Buck & Jane
A Death in the Family
Decker & Hayes
Epic Echoes
The Great Muppet Debate
Guard Duty
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Stage Blood



Guard Duty, Series Five
Episode 11 - Finally

By Jordan D. White

Argus Panoptes
Voodoo Lady
The Jack
Dr. Fast
Mr. Fahrenheit
Binary Girl
Captain Fantasy

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: The Stallion and The Argus in “Finally.”

(The Stallion is in the tower, in the thrall of Suspiria. She has been torturing him for fun.)

Sus: … which sent Broadband running for the hills, finally and utterly dismantling the Guard. You have to admit, I did a nice job of it! Very systematic.

Stal: (Screams as she hurts him) … It won’t do any good… Even separately, each member of the guard… will continue to fight crime… and put a stop to villains like- (screams)

Sus: Do you think I’m stupid? I know that. I’m not done with you lot yet.

Argus: Now that I’m a trusted friend of the planet’s most powerful heroes non-united, I can set about destroying them all, one-by-one. Starting with everyone’s favourite horse-shoe detective- (Stallion screams in pain)

Sus: And proceeding through every one of you little do-gooders. Together, you were formidable opponents. Alone…

Voodoo: Let’s just say I’m not too worried. If I can take out Voodoo Lady, a woman who can call upon the powers of the various loa for Christ’s sake, I don’t think I’ll have much trouble with the rest of you pathetic losers.

Stal: So, Claire’s… Claire’s really dead?

Sus: I would lie about it why exactly? Yes, of course she’s dead.

Stal: Just keeping track… of all the crimes you’ll have to pay for. (Screams)

Sus: Idiot! You and all your lying, hypocrite ‘hero’ friends are the ones who are going to pay! At least I’m honest about who I am! I live for myself, I do what I want! I hurt people because I want to! Because I can! Because… because it makes me feel good. You people… you pretend you’re doing what’s “right”.

Stal: We do-

A: I’ve been one of you, remember? I’ve seen you behind closed doors. I know who you really are. The mask is off, and the truth is-

Sus: -you’re no better than the Vengeance Squad was. You let your petty little personalities get in the way of your ‘great big moral goals’! I didn’t create the problems in the Earth Guard, I just exploited them.

Stal: So do it.

Sus: Hm?

Stal: Kill me. Do your worst.

Sus: Don’t flatter yourself. My worst is reserved for little Captain ‘Howard’ Fantasy after the rest of you have been dispatched. I mean, don’t get me wrong- I am going to kill you. But it’s not going to be a remarkable death. It’s not going to be a glorious death. I’ll probably just pick an organ and yank it our. After that, your life will sputter out slow like the helium from a three-day-old birthday balloon. Oh, and by the way, happy belated! (Stallion Screams) Oh, I just love this!

Stal: It doesn’t matter. … It doesn’t matter if I die.

Sus: True, I suppose you are the weakest member of the Guard, aren’t you? No powers, no-

Stal: It doesn’t matter… if you kill us all. There will always… always be someone who cares more about doing right… than taking all they can. And they will stop you.

Sus: Oh, please! The Earth Guard is-

Stal: You’re right. We’re just as human as the Vengeance Squad. We’re selfish, we’re egotistical, we’re… we’re flawed. We don’t claim to be heroes because we think we’re perfect. We’re heroes because we try to do what’s right in spite of those flaws. We try to rise above ourselves. You… wallow in your own filth. Sure, we’re both human… but make no mistake. We are better than you, and we always will be. No matter how many of us you kill.

Sus: Oh, that was stirring! I wonder if it made me change my mind? (Stallion screams) No, I guess not! Ah well, just about time to finish you off… but first, while I’ve got you tied down and all, there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to-

(The Jack bursts into the tower!)

Jack: Give it up, Suspiria! Or should I say… Mr. Panoptes? (he throws bouncyballs) You can’t beat the Earth Guard!

Sus: The Jack? But you’re not on the- ow! Stop that, get your balls out of my-

Jack: Not a chance! How about a nice pair of knockout balls!

