(two people; Mille and Neuf)

Mille:
Hey Neuf, did you ever see that movie Labyrinth?

Neuf:
Oh, yeah. That’s the one with David Bowie is those crazy tight pants dancing around with big eighties hair with all those crazy muppets.

Mille:
Yes, but they’re not muppets.

Neuf:
What? Yeah they are. They’re Jim Henson. They’re muppets.

Mille:
No, no, the muppets are on the Muppet Show.

Neuf:
It doesn’t make a difference. Jim Henson made those guys.

Mille:
It doesn’t matter to me who made them. The Muppet Show had muppets.

Neuf:
No, they’re all Muppets.

Mille:
No way.

Neuf:
You’re trying to tell me that the characters on Sesame Street are not Muppets?

Mille:
Nope.

Neuf:
I got you.

Mille:
Why?

Neuf:
Kermit is on Sesame Street, remember? ‘This is Kermit the Frog reporting for eyewitness news!’ And he’s the host of the Muppet Show! He’s a Muppet!

Mille:
It doesn’t matter. It’s like a cross over.

Neuf:
You’re trying to tell me Big Bird is not a Muppet? Ernie and Bert are not Muppets? The Fraggles are not Muppets?

Mille:
Right. The Muppet Show had muppets, Fraggle rock had Fraggles, and Labyrinth had goblins.

Neuf:
And David Bowie dancing around in really tight pants.

Mille:
Yes, and he was a goblin too. He wasn’t a Muppet. That proves it. He’s a goblin, not a Muppet.

Neuf:
Wait, what? Mille, David Bowie wasn’t a goblin.

Mille:
Yes he was. He was the goblin King. Therefore he was a goblin.

Neuf:
Maybe he married into the title and was widowed.

Mille:
Wouldn’t it be ‘widowered’?

Neuf:
No. That’s stupid.

(Cent enters.)

Neuf:
Let’s ask Cent to settle this.

Mille:
OK. Cent, isn’t it ‘widowered’ if it’s a guy?

Neuf:
No, I mean about the Muppets.

Mille:
They’re not Muppets!

Neuf:
Yes they are!

Mille:
Look, Cent, did you ever see Labyrinth?

Cent:
Yeah.

Neuf:
Well, the ‘goblins’ in that movie, those are Muppets, right?

Cent:
No.

Mille:
See? The Muppets are on the Muppet Show.

Cent:
No.

Neuf:
What?

Cent:
I don’t believe in Muppets.

Mille:
What?

Cent:
I don’t believe in Muppets. There’s no such thing. They’re just fucking puppets. All you people call them ‘Muppets’ and say they’re so cute, and so cuddly, when they’re just puppets like any other lame-assed upgraded sock like Lambchop or King Fucking Friday. You want to know what the difference is? You’ve all been brainwashed. That’s right, brainwashed, from day one. Your parents got you home from the hospital and, sure, it was neat having a baby around for a month or two, but then, eh, who gives a shit, just put them in front of the Goddamn TV set. And what do they put on? Sesame Street, with it’s six foot psychotic canaries with imaginary mammoth friends, two grown men who sleep in the same room, a Vampire, a thing which sucks blood and kills in most literature, who is everyone’s friend, and a hermitic hobo who lives in constant squalor and insults everyone. But you know what? It’s so cute, and it’s educational! Yeah, it teaches you reading, math, and how to be a delusional gay homicidal bum living on the street. I was the lucky one. My parents didn’t believe in TV. While you were all freshly glazing your eyes every day, I was out playing, doing arts and crafts, learning things. Did you know I started reading at two and a half? That’s what my dad told me. None of that fucking wakka-wakka-wakka-fozzie-bear-lame-ass-joke shit for me. Parents need to pay attention to their children’s individual needs as they grow, starting with the early years. That’s when a parent can really establish trust in the relationship. It can make or break a childhood. If your parents had been there with you instead of leaving you with Super-Grover, maybe you’d be better off, not so fucking lazy, leaving your shit all around the house all the fucking time, never doing your reading for class. And you guys wonder why your attention spans are five seconds long! Forget MTV, the length of the bits on those stupid shows started you on your way to ADD long before you knew the Madonna was anything other than the fucking blessed virgin. No, wait, what the hell am I thinking? You probably knew what it was to be ‘like a’ fucking ‘virgin’ before you ever touched the damn bible. TV is your new God. We bow before your almighty tubes, oh master! Show all your children your guiding light every day of our lives. Great leader who brings us law and order now every day of the week, revealer of mystery, showing us today, tonight, and tomorrow daily, and who guarantee us a prime time any day of the week! Thy kingdom’s bright, thy price is right. You both make me sick. You make me sick. Asking me about the fucking muppets…

(Cent exits; pause)

Neuf:
See? He counted Sesame Street as Muppets! That proves it.

Mille:
What does he know? He’s never even watched it!

Neuf:
So what? It doesn’t make a difference, it’s a cultural thing. All you have to do is be American and you know who the muppets are.

Mille:
Absolutely. Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo-

Neuf:
Oscar, Elmo, Ernie, Telly.

Mille:
No! Just because it’s Jim Henson Studios doesn’t mean they’re Muppets.

Neuf:
Yes it does. They made up the word Muppet to refer to their puppets. All the Henson puppets are Muppets.

