Characters:
Narrator
Jimmy
Man-Slotter
Drallus
Max
Molly
Keane
Mad Hater

Narr: As the sky around the Flashpoint became slowly brighter, there was something distinctive about the atmosphere inside the building. For this group of evil-fighting, ass-kicking, emotion-suppressing teens, love was most definitely and overtly in the air. In one room, the young Jimmy Kovacs was tossing and turning as nightmares of his, er, “conquest” of the Empress of Alter-Earth ran through his waking mind:

Jimmy: (as though dreaming) Oh gods, the horror, the terror…the…utter grossness…

Narr: Meanwhile, not too far down the hall, Drallus lay with only her thin sheets replacing her usual nightwear. The recently-turned-male Jill Slotter sat on the edge of her bed donning yesterday’s tee-shirt. He heard Drallus take a small breath, as though she was about to speak. He kept his back to her.

Man-Slotter: Let’s not…um…do…this. There’s nothing we can say that will make this any less weird, so let’s just…not talk about it. At all. And especially not to other people. (pause – this is weird, he might suffer terrible rejection) You know what’s weirdest…?

Drallus: I liked it.

Man-Slotter: (relieved, but still weirded-out) Yeah. Me too. (beat) You know what’s in the top three?

Drallus: Having a- I mean…well…having man parts?

Man-Slotter: Yeah.

Drallus: Well, you…uh…seemed to adapt pretty quickly.

Man-Slotter: Okay, moving on. (beat) Drallus?

Drallus: Yeah?

Man-Slotter: This is probably a really awkward question, but it’s not like there’s anyone else I can ask.

Drallus: Anything, Jill.

Man-Slotter: Am I still…well, what I mean is, does this count as my first…

Drallus: Oh geez. That’s a tough one. I mean, technically, I guess you did…have your first…but you’re clearly not feeling yourself lately, so you’re the only one who can really decide that.

Man-Slotter: I guess you’re right. It’s funny, we fight all kinds of monsters and villains from every galaxy, dimension, and time zone, and this turns out to be the most confusing thing I think I’ve ever gone through.

Drallus: I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any assistance.

Man-Slotter: (a little coy) Well, I wouldn’t say that...

Drallus: Oh, Jill! You’re terrible! Come on, you’ll be alright. Here, we can still hug, right? That’s not too awkward, is it?

Man-Slotter: Of course not. Thanks, Drallus.

(FX: beeping of her videophone)

Drallus: (mixture of excitement and disappointment) Is that Furtrace?

Man-Slotter: Yes! I’ll…just go take it in my room. Later, Drallus.

Drallus: Later.

Narr: A slightly disheveled Man-Slotter bumped into Max on the way to his room.

Max: Good morning, Slotter. How are you feeling? You look a little…lost.

Man-Slotter: (covering for the fact that he just BONED Drallus) Oh! Uh, I’m okay. It’s just, uh…I just had to go to the bathroom and, well, it’s a little weird adjusting to the, uh, new way I have to do that.

Max: (awkward chuckle) Oh, you’ll be fine. You’ll probably find it easier (laughs too heartily and fades out when he realizes he’s talking about Slotter’s privates)

Man-Slotter: Yeah, apparently I’m, uh, adapting quickly.

Max: Yeah. Well anyway, I’m assembling everyone in Control Room 5.

Man-Slotter: Well, I’m not sure I’ll be joining you. Furtrace is calling on my videophone.

Max: Oh! Well I hope it’s good news.

Man-Slotter: Me too. But I may have to leave quickly. It might be time-sensitive.

Max: Well I’ll understand if you don’t show up, and I’ll fill the others in. Now go answer that damn thing, it’s been flashing for nearly a minute.

Man-Slotter: Aye-aye, captain. (pause) Furtrace!

Furtrace: Took you long enough!

Man-Slotter: Sorry, Max is calling a meeting and I had to tell him I might not be there. That is, if you have good news?

Furtrace: I have a spell for you. It took a while to find, your condition is actually very difficult to reverse.

Man-Slotter: Oh you little fuzzball, how can I thank you?

Furtrace: By turning back into a girl. You’re kind of fruity as a guy.

Man-Slotter: Well, what do we do? Do you come here, or do I go there, or how does this work?

Furtrace: Well, it involves a two-part potion.

Man-Slotter: Okay, what are the parts?

Furtrace: Well, that’s the thing.

Man-Slotter: Uh-oh. What’s the thing?

Furtrace: Well, the easy part is the unicorn saliva.

Man-Slotter: You call that easy? Do you have some way to magic us onto Chimeraxy-7?

Furtrace: No, dummy. It’s almost impossible to get onto the unicorn planet without proving you have a pure heart. As nice as you think you are, I can’t magic your heart pure.

Man-Slotter: Get to the part where it’s easy.

Furtrace: Most unicorns are magic users.

