, right there! What do you call that?

Bee: It's not whoring! There was no exchange of money!

VL: But you still slept with him!

Bee: Of course! But I didn't have to, I did it because I wanted to.

VL: You wanted to become the team bicycle?

Bee: No, I wanted to make people happy.

VL: What?

Bee: We have a responsibility to use our powers for the benefit of mankind. My powers happen to have amazing sexual capabilities. I have an obligation to use them to the best of my ability.

VL: And turn yourself into a slut.

Bee: That's a very negative and judgemental way to view the situation.

VL: So, maybe I'm a negative and judgemental person.

Bee: Well, I would never say something like that; it's just mean. Besides, when you judge people, all you're really doing is telling people about yourself. For example, now I know that you have some sort of sexual hang-ups that keep you from maximizing your sexual enjoyment.

VL: Fortunately, you have no such problem. Oh, and let me guess; you could help me get past all that, am I right?

Bee: If you'd just learn to relax a little, I bet you'd-

VL: Hands to yourself!

Bee: Well, you're certainly no fun this way. Oh, well. I suppose every team has to have one stick in the mud.

VL: Wait... one? Are you saying... I'm the only one you haven't-

Bee: Well, not the only one, no. Let me see... Stallion, yes; Peaseblossom, yes; Binary Girl-

VL: I thought they were in a relationship.

Bee: Of course they are! Apparently, they had some trouble with me at first, but we've got it all worked out now. I can only be with both of them at the same time.

VL: Lovely.

Bee: It's fine by me! Three for the price of one. Anyway... Broadband, yes; Mister Fahrenheit, yes; Bob Stanton, yes-

VL: You already said Broadband.

Bee: Yes, but I've been with both. Robert's more gentle, but Broadband's- (book on head) Ow! What's with this shelf?

VL: I'm grateful for it- if I heard any more, I'd have hit myself on the head with a book. Anyway, you forgot Dr. Fast. You've spent so much time in his lab, I'm sure you and he have had time for a "quickie".

Bee: Irving? No, we've never. I mean, not that I wouldn't. I would. We just... we've been working so hard on the Golden Eel's murder investigation, it hasn't really come up. So, no Dr. Fast. No Argus, either. He says he's not interested in girls.

VL: Well, neither am I.

Bee: Maybe you just never found the right one.

VL: Or maybe I'm not interested in cheating on my husband like some kind of wanton-

Bee: See? There you go again. All you're doing is revealing that you've got some sort of monogamy kink. For some reason, you've decided to only be with one person, sexually. That's your decision, just like bondage or spanking is for other people. It's no different from any other fetish... except it's less fun.

VL: And it's shared by the vast majority of people.

Bee: Not in my experience...

VL: But at least most people have the decency to hide it. You parade it around like you're proud to be fastest thing this side of light waves. You obviously have no respect for yourself, so I see no need to give you any of mine.

Bee: I do better than respect myself- I love myself. I love myself, I love being me, doing what I do, and I love being part of the Guard. Something tells me you can't say the same. You think I'm dirty because you think sex is dirty. That's your problem to deal with. I love sex, and I love each and every member of the Guard. I want to spend time with them. What could possibly be dirty about sharing something I love with the people I care about?

VL: You could be diseased!

Bee: Nope. The Creationist's Miracle radiation has my immune system in hyperdrive. I haven't had so much as a sniffle-germ in me since the blast.

VL: That's convenient.

Bee: This is what I've been telling you- I have a responsibility to use this gift wisely. Think of all the possible people that could have been hit by that beam and given these powers - for it to hit me... this was meant to be. I mean, I don't want to say the Creationist was right about God or anything... but this had to happen for a reason.

VL: Wow... I never thought of it that way. Maybe... maybe I should give you a try.

Bee: See? You won't be sorry. I think you'll find it quite-

VL: "By day, she's slightly portly Susie Silver, but by night she takes to the sheets as Bumblebee, sexual liberator and fully functional vibrating massage toy! Hot and bothered by those she's sworn to protect! Keeping the world safe for loose morals and easy women!" (laughs)

Bee: You're not funny, you know.

VL: "Her only weakness- the dreaded Head-Ache!"

Bee: You're just a bitter old hag. But I forgive you.

VL: Oh, I'm so relieved!

Bee: And the offer still stands, if you ever join us here in the 21st Century.

VL: Ah! So you can see your calendar from your bed, can you?

Bee: You can stop now.

VL: I doubt it.

Go to Episode 3