Sus: And how would you like- (gas sound) how would… you… how… uhn… (falls unconscious)

Stal: Jack! Quick! Let’s get her in a cell before she comes to! How… how did you know Argus-

Jack: It was Foal! She told me that-

(Alarm sounds)

DF: (on comm) Dr. Fast to Stallion! Come in Stallion!

Stal: Stallion here. Go ahead, Doctor.

DF: (on comm) Bumblebee and I have been continuing our investigation, and-

Bee: (on comm) It’s Argus! He’s actually-

Stal: Suspiria. We know. Jack just saved my life.

DF: (on comm) Jack?

Jack: Howdy, Doc! But we need your help! Can you use that, … ‘remote teleport lock’ thing you were working on to get the Guard up here?

DF: (on comm) Of course.

Jack: Great! And don’t forget Captain Fantasy he’s in … ‘the basement of 224 Thompson Road’ in- (Fast Whooshes into the room)

DF: Not necessary. I took the liberty of implanting compact teleport anchors subcutaneally in all the members of the Guard months ago.

Bee: (small and growing) Your lab coat pocket is just so snuggly!

Stal: You did what?!?

DF: It was just a precautionary measure. In case they were ever captured. Obviously, it was the right choice.

Stal: Doctor, that’s not the- >sigh< we’ll discuss this later. For now, Jack, you said something about Foal?

Jack: She’s alive.

Stal: What?

Jack: We need Captain Fantasy. He can fix this.

Stal: Doctor Fast… get me the Earth Guard.

DF: With Pleasure. Although… Do you want me to pull Mr. Fahrenheit out of his interview?

Stal: What do you- Oh, for Pete’s sake. Brainframe, sound up, monitor three.

Newsman: (on TV) …understand there’s something you wanted to say today.

MF: (on TV) Well, yeah. I wanted to say something to the Earth Guard. I’m… I’m sorry. I know we’ve had some problems, but really, when it all comes down, we’re all in this to fight the bad guys, not for money or fame, right? I say we put past disagreements behind and… get back to doing what we do best- putting the hurt on the scum of the Earth, am I right? That being said, until I get a response form the Guard, you can keep up with my appearances at, and join my mailing list to be…

Stal: Sound down! No, I don’t think… I don’t think we’ll be needing Mr. Fahrenheit just now. We can decide what to do about him later. But we’ll take anyone else you can find.

DF: That would be Binary Girl, Broadband, and Captain Fantasy. No lock on Peaseblossom or Voodoo Lady.

Stal: Do it.

(Binary Girl, Broadband, and Captain Fantasy are teleported into the Guard tower.)

BG: (split) Hey, what th- What’s going on here?

BB: The Guard Tower? What’s the meaning of- Oh my God, Captain Fantasy! Are you all right?

CF: (he is very weak. Very.) The Earth Guard? … I can’t… I can’t be dreaming… I don’t dream…

Jack: Captain! Are you OK? Can you understand me?

CF: (weak) I… I don’t think I want to live in the real world any more…

Jack: You and me both, buddy. Difference is, you don’t have to. You have to reconnect with the world of dreams! It’s the only thing that can save you. Can you do that?

CF: (weak) But Argus said-

Stal: Argus wasn’t actually your friend. He was really Suspiria.

CF: (weak) I was wondering what that was about… the world of dreams… I can almost remember… (growing stronger as he goes) I can almost see it… I just reach out my mind… and let the dreams- oh my… I can… I can see them! I can see the world of dreams! I can see… Foal!

Jack: Yes! Foal! You shrouded her in the veil of twilight, Captain, remember? And now she needs you to bring her out!

CF: I remember that! All right, but… she said to never-

Foal: I know what I said. Things change.

Stal: Tanya! You’re alive!

Foal: You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to hear someone say that.

BB: But… how?

