Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Decker & Hayes, Series Three
Episode 4 - All the Worse for Wear

By Elijah Joseph Weber-Han

Security Officer

Narrator: Parlor Town has many seedy parts but none as dangerous as The South Tip. From wanton to refuse any discharge of the lower extremities has found a home here. Tonight murder had decided to pay a visit.

Stella: (slightly raspy and trying to maintain control) Oh God… Marla.

Narrator: In The South Tip life is cheap; it’s to be expected, but this evening someone had chosen to be a little bit more… creative. Leaving a dead whore’s face painstakingly tacked to a mannequin’s head and then lovingly wrapping it in a box signed The Widow, Death had begun its rounds for the evening. As a former denizen of The South Tip Stella Decker was tougher than most women, even most men, but she was being faced with harrows that would try the hardest mettles. From her newly acquired paralysis, to the implacability of this current case, and now this heinous attack of debauched slaughter the stress was finally becoming too much. Slumping forward she released her pent up anxieties in a muffled sob. This was the only despair she would let the "girls" see.

Prostitute: (whispering) What she sad about, ain’t like she cares about us.

Narrator: With the quickness of a lioness homing in on her intended kill Tasha leapt at the mouthy streetwalker and slapped her to the ground.

Tasha: (very coldly) Don’t you ever talk about Stella like that again.

Prostitute: (flippantly) You stick up for that bitch? She don’t even take care of us! None of this woulda happen if Momma still been around.

Narrator: The girls of Mama Wang’s had been through a lot lately. From the problems with Smerdyakov’s goons to the death of their former eponymous patron fate had dealt them a cruel hand, but they had managed to hold it together. Now they were being confronted by something that even ones so jaded as they would term as an obscenity and it was causing them to crack. The only immediate remedy would be an injection of discipline- and Tasha just happened to be carrying a syringe.

(the sound of violent slapping and muffled yelps)

Macy: God Stella are you going to…

(Slapping continues in background)

Stella: That’s enough Tasha!

Tasha: But…

Stella: (more forceful now) I said that’s enough!

Tasha: (mousily) Yes ‘em.

Stella: Call me Mama.

Tasha: But…

Stella: (very coldly) Don’t make me tell you again.

Narrator: For a brief moment outside reality was annihilated and the whole of the universe comprised of Stella and Tasha; locked in visual combat. They shared an exchange that would only be cheapened by words, as if any could hope to convey the intensity of the moment being felt between them. Despite being crippled and confined to a wheelchair and despite the harrowing events of late, Stella Decker was a woman made of steel and bone; Tasha, the would be madam, was not. Whatever hopes the unrequited lover might have held were now obliterated. Clearly now the only relationship that existed between Stella and Tasha was that of employee and Boss. (special emphasis on the word boss)

Tasha: (sullenly) Yes, Mama.

Macy: (worried tone) Stella, are you…?

Stella: Let me handle this, Macy. (louder speaking to all the girls) Alright girls, this is how it is going to be. I know I haven’t been there for you and because of that everything that has happened until now is on my shoulders; that’s okay. I may not be able to walk but I can still carry a heavy load. What you girls need is a mama and like it or not I’m her. I know I haven’t been acting like it lately but that is going to change. No one but no one is going to be icing Mama Decker’s-

Narrator: Before Stella could finish what would no doubt be a heart warming speech a rude interruption occurred in the form of the outer doors being kicked in. In no time that the girls, or even Decker and Hayes, could hope to react the room was filled with gun barrels and blue.

Macy: It’s a raid!

Tasha: (with a distinctly more servile tone to her voice) That can’t be, we’re paid up until next month.

Bopko: (throaty laughter) See, what I love about the law is that no matter whose palm you grease, it’s still the law.

Narrator: Like a much anticipated serial villain Detective Sergeant Wallace Clifford Bopko sauntered into the room. Of all the cops who could have been leading this charge Bopko was most certainly the worst possible choice. Whoever had placed him here clearly had no compunctions regarding due process. Unfortunately the irony of Bopko’s declaration was only grasped by the lipstick detectives.

Stella: Bopko, since when do gorillas lead raids?

Bopko: I don’t know since when do dykes ask stupid questions? Oh yeah that’s right. (laughs)

Macy: Clamp it Bopko! We haven’t done anything wrong so Stella and I will be leaving if you don’t mind.

Bopko: Actually, bitch, I do mind. You probably don’t know this but this doohickey right here means that I am a sergeant and that means I am in charge here.

Macy: I guess they will give anyone who can shoot a gun rank in Parlor Town

Bopko: Look bitch, I may not hate you as much as your roller derby buddy over there but I can keep you two carpet munchers as long as I like on grounds of suspicion. (special emphasis on suspicion).

Stella: Just because I’m in this chair don’t think I can’t still kick your…

Cop: Detective? I think you should take a look at this.

Bopko: Well well well. (laughs) Oh boy somebody pinch me it must be my birthday. Man-o-man I shoulda played lotto tonight. (laughs)

Stella: Stuff it, Bopko!

