Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Five
Episode 4 - Work It Out

By Jordan D. White

Mr. Fahrenheit
Dr. Fast

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Peaseblossom and Mr. Fahrenheit in "Work It Out."

(So: for this episode, the Earth Guard have had their brains swapped. Mr. F is in Peaseblossom’s body and vice versa. As such, I am going to write the lines being said by Mr. F and label them as MF, but they will be spoken by the actress who usually plays Peaseblossom, and so forth. The labels refer to the brain, not the body. Got it?)

MF: This is ridiculous, what’s taking so long?

PB: I can’t imagine fixing this could be as simple as you make it sound, my friend. ‘Tis likely Dr. Fast himself is still adjusting to the state we all are in. When one is used to moving at such speed, deceleration must be hard indeed.

MF: So? He still has his brain, and that’s the part that needs to get us out of this mess. He said he could reverse what Suspiria did to us. I want to get back to my own body, already!

PB: And you complain to me about our plight? Am not I in a worser state than thee? ‘Tis much like Dr fast’s predicament; to start the morn with such a comely form and find myself by evening’s darkest hour within so base and abject a figure! Truly, the woe betides and ceaseth not!

MF: Yeah, that nonsense you spew isn’t any easier to understand coming out of my mouth than it is from yours. Point is, I want out. Don’t get me wrong, normally I’d be fine with being in the body of the hottest member of the Guard, but I’d want a little privacy in order to explore the- (PB smacks MF’s hands away from “her”self.)

PB: Good sir! I’ve told thee once, and now again, to keep my hands to mine own self anon!

MF: Yeah, yeah… you don’t see me struggling to keep you away from my lovely manly lumps.

PB: As if I’d ever deign to-

MF: All right! God, I hope my voice isn’t that annoying when I’m me. Jesus. Let’s just… let’s just wait for Dr. Fast to call back.

PB: Fine.

MF: (excited) Hey, I just thought: if he can’t find a way to fix this-

PB: Alack the heavy day were that to be!

MF: No, but if he couldn’t, I bet they would totally do that album with me now! I mean, even if we told them I wasn’t really you-

PB: Of course you-

MF: No, but even if I did, they’d still totally do it because I’m a hot chick! Bands with hot chicks singing are way popular! Can you sing? You’ve got to be able to sing, right?

PB: With voice as clear and dulcet as a summer morn, but Mr. Fahrenheit-

MF: (singing) “You’re running hot and cold, and I’m running from the start. You’re stunning, not too old, and I’m gunning for your heart! Oh!” This is going to be awesome! I’ve got to call Steve, he’s going to flip his-

PB: (angry) Mister Fahrenheit!

MF: Uh… what?

PB: I absolutely won’t allow you to record your foolish album with my voice! I’m confident that shortly, Dr. Fast will call to say he’s got this sorted out! Until that point, I strongly recommend YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I SINGE IT OFF!

MF: … but, it would be your mouth that you singed. So…

PB: I have knowledge of many healing balms. What could you do if I burned off… say… your-

MF: No! No- I’ll be fine. I need that part! I’ll behave- withdraw your hand. Slowly!

PB: Relax- I’ll not disfigure you for naught.

MF: Yeah, right! Says the girl whose fault it is we’re stuck this way in the first place!

PB: What? I don’t see how-

MF: Oh, come on. If you hadn’t killed Suspiria, we could just lean on her ass until she swapped us back. We wouldn’t be stuck waiting on Dr. Bumble.

PB: You cannot blame me for what came to pass! I’d just been torn from my embodiment and thrust into a foreign form! How could I know I’d need to focus on keeping your pow’rs from setting all ablaze?

MF: Yeah, well, now you know. We can’t all be ‘little dancing nymphs, floating zephyr-like on the breeze’. My powers take fine pin-pointed control, or who knows what could happen! You could freeze dry an entire country, if you’re not careful! Man, you obviously never listened to any of my lyrics. (singing) “The power in my finger could ignite the entire world! Only you can help me, with the power of your lovin’ girl!”

PB: (hits the comm) Peaseblossom calling Dr. Fast! Come in!

(Bumblebee and Dr. Fast are similarly swapped. Again, label indicates brain, not body.)

Bee: Hello?

PB: I’m sorry, Dr. Fast, to interrupt-

Bee: Oh- hee hee, no, silly, it’s me, Bumblebee! I’m just here in Irving’s lab, so I figured I would pick up the comm for him. He’s a little-

DF: (Agonized scream of frustration. A dog barks, as well.)

Bee: …upset.

MF: Well, tell him to chop chop- we’re not getting any younger, here!

Bee: Is that you, Elijah? Oh my… imagine the fun we could have, me as Irving, you as Peaseblossom… Mmm, I can just-

PB: Perhaps you’d let us speak to Dr. Fast?

