Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Five
Episode 5 - Now You See Me

By Jordan D. White

Voodoo Lady

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Voodoo Lady and The Argus in "Now You See Me."

(Voodoo Lady and Broadband are in the Guard tower. Foal, too, is present, in her own invisible and unheard way.)

BB: So, she should be back up in working order. Once I… got the fleas cleaned off the unit, I spent the night taking the Brainframe apart, piece by piece, until she seemed to no longer be… “in need of repairs”. See?

VL: And it only took six months.

F: Oh, shove it, Claire. As you were saying, Bob.

BB: There are a few minor kinks in the software I need to massage out, but nothing major.

VL: What kind of… kinks?

F: Come on, notice the pattern, Bob, the pattern.

BB: Little things. The ‘history’ section of Argus’s profile keeps being erased and his birthday keeps being reset as last year; it lists Captain Fantasy as being captured in battle; and no matter how many times I enter it, she won’t list Suspiria as deceased.

F: Brainframe, status of villain ‘Suspiria’.

Brainframe: Suspiria is an active member of the Earth Guard.

VL: Uh, did it just say she’s-

BB: “At large,” yes. I type it and I type it, I delete the entire entry and recreate it from scratch, but every time, the Brainframe still says “Suspiria is at large.” I don’t understand it. Watch, I can change it again… (he types)

F: And… I can change it back… (she types)

BB: And look. Brainframe, status of villain ‘Suspiria’.

Brainframe: Suspiria is an active member of the Earth Guard.

BB: (Along with it) “Suspiria is at large.” I just don’t understand. You saw me change it yourself.

VL: Maybe it’s because Foal keeps changing the file.

BB & Foal: What?

Foal: You can see me?

BB: Foal’s dead, Claire, I don’t see how she could-

VL: Pft, relax! I was just kidding. You know, how Captain Fantasy always used to say he could see Foal?

F: Oh for Pete’s sake!

BB: Oh… well. I suppose you’re just not up to your usual witty-self today. Maybe being the Argus didn’t agree with you.

VL: Oh, come on! It’s funny! You know, like… if Foal was really here, like a ghost or something, you know? And none of us could see of hear her, but she kept doing things to get our attention, like altering the data on the Brainframe or… knocking over books?

BB: I’m sorry, I just… I don’t get the joke.

F: Voodoo Lady, what… what are you…

VL: Just picture it! She keeps coming up with more and more elaborate ways to tell us she’s alive, only to be frustrated over and over again? (laughs) It’s hilarious!

F: You… you bitch! What the hell is wrong with you? I saved your life!

BB: It’s not funny, Claire.

VL: (laughter dying) Ah well… I guess you had to be there.

(Argus enters the Guard tower)

A: No, no, Voodoo Lady… I think it’s funny, too. I think it’s absolutely hilarious.

F: Oh, no…. Oh, no, no, no…

BB: Argus! Ah, good to see you. I suppose that means my shift is up.

A: That it is! I’m sure you’ll want to get back to your corporation. Last time I looked, someone from R&D was waiting outside your office for you to return.

BB: That’s Bernstein! Damnit, I completely forgot! I’d better go. Goodbye, Claire, I hope you… feel… more normal.

VL: Bye! (Broadband leaves)

Foal: (Over all that) You know, don’t you? You know that I know about you… How did you find out? What did you do to Voodoo Lady? Answer me, God Damnit! This can’t be happening… this can’t-

(Broadband leaves)

Sus: Of course it can. And it is! Surprise.

F: How did you find me? Where… where did Voodoo Lady go?

Sus: One question at a time, Sweetie! Captain Fantasy told me about you.

F: But he’s-

Sus: An idiot, I know. He couldn’t tell if you were real, or just another one of his stupid dream world creations. Thankfully, I am not as addlebrained as the good Captain. When I finally dredged my way that far back into his memory I saw things clearly; you came back from an alternate future to arrange your own death, for some reason.

F: It was the only way to-

Sus: Oh, God, please, spare me! Do I look like I care? It doesn’t matter why, all that matters is that it left you stranded in a past you knew you couldn’t live in. So, you had him shroud you in dreams. My only question is, for someone who went to so much trouble to not change the past (angry) why are you trying so hard to poke your nose into MY BUSINESS?!? (She belts Foal across the face)

F: Ungh! (spits) You want a fight, Suspiria? You’ve got it! I haven’t let my training lapse just because I wasn’t fight crime!

Sus: I know! You look great! And I’d be scared, if you weren’t sealed up to the neck in block of concrete.

F: No! Uhn!

Sus: Answer the question dear, before I get tired and decide to drop you in a river, mm?

F: It’s… it’s past the point where I went back in time, now. The future is up for grabs. That’s why I came back to the tower.

