Scene One

A household livingroom. The radio is on because that's how plays usually start. The furniture looks old, but more rustic than antique. The three children, Diana, Chaddy, and Lawrence, enter in a noise of playful ambition, each carrying toys of various types. They collapse on the floor to play, spreading the toys around.

Chaddy:
Now we pick which toys we each want to use, and I'll take the bomber plane first. Now you pick.

Diana:
Barbie is mine so I'll use her.

Lawrence:
I'll use the GI Joe.

Chaddy:
No, you can't use GI Joe, I have to use him because he goes with the bomber because he's the only one who fits in the bomber and if you're GI Joe I can't do anything with the bomber without you telling me what to do and that's not fair.

Lawrence:
But I like GI Joe!

Chaddy:
But you can't use him, I need to use him because he could just make me do things and I don't want-

Lawrence:
That's cheating! I wanted GI Joe! You're always GI Joe! It's my turn, fair and square!

Diana:
He's always GI Joe when he's the bomber.

Lawrence:
Fine, you take lame old GI Joe. I don't want to play.

He goes and sits in a chair with his arms crossed, overlooking the other two who remain on the floor.

Chaddy:
I'll pick GI Joe.

Lawrence scoffs.

Diana:
I guess I'll take... the baby, and let Barbie take care of him.

Chaddy:
What's left... the gunner and the tank. Do you want them, Lawrence?

Lawrence:
No!

Chaddy:
Then I suppose I'll take them because they're in the army, so GI Joe will command them. So what game should we play?

Diana:
Barbie is GI Joe's girlfriend and this is their baby.

Chaddy:
Then they're kidnapped by the ugly giant ogre who takes them back to his cave!
(gesturing to Lawrence and the space under his chair)

Diana:
Oh, GI Joe! Heeeeeelp me!

Chaddy:
So GI Joe deploys the army after the ogre!

He grabs Lawrence's foot and moves it as if it's talking.

Ha ha ha ha! I have taken her back to my cave! You'll never catch me now, GI Joe!

Lawrence:
Cut it out!

Diana:
Oh, you evil Ogre! Isn't there anything I can do to get you to let me go? What do you want with me and my baby?

Chaddy: (moving Lawrence's foot)
I'm going to make you be my wife!

Lawrence:
I said cut it, wiener!

Diana:
Anything but that! Oh save me!

Chaddy:
But the bomber swoops in and drops a bomb on the ogre!

Lawrence:
You said we were in a cave!

Chaddy:
It's a special bomb that knows where to find you.

Lawrence:
But I was right next to the baby! The baby will get blown up too.

Diana:
Barbie grabs the baby at the last second.

Lawrence:
That's stupid!

He kicks all Chaddy's army toys, scattering them all over the place.

Lawrence:
You always win and I always lose! I hate this game! You're stupid!

Enter: Father with something behind his back.

Father:
Boys, boys, what are we all fighting about, eh?

Boys:
Dad! Father! Daddy! (etc)

Father:
I brought you a present, kids!

Boys:
What is it? (etc)

Father:
(Revealing it) It's a game. It's called Connect Four. My father taught it to me when I was about Chaddy's age. Come on into the dining room, I'll teach you all how to play.

Boys:
YAY!!!

Scene Two.

The Kitchen of the house. Mother is preparing dinner with Diana's help. At the table, Chaddy and Lawrence are playing Connect Four. Father is watching. The sun is setting through the window. Father is drinking Milk. The dog, Edie, is sleeping on the floor.

Lawrence:
Connect four!

Chaddy:
No fair, I was just going to win! I was-

Father:
Chaddy. Don't lie to your brother. He won fair and square.

Chaddy:
Alright, Alright. You win, Lawrence.

Father:
Thank you, Chaddy. You have to learn to admit when you lose. There's no shame in admitting defeat as long as you own up to your responsibility. Now take off your shirt.

Chaddy:
But Dad-

Father:
Chaddy. Own up to your responsibility.

He takes off his shirt, silently. Father takes out a switch and gives it to Lawrence. Mother and Diana stop what they are doing to watch. Chaddy lays his chest on the table. Lawrence smiles a little bit. He whips Chaddy across the back with the switch seven times, each switch causing an eruption of sound from Chaddy. The girls giggle.

Father:
There you go, son. That wasn't so bad, was it? You made the bet, you knew what you were risking.

Lawrence:
Play again?

Chaddy:
No chance.

