Buck’s room. Jane and Buck are in the bed. Jane is masturbating Buck.

Jane:
We shouldn’t be doing this…

Buck:
I can handle four in one night.

Jane:
No, I mean John.

Buck:
Fuck him.

Jane:
It’s not that easy, I can’t just leave John, I love him…

Buck:
No, I mean fuck him. He’s a little nancy boy, you show him a little pussy, he’ll shut up. Mark my words.

Jane:
Do you love me?

Buck:
What kind of a stupid question is that?

Jane:
Do you?

Buck:
What do you think?

Jane:
Tell me?

Buck:
Make me.

Jane slips down and starts giving him head.

Jane (mouth full):
Do you?

Buck:
Oh yeah…

Jane:
Why don’t we-

Buck shoves her head back down, cutting her off. He holds her head in place, bobbing her up and down.

Buck:
So, wanna fuck again?

Jane:
Sure!

They start having sex. They do it for a while, Jane making noises of thrill.

Buck:
Hold on a second… let me just…

He sifts them around, thrusting her face into the pillow, getting behind her so they’re doing it doggy style. He starts them up again, keeping his left hand on her upper back, pushing down on her as he grinds in; she starts making noises but different ones from before. He reaches over and grabs a beer. Drinks the entire thing, throws the can away. He picks his nose, inspects his finger for a moment, eats it. She stops making the noises.He grabs the bowl of pretzels from the table, puts it on Jane’s back, eats as he fucks her. He has an idea, grabs the mini tape recorder from the table.

Buck (mouth full):
When e’er my dick is feeling shunned
I call up Jane and fuck her cunt
I shoot a load inside her twat
And hope she doesn’t have a tot
She gives the most sublime blowjobs
And once my cock revives and throbs
Her legs and lips wide open spread
Enveloping my shaft and head
Then after four or five more humps
She sees the time and up she jumps
And topping off a perfect night

Buck orgasms loudly, spilling the pretzels all over the bed.

Buck:
The dumb bitch gets out of my sight.

He is worn out, spent. He clicks off the recorder and rolls over, chuckling.

Buck:
Well, how do you like my newest poem? I call it "Why I Fuck Someone I Don’t Give Two Shits About." Is that too long of a title? How about "Fuck No I Don’t Love You?" Or maybe just "Fuck You." Or "Fuck Me." What do you think?

Jane does not respond or move.

Buck:
Hello? Janie? What the hell…

He shakes her and she doesn’t answer. He smacks her ass. Nothing.

Buck:
Fuck, are you dead?

Nothing.

Buck:
She is. Shit. You stupid bitch. Alright, Let’s go, I’ll leave you out in front of Johnny’s room. His girlfriend, his mess.

He picks her up, and his semen leaks out of her onto the floor.

Buck:
Oh… fucking gross… let's go, baby, just going for a little walk.

He carries her out of the room, dropping pretzels all the way.

Buck (offstage):
Her clothes. Ok, Janie you… huff! You just wait here at the top of the stairs near Johnny’s door while I-

Many thudding sounds, a sound like, for example, a body falling down multiple flights of stairs.

Buck (offstage):
Ok, you just wait there at the bottom of the stairs while I grab your clothes.

He comes running back in, grabbing her clothes from various places all around the room, slips in his own semen, falls on his ass. Thumping from below.

Voice (from below):
Will you cut that out! You two have been going at it all night!

Buck:
Nope, no two up here, just me, old Buck! I’ve been alone all night; I just can’t stop jacking off! (He tries to sound like a girl) Oh! Oh! Oh!! I just sound that way when I’m, you know, so fucking horny! Oh! Oh!

Voice:
Just shut the hell up already?

Buck grabs the clothes and runs out the door, we hear footsteps run down the stairs. Silence for a moment as he puts her clothes in her arms.

Buck(offstage)::
Jesus Christ, she’s left a trail of pretzels!

Footsteps slowly coming up the stairs, one step at a time. Silence for a moment. Buck enters the room on his hands and knees eating every pretzel that has fallen from her body. He continues to do so, until he accidentally eats one with the cum all over it, realizes what he has done and spits a whole mouthful out onto the floor. He grabs the half-chewed foodstuffs as well as the rest of the pretzels by the handful and throws them out the window. Once he has finished that, he wipes up the semen, runs out the door, goes halfway down, stops. Pause. He walks back up. Enters the room, grabs the recorder, clicks it on.

Buck:
Thank God for Jane, and for her ass
Which sometimes shits and passes gas
But clearly meant, by Christ above,
For me to make a pussy of…

He exits, still dictating.
End of the Play.