Sus: Then why not just make your grand reappearance then? Why skulk around as a spectre?

F: None of your business!

Sus: Fine, I’ll just check your brain for the answers, and see what… Oh, that’s… that’s too much! (she laughs hysterically) The Stallion! The Stallion was-

F: Shut up!

Sus: (laughing) The Stallion was fat! (laughs more)

F: I said, Shut up! He wasn’t-

Stal: (really Suspiria) You take care of Gasmask, Foal, I’ll handle this peach cobbler. (Sus laughs)

F: He wasn’t fat, he was-

Sus: You’re the one who thought it! Oh, that is seriously precious! I wish I could have seen him with my own eyes, his little gut just edging over his harness, getting into trouble, and needing you to bail him out!

F: The Stallion doesn’t need my-

Stal: Foal! Attractor tricked me with a Hostess Twinkie! I need assistance! (Sus laughs)

F: When I get out of this block-

Sus: Oh… >sigh< thank you, Foal. Seriously. I haven’t laughed that hard since I gutted Voodoo Lady.

F: (angry) What did you do? What did you DO, Suspiria?!

Sus: Oh, didn’t you know? (chuckles) Once I swapped everyone’s minds and staged my own death,-

Argus: -that left the Argus and Voodoo Lady in each other’s heads for a while… which was the perfect opportunity-

VL: -to take your little friend Claire Sutton, aka Voodoo Lady, formerly know as Voodoo Child, and made a gravy out of her giblets. After that, I deep fried her wimp of a husband and stuffed him in the freezer. Wouldn’t want him to report her missing.

F: You- you’re not going to get away with this! The Earth Guard will catch on, and-

Sus: You’re forgetting something, Horse-Lass,-

Argus: I am the Earth Guard! Between the Argus-

VL: And Voodoo Lady-

Sus: I think I’ve got things covered! This team isn’t going to do diddly-squat.

Argus: Captain Fantasy is dealt with,-

VL: Jack’s been kicked to the curb,-

Sus: And the others are too concerned with their own problems to notice that anything’s amiss.

F: We’ll find a way. We always find a way.

Sus: “We!” You hear that?

A: She still considers herself part of the team!

VL: That’s cute. But let me ask you this: even if I wasn’t about to pull your brains out through your eye sockets-

Sus: Which I am-

VL: What makes you think you’d be able to do squat about it?

A: The shroud of dreams automatically distract anyone from noticing the things you do. Even I were going to leave you alive-

Sus: Which I won’t-

VL: You’d be completely helpless! (Sus, VL, and Argus all laugh)

F: No! I’ll never give up! Stallion will never let you win! He’ll never-

(Stallion enters the Guard tower)

Stal: All right, everyone, we- huh?

F: (breathing hard) Chuck! Thank God!

A: Stallion! Good to see you!

VL: yeah…. Hi.

Stal: That’s funny… I thought I saw… some sort of… concrete thing… well, obviously it was nothing. So… what was I saying?

F: (over them, still breathing hard) You can’t… do anything to me… with him in the room, can you? He’d see it. Or else it would take too much conentration. You might slip up.

A: I… don’t know… you were about to tell us what you’d come here for.

Stal: Right! We need to go over our annual budget report. Todd Larsen needs it by the end of the day, and I’ve been too busy dealing with the Allusionist to finish. I need an extra pair of hands or two.

VL: Oh, great, so we get to do your job for you now?

Stal: Unless you want to see the guard fall apart at the seams. It’s just for a few hours. And it’s only a few financial papers. It shouldn’t be much trouble. And I’m sure if any emergency comes up, we’ll get an extention. If we don’t finish on your shift, Argus and Peaseblossom can finish up.

F: (over them) I’m not going to let you get away with this. You hear me! (building in anger and volume) I am going to make certain that you are stopped! (shouting loudly) I am going to take you down, if it’s the last thing I ever do! YOU HEAR ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH! I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!

A: I’m sorry, um… what did you say?

Stal: You and Peaseblossom. She’s scheduled to replace Voodoo Lady. Here, Argus, you sort through these purchase orders; Voodoo Lady, take the payroll; I’ll start adjusting last years figures.

F: (over him) I’m leaving, and you can’t stop me. Next time we meet, it’ll be the last thing you ever see.

VL: And just where will you go?

Stal: I’ll just pull up a chair. There’s room at that table. I know it’s only paperwork, but it’s paperwork that’s vital to the functioning of the guard. Look at Argus; he doesn’t look upset. He knows this is something we need to do.

F: (over him) Wherever I need to. Wherever it takes. Trust me- you’ll know when I find it. Be seeing you, Argus. (she leaves)

Stall: Now come on- let’s get started.

Argus: This is going to be fun.

VL: Shut up.

Go to Episode 6