Foal: It’s… kind of a long story. Suffice to say, it involves time travel. I had the Captain here enshroud me to keep myself from interfering in ‘the past’. He was the only one who could see me. Problem was, once he was gone, there was nothing I could do to warn you about Suspiria. The veil kept anyone from noticing me or anything I did by basically distracting you all from my presence.

Sus: So how did you get through to Jack?

Foal: I spelled it out in his Scrabble tiles. Apparently, Jack was able to catch bits of my doings because, much like Tangent’s powers, it’s less effective on someone with-

Jack: We really don’t need to dwell on this part of the story. The point is, Suspiria’s the reason the Guard has been falling apart lately! She killed Golden Eel, killed Voodoo Lady, and set about breaking the Guard into-

BB: Claire- Claire’s dead?

Stal: It’s true. Apparently since just after the ‘mind-switch’ incident.

BB: That monster!

Stal: But what isn’t true is that she was the only reason the Guard broke apart. Yes, she was manipulating us- playing on our insecurities, running up tension… but I’m certainly not blameless. Bob, Irving… Susie. I’m sorry. I hope… well, I hope you’ll believe me when I say I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and can promise that… if you’ll come back to the Guard, things will be better. I think we can work together to make it that way.

BB: Chuck… I’ll be there. You know I love the Guard. I would have been back by the end of the week either way.

Bee: Of course I’ll join back up! I’ve wanted to be a member of the Guard since I was just a little kid! Leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do… and I didn’t even know for sure if I wanted to do it then! If Suspiria was manipulating us… there’s no question at all! To quit now means Suspiria wins!

DF: I’m with Bumblebee. Um, if that’s all right with you… ?

Bee: Of course, cutie!

Stal: And Jack… I hope you’d be willing to-

Jack: Say no more, Stallion! I’m with you for good… so long as we don’t strike again.

CF: I know I’m sure in! I haven’t felt this good since… Since I left the world of dreams last year! What was I thinking? Why would I ever want to be a normal human being? Being normal… totally sucks!

Stal: To be fair, most human beings don’t spend their lives tied to a bed being tortured daily by a being who gets off on their pain.

Jack: That’s actually pretty close to my life.

Foal: Me too, last few years.

Stal: And you’ll join us, too, Tanya?

Foal: I feel like I already have- I’ve been living on the tower for the last year or so. It’ll be nice to be here with people who can see me.

BG: (both) Well, that’s nice for you… (re-merge) but Peaseblossom is still missing. Probably… probably dead. I can’t come back to the Guard when she’s-

CF: Why… would you think Peaseblossom is dead?

BG: Because, if she’s gone back to fairy, they’ll kill her! She was exiled from-

Foal: Actually… she wasn’t. Exiled, I mean. Not anymore.

BG: What?

Foal: A few months ago, they sent her word. Queen Titania is out of power and Lord Oberon summoned her back to take her rightful place in the court.

BG: (split) What? But why… why didn’t she go?

Foal: From what I could gather… she… wanted to stay with you.

BG: (both) She… she…

Stal: We’ve got to find her. Suspiria tricked her, pretended to be Bumblebee, made her thing Barbara was cheating on her and that we all judged her.

BG:(both) But we can’t! There’s no way for a human being to enter the Fairy realm!

Jack: We can’t just give up on her! She’s our friend!

CF: But she certainly looks great in that gown.

BG:(both) What?

Foal: What do you mean?

CF: The color looks good on her. Very flattering.

BB: What do you mean “looks”?

CF: I can see her. I can see Fairy. It’s related to the dream world. Did I never mention that? I thought I would have. It’s really pretty.

BG: (both) Can you take us there?

CF: I guess. Why, do you want to go?

BB: Oh, my God, the boy will never change…

BG: (both) Yes, we want to go there!! We’ve got to get her back! I love her!

Bee: Aw, that’s so romantic! Don’t you think so, Irv?

DF: I could probably run to fairy. If it existed.

Stal: All right, Gather together everyone! We’re going to Fairy. We’ve got a member of the Earth Guard to find. Ready Captain?

CF: Ready when you are.

Stal: We’re on the job.

The End