Characters:
Narrator
Mr. Fahrenheit
Broadband
Foal
Brainframe

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Broadband and Mr. Fahrenheit in "Stranded in the Clouds."

(Mr. Fahrenheit and Foal are in the Guard Tower. MF is composing a press release.)

MF: (typing) "... where the astounding heroes, the Earth Guard... " Hmmm, no.

F: Don't stop now! It's a masterpiece of subtlety! It could not be better crafted.

MF: (sound of deleting, then, typing) "the stupendous Earth Guard..."

F: I stand corrected.

MF: (typing) "took down the wicked Sysops... in the midst... of their devious plans..."

F: To drink coffee. Devious!

MF: (typing) "To enslave... man... kind." Ok. Now, the fun part. "As the Official Earth Guard Press Secretary... it is my solemn duty to inform you..."

F: "That our team has been compromised."

MF: (typing) "that while in Earth Guard custody... awaiting transfer... the villain Dragon Drop..." Hmm...

F: "Was murdered by a psychopathic villain who infiltrated the Earth guard masquerading as a hero."

MF: (trying out phrases) "... kicked it.... Snuffed it... Bought the farm... Became... deceased... became, became... dead... killed. Killed." (typing) "Became... killed."

F: "By Suspiria." Hear me? SUS-PI-RI-A! The Argus is Suspiria! Are you even listening? Please, just hear me this once, you giant douche bag! THE ARGUS IS SUSPIRIA! SHE'S INFILTRATED THE GUARD!

MF: (not hearing her, typing as she rants) "While we realize... his death was possibly... beneficial to society... the Earth Guard would like to... extend... apologies for breaching... its strict 'No Murder of Bad Guys' policy. Thank you... Mister Fahrenheit out..." Bam, got that bitch done, one draft. Brainframe, spell check.

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

F: (along with it) "I am in need of repairs." Duh.

MF: God Damnit! (comm) Mr. Fahrenheit to Broadband, what the hell, man?

BB: (on comm) I'm sorry, I'm just running a little late. I'm almost there, I swear!

MF: Chop chop, man, I've got a press conference to hold! You know I've been alone on Guard Duty for like a half-hour, right?

F: Not exactly "alone".

BB: I know, and I said, I'm sorry, I've been dealing with some... personal business, but I'll-

MF: Personal business? You don't see me up here calling people, trying to get my album released on another label do you? No, I do that in my spare time. It's called being professional, maybe you should google it.

F: (over him) Blah, blah, blah... Oh, like you know anything about professionalism, you nitwit. (scoff) Google yourself. No, wait, I'm sure you do, egomaniac.

BB: Look, I'm heading for the teleporter now, all right? I'll be up in ten seconds.

MF: You'd better be. Mr. Fahrenheit out. (comm off) God, what a jerk.

F: All right, that's it- (she makes a book fall on MF's head)

MF: Ow! What the Hell! That's a brand new shelf!

F: Sigh... If only we kept heavier books around.

(Broadband enters)

BB: See? I'm here. I told you I was on my way, and here I am. Now, what's the emergency?

MF: Spell check isn't working on the Brainframe.

F: He's an idiot, Bob. He was an idiot when I died; he's still an idiot. This isn't news.

BB: ... I'm sorry, what?

MF: The Brainframe? You know, the giant computer thing with the big villain database and all the crime fighting stuff in it?

BB: Which you want to use for a spell check? You know, I could bring you a dictionary...

F: Oo, I know just the shelf to keep it on.

MF: I don't need a dictionary! My mind is a dictionary! That's not the point! The point is that the Brainframe is supposed to assist us in our duties as the planet's most powerful heroes and it can't even proofread a text file properly!

BB: Some of us have other jobs outside of the Earth Guard, you know. I'm the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation. Sometimes that takes up my time.

MF: Oh, boo hoo. Everybody is busy. Fact is, you've got exactly one job on the Earth Guard, and that's maintain and fund the Guard Tower and all our equipment and technology. As press secretary, I not only have to call and give press conferences, I have to write my own speeches, do all of that, you know, spin doctoring stuff, and take questions from the press. Do you see me sleeping on the job? Dragon Drop dies last night, last night, and already here I am, speech in hand, with the press corps gathering at our DC office. Do you want to go down there and face them? Do you want to tell them why the Earth Guard let a prisoner in our care die? Because if you just say the word, we can trade places. You can face the music, so to speak, out in public, bear the brunt of the public eye on your back like the weight of the world on the world carrying guy, and I'll sit at home and play with my remote control toys. How's that sound?

F: Oh please! And you'll start paying for the Guard, will you? We're a little more expensive than a pack of brewskis, right, Bob? ... Bob?