Lawrence:
Please? Oh, I want to play some more. Daddy, will you play with me?

Mother gasps. Father glares at her and she goes back to work. When he turns back to Lawrence Mother and Diana can't help watching. Chaddy is silent. Edie sits up to look.

Father:
Son, you don't want me to play with you.

Lawrence:
I do, though I do.

Pause.

Father:
You do understand what you're asking.

Lawrence:
Please, just this once?

Pause

Father:
If that's what you want. Sit.

Edie runs out of the room. Father and Lawrence set the board up between them. Everyone's eyes are locked on the pair. Father takes red, Lawrence takes black and goes first. Twelve checkers later, father has won. Father smiles. Lawrence starts to cry.

Father:
You see that, son? You see that? That's why you don't play against me. I've played more than you have. I'm smarter than you. I know more. There's no way you could beat me. It was completely stupid of you to try. It's the same reason you don't ask me to arm wrestle with you, I'd cream the shit out of you. I'm stronger than you, I'm smarter than you, I'm better than you. What got into to you? No, seriously I want to know. No, answer me, what were you thinking about? I'm serious. I'm fucking serious stop that god damned crying and answer me you little asshole! Cut the shit, you little brat! Cut it! (Pause.) Thank you. Now, answer my question: what The Fuck were you thinking challenging me? Did your minuscule half-me half-bitch brain actually suggest to you that you could win? Hmmm? Answer me boy, if you start crying again I'm going to take the pitchfork and-

Lawrence:
I was doing well and I thought... I thought it could be... fun?

Father:
Thought what could be fun? Beating me? In guess so, I suppose you thought it would be fun to humiliate your father, a little brainless prick like you beating him, sure that would be fun. I remember when I beat your grandfather at backgammon for the first time. I was fifteen we were playing before dinner, just like this. The difference was I was a smart little fucker, not like you little shits. I beat the old bastard and his jaw hit the goddamned floor and the first thing he did was go out into the back shed and blow his head off with a shotgun. Mom and me didn't know what he was doing until we saw the brains hit the window. I should have left them there so I could point them out to you kids, but Mom washed them up right away. I wish I had told her to leave them. Shit. Then since you were little I could have told you, "You see those? Those are grampa's brains and the day one of you little cowpies beats me, Daddy's brains are going to be up there with 'em." But you know what, sonny,

He grabs Lawrence by the shirt, pulling out of his seat.

Father (cont.):
That day's a lot farther off than you thought you arrogant piece of shit!

He opens a door with his other hand and tosses Lawrence through the door. He falls down a flight of stairs with a shriek and father closes the door shutting him into the complete darkness.

Mother:
Dear...

Father:
We've still got two more, honey, don't worry about it.

Mother:
Yes dear.

Scene three.

The next morning at breakfast time. Father is reading the paper. Mother is cooking bacon. Chaddy is eating Capt. Crunch. Diana is playing with a Barbie. Edie is humping a pillow.

Diana:
Oh Barbie, you're so beautiful and glamorous.

Chaddy:
She is no match for Capt. Crunch! I bet you is he ever came across her, an old sea dog like the Captain, he'd have his way with her faster than cereal goes soggy.

Mother:
Chaddy, don't torment your sister with pop icon rape.

Chaddy:
But mom!

Mother:
No buts young man! I won't have any child of mine growing up to think rape is funny. I mean, aside from you.

Diana:
That's right. Besides, Barbie only makes love with GI Joe.

Mother:
That's right dear, everyone knows that.

Diana:
Hmph.

Chaddy:
But the Captain is a sailor, like Popeye. He's not going to put up with any shit from a stuck up bitch like Barbie.

Edie starts humping Mother's leg

Mother:
Stop that, Edie, stop that! Good girl.

Edie stops humping Mother and starts humping Father's leg

Mother:
Honey, don't call Barbie a bitch. Just because a woman is a modern woman with a new set of feminist ideals and happens to be a high profile executive, it doesn't make her a bitch.

Father:
Honey, don't lie to the children and- GOD DAMMIT! Edie, you fucking bitch, get off of me!

Mother:
Honey! Don't yell at the dog!

Father:
But, dear, she's humping my fucking leg! The fucking bitch is-

Mother:
Just because a woman is a high profile-

Father:
She's a dog, God Dammit! That makes her a bitch!

Diana (crying):
Mommy, why is daddy so mad at Edie!