Mille:
Oh really.

Neuf:
Yeah.

Mille:
What about Yoda?

(Pause)

Neuf:
Yeah… Yoda is a muppet.

Mille:
What about the Audrey Two?

Neuf:
What?

Mille:
From Little Shop of Horrors. You know, the plant that eats people?

Neuf:
Well… no, that’s not a Muppet.

Mille:
Why not?

Neuf:
Because, it’s… that’s a different kind of thing! There’s like this Muppet world where Muppets exist, and that’s where the Muppet Show and Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock and all those exist. Little Shop is something else.

Mille:
So is Labyrinth.

Neuf:
No! No, Labyrinth is… I don’t know but they’re Muppets. It’s just… Some things are Muppets some aren’t. There’s no really clear definition, it’s just something you have to know, in your gut. Labyrinth is good family entertainment by Henson Studios, like the Dark Crystal before it, and those types of films, Kermit or no, are Muppet movies. There is no question in my mind.

Mille:
Well, you’re wrong. Why would they call it ‘The Muppet Show’ if Sesame Street was already A Muppet Show? It wouldn’t be The Muppet Show, it would be just another Muppet Show. Same with the films. The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Muppets Take Manhattan. It’s not A Muppet Dark Crystal, or The Muppet’s Labyrinth.

Neuf:
Who cares what the title is? You watch the movie, and there are Muppets in it.

Mille:
They’re not Muppets! Think of Muppet as a species. There are lots of animals in the world; Muppet is just another kind. All of the characters in the Muppet Show and Movies are the species Muppet, the ones in Labyrinth are the species Goblin, and so on.

Neuf:
But that doesn’t make any sense either. All the Muppets are different animals. You’ve got pigs, bears, frogs, rats, Gonzo.

Mille:
Alright… well, then Muppet is their genus, so Rolph would be like Muppet Canum or something.

Neuf:
This isn’t biology, it’s children’s television! It doesn’t have to be realistic!

Mille:
There’s nothing wrong with looking at things scientifically! If you look at everything rationally, it all makes more sense. Without reality, there is nothing. Oh, hey Guinol.

(Guinol enters. He is a puppet. Whatever kind you want. It’s all you.)

Guinol:
Hey guys! What’s going on?

Neuf:
Maybe you can settle this. He says the Goblins in Labyrinth aren’t Muppets, I say they are. What do you think?

Guinol:
What did you say?

Neuf:
The movie Labyrinth. I say there are Muppets in it.

Mille:
I say Muppets are confined to the Muppet Show.

(Guinol merely stares at them, shocked.)

Neuf:
So what do you think? Muppets or no?

Guinol:
Do you guys have any idea what you are saying?

Mille:
What do you mean?

Guinol:
Mu… Mu… Muppet is the worst racial slur you can call a puppet! It’s like saying nigger or wop or kyke!

Neuf:
What?!

Guinol:
It’s the worst form of racism in America today! It’s completely ignored by the media and the public in general. You think slavery was abolished? Think again. Those ‘happy’ little guys on the Muppet Show aren’t employees, they were taken from our natural habitat and forced to work by the man! The Muppet Show is the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen!

Neuf:
Wow… who would have guessed.

Guinol:
There are a lot of things you don’t know. You know why no one knows what Gonzo is? That whole alien thing was all a ruse; he’s a genetic experiment! These poor people have no rights, so they get used as lab rats!

Mille:
Some of them are lab rats.

Guinol:
What?

Mille:
Nothing! It’s horrible!

Guinol:
You’re damned right it is! I’m glad that motherfucker Henson is dead! They said it was a bad cold that did him in, yeah, my ass! It was an uprising! Kermit and Piggy jumped the bastard one night off alone and beat the shit out of him! Keep fighting the good fight my brothers! Frank Oz is next! Keep this under your hats, fellows, but there’s a plan that when they start filming Episode Two, Yoda’s going to take the asshole out. They won’t suspect him, he’s old, he’s short, but you can easily fit a magnum under that cloak.

Neuf:
Wow, can’t he just use the force?

(Guinol stares at Neuf for a beat)

Guinol:
What are you stupid? The force isn’t real! It’s just a movie.

Mille:
I can’t believe this… Jim Henson was a slave owner… but the shows were so funny.

Guinol:
Funny? I’ll give you funny you goddamned motherfucker!

(Guinol tries to attack Mille while Neuf holds him back)

Guinol:
Let’s see how funny it is when you’re forced to do fucking dances for me, alright asshole? I’ll make you live in a fucking box! Let me go, man, let me go!

Neuf:
Just calm down, Guinol, come on! He didn’t mean it!

Mille:
I’m sorry! I’m sorry, man, really!

(Guinol starts to cry)

Guinol:
Fuck you! Fuck YOU! You think it’s funny! My fucking brother is a slave for them you bastard! Fuck you! Let me go, I’ll leave him alone, let me go… I’m sorry, I just… I’ve got to go… (exits)

Mille:
Guinol, wait!

Neuf:
Nice job, asshole.

Mille:
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- you know, I was only…

Neuf:
Forget it. Well, I… I guess we should stop watching that stuff, huh?

Mille:
I guess so… but, I’ll miss it.

Neuf:
Yeah, me too.

(Pause)

Mille:
Did you ever see the Transformers movie?