MF: Broadband? ... Broadband, I'm talking to you! ... Hello?! ... Are you there? ... Did I... Did I give you a heart attack?

F: Not a chance. He can take more than that. Believe me.

MF: ...uh...

(awkward pause)

BB: Hi, sorry about that, I had to run to the bathroom for a second. Did I miss anything?

(Foal laughs)

MF: What? All right, that is IT! I'm tired of not getting any respect around here! I'm the Official Press Secretary of the Earth Guard, god Damnit! I don't like being treated like some bone-headed nitwit!

F: Well, then you should-

MF: And don't even say a word to that, thank you very much!

BB: I just needed to-

MF: No! You walked out on me in the middle of me talking as if what I had to say didn't matter! Well, you know what? What I have to say does matter, so maybe I'll just leave you alone with your broken computer there, and talk to someone who cares. You may have heard of them: the American public.

BB: Elijah, I-

MF: No! You blew it, Bob. You've crossed me for the last time. You have anything to say to me, you can go through my agent.

BB: I thought your agent dumped you when you-

MF: Then I guess you'll have to wait until I get a new one, won't you? And don't think Stallion isn't going to hear about this. I've got a press conference to give. (He leaves the tower)

F: Well, that was... awkward.

BB: (sighing laugh) They always fall for the old bathroom gag.

F: (laughingish) Oh, you are a bastard, Bob! (sadder)... I've missed you.

BB: Just you and me again, eh, unit? Maybe we should work on the old Brainframe. (he begins working on the BF, but then:) Whoop- spoke too soon, I should take this. Hello? ... Yes, that's what I said. ... Just make it happen, we'll work it out. ... Have them, call me, all right?.... Great. ... There we go. (he gets back to work)

F: (she begins talking to herself over him on the phone) Oh, God, Bob, if someone doesn't hear me soon, I am going to go crazy! I'll just have to... (loud aggravated scream, then a pause, breathing hard) Ok, let me just think about this. There has to be something I can do. Obviously, no one can see or hear me, since I had Captain Fantasy shroud me in dreams when I went back in time. Well, no, not exactly true, Captain Fantasy can see and hear me, but he's chained to Suspiria's bed being tortured.

BB: Aw, who put... Who put gum in here?

F: I wrote something on a piece of paper, Voodoo Lady saw it blank. I tried spelling words out in spilled pretzels, no one noticed, Dr. Fast cleaned them up. I could try... an email? But they'd probably just delete it as spam. Come on, there has to be something! Villains have defeated Captain Fantasy before, there has to be something that can break one of his dream-spells. Brainframe, list all villains who've beaten Captain Fantasy.

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

BB: What? Now, why did you say that, girl?

F: You heard that? He heard that! He heard the Brainframe talking to me. Brainframe, bring up keypad interface and activate vocal control.

Brainframe: Activating.

BB: Activating what? You really are in need of repairs.

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

BB: I know, I'm working on it, girl, I'm working on it.

F: Here goes nothing. (she begins typing, to make the BF talk)

Brainframe: Broadband.

BB: Oh, for- (stops working) Hello?

F: Oh, thank God! It's working!

Brainframe: The Argus is really Suspiria.

BB: What? How is that possible?

Brainframe: She created him as a means to infiltrate the Guard. She killed Dragon Drop and Lady Luna and orchestrated the death of Gasmask and now she has Captain Fantasy prisoner and is torturing-

BB: That's outrageous! I won't stand for it!

F: That's my Bob!

Brainframe: We can stop him, if we tell the Earth Guard about-

BB: Who am I speaking to?

Brainframe: This is Foal. I am not dead, I had Captain Fantasy Enshroud me in dreams so I could not interfere with the past, but now I've been attempting to-

BB: Well, I don't care what the board of directors says, the other Balleski child is getting a full scholarship as well.

F: What?

BB: So make it not look like it's fixed! Set up another dummy corporation and offer a new scholarship through that if you have to, but this child is getting a free ride at the school of his choice if you have to slip it to him in twenties under a truck-stop table!

F: No. No, no no no no, you heard me. You heard me, Bob!

BB: That's completely unacceptable. No.

F: God Damnit! (she slams her fist into the Brainframe)

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

BB: Then you go right back and you try again, if you want to keep working for me. Call me back when you've got something worth me hearing!

F: Oh, Bob... I need you. I really need you.

BB: Sorry, girl, I had to take that. Now, let's see what... hang on, how did that monitor get cracked? That wasn't there before... Huh. Must've been, though, no one's around. Odd. I'm usually so observant.

F: (cries softly).