Bopko: No, bitch, you’re going to be the one who stuffs it in Babylon. (laughs) When we got this tip the best I thought I could get you dykes on was racketeering but this… this almost makes up for that shiner you gave me "Wheels".

Narrator: Bopko’s hand instinctively went up to his left eye as his Neanderthal brain relived one of the more emasculating moments of colorful career. Before the reverie could overtake him he snapped back and cleared a path to the decorative remains of Marla.

Bopko: What did I tell ya? I’d getcha. Even I’m surprised I gotcha both though. Oh man I can’t tell you how much satisfaction this gives me. I have dreamed about saying this: cuff ‘em, Danno.

Macy: You can’t do this! We know our rights!

Bopko: Don’tcha get it bitch? Ya ain’t got no rights! Take ‘em downtown boys; separately. I don’t want no lover’s trysts going on in my squad cars.

Stella: Hey, Grapeape, you mind telling us what we’re being charged with?

Bopko: Wow, you ladies really are dumb- all that tuna must go straight to your brain. What do you think "Trackstar"? Suspicion of Murder. (to cops) Get ‘em out of here!

Narrator: With that Stella and Macy were "escorted" out of the former Mama Wang’s to their awaiting rides; a matching set of black and whites. The ride downtown was too hurried to be memorable. Once at the station the Private Eye Paramours managed to sneak a brief glance and quick touch but that was all. Macy was taken down into lockup while Stella was taken someplace decidedly less scenic: The Pit, Parlor Town’s most infamous interrogation room. This is where the real hard cases were taken. To date no one had left The Pit without signing a full confession, at least no one still living. The cop wheeled Stella in and positioned on the far side of the interrogation table, padlocked her wheels and then headed to the door to stand guard outside.

Stella: This bites, if only I could have made one well placed kick. That’s all I would have needed to really put a smile on Bopko’s face. What the!?!

Narrator: Without warning the interrogation room went black and Stella could see no light filtering in under the closed door.

Stella: What’s the matter? You guys forget to pay your electric or what?

Narrator: As if in answer to her scornful question The Pit door opened and someone walked in closing the door behind them.

Stella: Trying to scare me, Bopko? Well, it ain’t going to work; I’ve left pieces of guys bigger than you in the commode!

The Voice: (click) Nobody likes a nosey ninny especially when the ninny is a precocious pair of prying private eyes.

Stella: Get bent!

Narrator: The voice carried on seemingly oblivious to Stella’s polite recommendation.

The Voice: The Mayor’s mishaps are not your concern, Stella Decker. Don’t let the tragedy of Marla happen to Macy. (with spite) Quit the case or else! (same tone as before) The widow sends her regards. (click)

Narrator: With that a pistol butt crashed down on Stella’s head sending her off into the land of dreams but they were to be short lived and unpleasant. Stella was roused back to consciousness by water splashing on her face. Her bleary eyes were greeted by the sight of Detective Sergeant Bopko towering over her with an empty glass in his hand.

Bopko: What’s the matter "Legs", ya can’t walk no more so that means ya can’t sit either?

Stella: I don’t need anything extra to get you where it counts!

Narrator: Stella buried her handcuffed fists in Bopko’s crotch causing him to double over. Any victory this may have won, however, was short-lived. Almost immediately Bopko stood up and started laughing.

Bopko: (laughing) Same old Stella. See I thought you might try a stunt like that so I thought I’d get me a little protection. Put on my old baseball cup from days in the Police leagues.

Stella: The idea of you running bases is just too funny. (laughs)

Bopko: Yeah, laugh it up. See, I like a good joke. In fact, I even brought you a little present. Thought you might want to call someone- due process, and all.

Narrator: The throwback brandished a rolled up phonebook that had been shoved in the back of his pants. Back when Bopko was a beat cop he earned the nickname of Mr. Delicate for his ability to work a suspect over and not leave a single mark. Now, The Detective Squad was putting those skills to good use. He sat Stella back up in her chair and beat her across the face with the phonebook. Then, he hit her in the chest with it, and then the arm. (beating noises)

Stella: You forget how to ask questions?

Bopko: This ain’t an interrogation, bitch! I’m gonna have some fun with you then like a good little girl you’re gonna sign this confession. See, we’re gonna have some fun.

Narrator: Bopko unzipped his pants.

Stella: Bopko, I have to thank you this is the first time I’ve been glad to be paralyzed-not that I would feel anything anyways.

Bopko: Oh, you are gonna feel something, I guarantee it.

Sterns: That’s enough, Detective!

Narrator: Unbeknownst to either Bopko or Stella, Captain of Detectives Henry Sterns had entered the room. Unfortunately, Sterns had a reputation worse than Bopko’s- the only way a cop can pick up rank in Parlor Town is to be hard, mean, and dirty.

Bopko: What’s going on Captain? I’m trying to interrogate this suspect.