Edie starts to pee on the floor

Father:
Alright, that's it!

He picks up Edie and throws her out the kitchen window. Pause.

Diana:
Daddy!

Chaddy:
What the hell did you do that for?

Father:
She was, you know... I don't know, I just... Well, she shouldn't have been peeing on the floor!

Diana:
She's just a puppy!

Father:
We've had her for three years! She's not a damned puppy!

Mother:
Well, it doesn't matter, you've upset the children.

Mother pours the sizzling Bacon & its grease all over Father, who screams as his flesh melts off of him.

Mother:
You don't have to listen to them whine all day, you're off at work. How do you expect me to stay home all day with these children when they're all upset when you leave the house in the morning? Hmm? Well, that's it Mister, you're staying home today.

She hits him over the head with the frying pan. Pause.

Chaddy:
Mom?

Mother:
Yes?

Chaddy:
I think you killed him.

Mother:
Well, there's not going to be any bacon this morning, I'm afraid. Sorry Diana.

Diana cries.

Scene four.

Later that day. Father's corpse is laid out on the table, body cavity open. Mother, Diana, and Chaddy are sitting around him with blood crosses on their foreheads and cardboard birthday hats. They pray.

Mother:
Dear Sweet Jesus,

Diana and Chaddy:
Dear Sweet Jesus,

Mother:
Bless this father we are about to receive,

Diana and Chaddy:
Bless this father we are about to receive,

Mother:
We hope you guide his way to Heaven,

Diana and Chaddy:
We hope you guide his way to Heaven,

Mother:
Even as you guide him through our bowels,

Diana and Chaddy:
Even as you guide him through our bowels,

Mother:
And lead us not into doing very very bad things,

Diana and Chaddy:
And lead us not into doing very very bad things,

Mother:
And neither into ambiguity,

Diana and Chaddy:
And neither into ambiguity,

Mother:
Or anything else. Amen.

Diana and Chaddy:
Amen.

Mother:
Let's eat!

Chaddy:
I get the Pope's Nose!

Diana:
Can we do the wishbone, mommy?

Mother:
But of course, my dears!

She reaches into her husband's innards and pulls out the wishbone.

Mother:
There you are love!

The two children grab a hold and yank, Chaddy wins!

Chaddy:
Yes! (singing) I win! I win! I am the cham-pi-on!

Diana:
It's just a lame old wishbone. Shut up.

Chaddy:
(sings) I kick all the butt in the u-ni-verse!

Mother:
Ok, Chaddy enough gloating, let's eat your father, his blood's getting cold.

She is carving up and serving the father.

Chaddy (whispering):
I still kicked your butt.

Diana:
Nuh-uh.

Chaddy (singing softly):
I kicked your buh-utt and you can't take it. You ca-an't stand it, cuz I kicked your buh-utt.

Diana:
Mom!

Chaddy (sings):
Mom won't stop me cuz she doesn't love you.

Diana:
Mom!

Mother:
That's not true Diana, it's not that I don't love you, I just... well, it's not you, sweetie, it's me...

Chaddy:
See, I told you. She doesn't love you.

Diana:
Well, she doesn't love you either!

Mother:
That's not... entirely true, honey, but don't let it upset you! Those silly wishbone wishes never come true anyway, right Chaddy?

Chaddy:
Not usually.

Diana:
What did you wish for, Chaddy?

The tree outside the kitchen window falls with a crack, smashing through the wall and ceiling, landing on Mother, killing her instantly.

Chaddy:
Eh... that was my second choice. Oh well, good enough.

Diana:
You wished mom dead?

Chaddy:
A little. She was gonna make us eat Dad. I hate Dad.

Diana:
Look! Mom was wrong!

Chaddy:
Why? What?

Diana:
Here, in Daddy's head. That's not poo, it's pink.

Chaddy:
It's kinda grayish...

Diana:
But it's not poo. It smells funny though.

Chaddy
What's this?

He is taking out his father's intestines. He backs away from the table slowly, more and more uncoiling onto the floor.

Diana:
It's like a rope.

Chaddy:
Look, I'm Dad! "I remember when your uncle and I thumb wrestled, he hung himself! Strung himself up in the garage, just like this!"

Diana giggles as Chaddy pretends the intestines are a noose around his neck.

Chaddy:
"You two little... little dookie birds are going to have to get up a lot earlier in the morning if you want to set me swinging that way!"