Bee: Sure, if you want. Let me get him. Toodles! Irv? They want you.

DF: Yes, what is it?

MF: What’s the delay, man? We’ve been waiting for like… thirty minutes. You said it would take five!

DF: You expect me to perform complex calculations in this thing? (a dog barks) I can barely multiply without taking seconds to tabulate! How did I ever work with this primitive wetware before?

MF: Why don’t you just use a cal-

DF: You’re wasting my time! Goodbye! (comm off)

MF: God! Why is everyone such a jerk to me?

PB: Inverse the golden rule and find they too do unto you as you, unto them, do.

MF: Couldn’t you just speak pig latin or something? Because, that I could probably translate.

PB: Would that I spoke your simple tongue’s discourse… that better I could tell thee whither thou shouldst shove thy-

MF: Hey- why didn’t it get Broadband?

PB: Pardon?

MF: Broadband. You and me swapped brains, Bumblebee and Dr. Fast got flipped. Stallion got Binary Girl, Voodoo Lady got Argus. Why didn’t she get Broadband? Her majick works on him, right? I mean, she can zap him through the unit, right? I remember her doing that, before.

PB: Dost thou jest?

MF: No. Why?

PB: Dost thou not recollect the hound nearby? Didst thou not hear the barking from the lab, or from the unit when she did the deed?

MF: No. Why?

PB: Suffice to say, perhaps excepting me, Broadband has it far worse than anyone.

MF: Wait, wait… Are you telling me he’s a dog? Like, literally a dog?

PB: I am.

MF: Oh man! I’ve got to write up a press release on this! I can see it now, scrolling across the bottoms of every news channel in America: “Oldest Guard Member Total Dog”. This is going to be great!

PB: I would remind you yet again, my friend, that if respect from others is your ends, perhaps you should treat them as you would choose they treat you, were they ever in your shoes.

MF: Forget it! This guy had his shot- he blew it. (typing) “It is with great displeasure,” yeah right, “… that I inform the press… that the hero known as Broadband… has tragically… been turned… into a filthy animal. Specifically… a dog. We only hope… he does not spread fleas… to the entire Guard.”

PB: Alas, betime you speak this speech of them, he shall be back within his human frame. How else could’st thou read off thy little jibe?

MF: Crap, you’re right. All right… here’s the plan: you’ll have to give the press conference pretending to be me.

PB: What? Never!

MF: Oh, come on! You owe me that much!

PB: In what way?

MF: Duh! All your fault, remember? And, you won’t even let me enjoy my new body. At least give me something! Is a little joy in another’s suffering too much to ask?

PB: Well, I don’t know… you think they’d fall for it?

MF: If you can drop the pansy-ass accent long enough to pull it off, sure. Why wouldn’t they? You’re me, I give the speeches. What’s to suspect?

PB: Perhaps, for just a-

DF: (on comm) Everyone, quickly! I may have a solution to our troubles, but I’m going to need additional DNA samples from each of you. I’ll come by and collect one from… I’ll… hm.

Bee: You want me to get them, doc?

DF: Yes, fine, thank you. (she wooshes, dog barks) And a blood sample will work fine, Bumblebee!

Bee: (actually in the tower now) Aw, party pooper. Hope you two aren’t afraid of needles!

MF: You know me better than that, babydoll.

Bee: Of course! I’ve stuck you with much bigger!

MF: What?

Bee: Oh, hee hee, you’re Elijah, right. Sorry about that. You’re the paddle, she’s the-

PB: What?

Bee: Uh, gotta run. Thanks for the samples! We’ll call. (woosh)

MF: I, uh… I don’t know what she was-

(Stallion & Binary Girl are swapped, ditto labeling from before.)

Stal: (as both Binary Girls, on comm) Stallion to Dr. Fast, come in, Dr. Fast.

MF: This is the Guard Tower. He’s in his lab.

Stal: (both) Damn it! How do she handle having two of these things?

A: I told you, Stallion, it’s no problem, I can call the-

Stall: (both) No! I can’t handle it, Argus! I’m the leader of the Earth Guard I can operate a simple – (static, then off)

MF: Loser. Oh, Dude, I just realized, that sucks: your girlfriend is the Stallion. We’d better swap back soon or- Uhg! Ew, no! It would be me and the Stallion’s bodies doing it!

PB: Please! Worry not; never would I go there! Men’s bodies are as hideous to me as they apparently would seem to you.

MF: Well… good. Good. See, we can agree on things. We can get along. I like you, you like me. So, this seeming to be my last few minutes and all, what say you just let me slip off to the bathroom and-

PB: Sit! Stay! … (snicker) Good dog.

MF: (grumbly) Ha ha…

Go to Episode 5