Sterns: No doubt doing a fine job of it too, but the two private sluts are to be released immediately Commissioner Nichols orders. Apparently they are doing some favor for the mayor. Now clean her up and get her topside.

Bopko: What? Captain-

Sterns: Detective, shut up and get that filth out of here!

Bopko: Yes, sir.

Stella: Don’t forget your fly, Bopko. I’d hate it to get cold and become even smaller.

Bopko: (Angry muttering.)

Narrator: Stella Decker was brought to the top floor of the station in a decidedly different manner than the one that took her to the basement. As the elevator door opened a familiar face greeted her.

Macy: Stella!

Narrator: Stella wheeled out the elevator and right into Macy’s arms. She pulled Macy down into a passionate kiss that could have lasted a lifetime if it did not attract the jeers of Parlor Town’s finest.

Macy: What was that for?

Stella: Can’t I just be happy to see you girl?

Macy: If it means that then yes.

Bopko: You "ladies" gonna treat us to a triple X show all day or you gonna getcher stuff and answer the phone call that’s been waitin on ya?

Stella: We’re on it lame brain. Baby can you…?

Macy: Sure thing, honey- you see who’s calling us.

Stella: Thanks, baby.

Narrator: Stella wheeled over and grabbed the phone the surly cop had indicated.

Stella: This is Stella Decker.

Mayor Glass: (on phone) Miss Decker I am so glad to hear your voice. I hope you and Miss Hayes weren’t treated too harshly. I really must apologize for this misunderstanding.

Stella: Mr. Mayor, I hope you don’t mind me asking this but how did you know we had been picked up?

Glass: I hope you can forgive me, but I have done something slightly dishonest. After I received the second package form our friend, I was fearful that Miss Hayes and you might be in danger so I have been having my security people keep an eye on you. In fact they have a car waiting for you both outside right now; it will take you both wherever you want.

Stella: Mr. Mayor, not that we don’t appreciate what you have done for us tonight… but don’t pull a stunt like that again. If Macy and I are going to take care of your problem we can’t have you keeping secrets from us.

Glass: I fully understand that and it is due to this understanding that I am being so forthright with you now. I swear to you that I have not kept anything else from you. I only did this because I feared for Miss Hayes and you.

Stella: No disrespect, but it’s a bit late. Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Glass: Of course. I have an opening at 3:00. Would it be a problem if we met at your office due to the compromised nature of mine?

Stella: Sounds like a date, sir. We’ll see you tomorrow at 3:00. Goodnight, Mr. Mayor.

Glass: Goodnight, Miss Decker.

Narrator: While Stella was talking to Mayor Glass, Macy had retrieved the duos personal possessions and returned to the side of lover. She filled Macy in on what Glass had told her and Mace handed her back her .357 Magnum and shoulder holster. Macy pushed Stella to the double doors past Sergeant Bopko, who decided he would get a parting shot.

Bopko: I’m watching you two. We ain’t through yet so don’t go leaving town, racing stripes.

Macy: Bopko, You bother her again and I will personally change your gender! Let’s go honey.

Narrator: Macy wheeled her partner past the slack jawed detective and through the double doors. Outside a black car was waiting with the engine running. Behind it was standing the Security Officer that had accompanied Mayor Glass Earlier.

Security: Ah, Miss Decker, good to see you, and you must be Miss Hayes, a pleasure. Mayor Glass has instructed me to accompany you two wherever you wish to go. Right this way, ladies.

Narrator: For a second, time seemed to slow down as Macy’s CIA training tipped her off to what was happening; an ambush. Out of the darkness a masked figure clad in black and wielding a machete leapt at the two women. What happened next was pure instinct. Macy shoved Stella forward, out of the way, and went for her gun. She was too slow. Stella’s wheelchair hit the side of the car, knocking her forward but not out of it. She spun around in time to see Macy go down and the attacker’s machete dripping with blood. Stella pulled out the .357 Magnum as the masked figure turned to face her. Cocking the gun, she unloaded all six rounds straight into the attacker’s chest. The doors to the station exploded as Bopko and a number of uniformed cops stampeded through.

Bopko: What the hell is going on out here?

Stella: Some creep attacked us and I… oh, God I think he got Macy!

Macy: It’s okay honey he just got me in the arm. I don’t think he was trying to kill me I he was just trying to take me out.

Stella: I don’t care! Nobody messes with my girl and lives.

Bopko: I don’t believe this; it’s a dame. One of your ex’s coming to pay a call, high-chair?

Narrator: Ignoring the rude comments the two moved in see what woman would dare to do them in; when a shocking discovery was made.

Macy: I don’t believe it…that’s Janet Shtier, they had a picture in her file.

Narrator: The only suspected identity of The Widow is gunned down. What does this mean? Was the Mayor being honest in his reason for having Decker and Hayes followed? Tune into the next exciting episode of Decker and Hayes: The Torture Never Stops.

Go to Episode 5