The phone rings. Chaddy crosses the room to get it while Diana pokes at the brains. Chaddy drags the intestine across the room to the phone and answers.

Chaddy:
Hello? No, she's not here, can I take a message? Ok, bye. It was for mom.

Diana:
Mom's here, stupid.

Chaddy:
Nuh uh, she died.

Diana:
But she's still here.

Chaddy:
Yeah, so her everlasting soul has ascended to heaven.

Diana:
Nuh-uh, when you die there is only blackness and void.

Chaddy:
I thought you said the other day you thought we came back as animals and stuff.

Diana:
Well, I changed my mind, now I think that only the abyss awaits us.

Chaddy:
That's stupid.

Diana:
You're stupid!

Chaddy:
Your Mom's stupid!

Diana:
My mom is your mom, stupid!

Chaddy:
She's still stupid!

Diana:
Fine!

Chaddy:
Fine! (pause) Look, I'm dad again! "Bad Diana! You stupid little slut!"

He is whipping her on the butt with the intestines. She giggles and tries to defend.

Diana:
(laughing) Stop it!

Chaddy:
"I'll spank you red then give you Big Jim till you poop blood for a week!"

Diana:
(Giggling) Oh, Daddy, no!

The fall laughing to the floor and lay next to each other for a pause.

Diana:
I miss mom and dad.

Chaddy:
Me too.

Diana:
Can we get new ones?

Chaddy:
I don't think so...

Diana:
Unless...

Chaddy:
You have an idea?

Diana:
We could be the new mommy and daddy!

Chaddy:
Wow! That's a great idea!

Diana:
How do we get a baby?

Chaddy:
It has something to do with a stork, right?

Diana:
I think you have to have sex with a stork. Where can we get a stork?

Chaddy:
I don't know. What does one look like?

Diana:
I don't know, it's a bird. I've never had a baby before.

Chaddy:
There is a chicken in the freezer!

Diana:
That's perfect!

They get the frozen chicken out of the fridge.

Diana:
Now which one of us has sex with it?

Chaddy:
I dunno. I guess both of us.

Diana:
How do we...

Chaddy:
Let's try it like this...

Diana:
No, you... oh, I see... oh!

They've manipulated it so that Diana is on the floor and Chaddy is humping the chicken on top of her, such that the chicken's neck is pushing into her. They do this for a while making sounds of discovering pleasure, before the chicken gets tossed aside and they have sex together. When they finish, they rest for a second.

Diana:
Are we gonna have a baby now?

Chaddy:
I don't know... I mean it was nice, but it was no stork.

Diana:
Maybe if we do it more often.

Chaddy:
I guess we'll have to try.

There is a knock on the door. "Special delivery!" is called from outside.

Diana:
I'll get it!

She runs to the door and gets a package from outside, bringing it in excitedly.

Chaddy:
What is it?

Diana:
I don't know, but it's addressed to us!

Chaddy:
Oh, man, open it! Open it!

They tear into the cardboard package, opening it, finding a lot of Styrofoam peanuts. They tear through those as well, throwing them all over to find the prize within: their stillborn slightly deformed baby.

Diana:
It worked! It worked, Chaddy! We had a baby!

Chaddy:
I'm a father!

Diana:
He is so beautiful! What should we name him?

Chaddy:
How about Johnny? No- Figaro. No! Chunky!

Diana:
He doesn't move much.

Chaddy:
I think he's dead, actually.

Diana:
Isn't he gorgeous?

Chaddy:
I'll love him forever!

Diana:
Me too!

Tableau as they pose- a happy family. They hold it. Then:

Chaddy:
Now what?

Diana:
I kill you with a frying pan and eviscerate you, then a tree falls on me.

Chaddy:
Boring!

Diana:
Let's have more of the sex!

Chaddy:
Oh, yeah! What about Chunky?

Diana:
I know!

She puts the baby back in the box, grabs tape and a marker, tapes the box up, then begins to write on it.

Diana:
Return... to... sender. There we go!

She tosses to box out the door.

Chaddy:
Now the sex?

Diana:
Yes, let's go!

Chaddy:
The chicken?

Diana:
I'm a modern woman with a new set of feminist ideals who just happens to be a high profile executive, I don't have time for children.

Chaddy:
Shiver me timbers, you land-lubbing bitch! I'll tickle your crunch berries yet!

Diana:
Oh, Captain!

They laugh and squeal as Chaddy chases Diana out of the kitchen.
The End of the Play.