Man-Slotter: Of course, you must have crossed paths.

Furtrace: I helped one many years ago and in return she gave me a vial of her magic saliva.

Man-Slotter: That’s pretty gross. But…helpful, I guess. What’s the second part?

Furtrace: That one is not so clear. It needs to be another fantastical creature.

Man-Slotter: Um…there are lots of fantastical creatures in the universe, Furtrace.

Furtrace: Yes, but this one has to be Marsupial in nature.

Man-Slotter: Oh. (beat) Okay, I think I can handle that one. But we’re going to have to travel. I’m going to make a call. Get some cool clothing on and come get me in ten minutes.

Narr: With Furtrace and Slotter off to potentially change Jill’s life for the second time in a few days, Max had successfully assembled a dumbfounded Flashpack in Control Room 5. Dumbfounded because the message on one of their main monitors had a threatening air to it, but virtually no threatening content.

Molly: (reading) Attention Doomed Flashpack: Assemble in Control Room 5. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Drallus: He actually wrote out his evil laugh.

Jimmy: Could be a she.

Molly: True. It isn’t signed. But…what does it mean?

Keane: Not to rain on everyone’s parade, but since the, uh, threat says to be in this room, shouldn’t we, maybe, not be in this room?

Max: What could possibly happen in our own headquaters? Besides, maybe whoever it is will send along another message to this monitor, and we should be here when it comes in.

Narr: And at that moment, another message was indeed sent along, only in the form of a blond-haired gentleman in an outlandishly starched purple suit and stereotypically evil twirled mustache.

Mad Hater: (jolly, calm) Bon Jovi burgers and nectar nuggets to you all, my good gentleladies and mermen.

Max: Great Mercurian Mercy!

Drallus: How did he get in here?

Molly: I don’t believe it!

Jimmy: Okay, what am I missing?

Mad Hater: Sir Farfoofley Fluffle-Muffins, my good sir. How do you don’t?

Max: The Mad Hater, Jimmy. Keane, can you load translation software onto your Info-Broadcaster?

Keane: Give me about…72 seconds.

(The following conversation is rushed, and slightly hushed. They don’t have a lot of time, and the villain is kind of right in the room.)

Molly: Jimmy, the Mad Hater is one of the universe’s most ominous evil villains.

Jimmy: (giggles) Are you serious? He seems silly to me. In fact, I kind of want to poke him.

Max, Molly, Drallus: No!

Jimmy: Okay, sheesh. I wasn’t really going to.

Drallus: Poking makes him extra angry!

Jimmy: Uh, okay? Really, a clue would be nice. Any time you’re ready.

Molly: The Mad Hater is extremely misanthropic. In fact, he’s misan-anything-ic. He hates everyone and everything. He doesn’t care what happens to anyone. Well, as long as it is horrible. His goal is to make everyone in the universe so enraged with each other that we all destroy one another and the universe implodes.

Jimmy: So he’s here to make us angry?

Molly: Not just angry, Jimmy. He has a weapon that emits a beam of pure hate. Anyone struck by it becomes filled with years’ full of extreme hatred for everyone and everything.

Jimmy: Okay. Seems pretty straightforward. Except…one question.

Molly: Make it quick.

Jimmy: Why does he sound so nice?

Max: The Mad Hater is mad, as in angry. But he’s also mad, as in bug-nuts crazy. He even speaks Mad. Which is why Keane is going to load translation software, to translate from Mad to English.

Keane: Done.

Max: Okay, Mr. Mad Hater. What is it you want from The Flashpack?

Mad Hater: Why, snurfing cajorgling fark-fark efforton buck-COCK!

(FX: The “translations” of the Mad Hater to English should be done by the same actor. However, they should be filtered as though coming out of a machine. They should also be the “dark side” of the Mad Hater – his true feelings come out in English, and he should be seething, exuding utter hatred and contempt.)

Translation: Well, you complete wastes of space, I intend to destroy the goodness of Earth by pitting you against each other, and then your public.

Jimmy: Wow, he sounds way madder in translation.

Keane: English captures the intentions behind the words, which Mad scrambles up.

Narr: Trapped in the confines of their control room, and with very few crime-fighting supplies, Molly sat messaging Keane and Drallus on their videophones with makeshift plans. Max, sensing the superheroic activity around him, began to incite the purple-clad villain.

Max: (sarcastic) I was wondering when you were going to come for us. But I assumed it was all part of some brilliant scheme you were concocting. You are, after all, one of the most feared super villains of our time.

Mad Hater: Purple wig-noofins and alaca-witch beards.

Translation: Of COURSE I am, you idiot. I’m THE most feared super villain of ANY time.

Max: Well, you say that, but I have to wonder…how come the most feared super villain of any time hasn’t been able to convert even one whole planet to hatred? And for that matter, how come you haven’t even attempted to destroy us, the most respected Earthen superheroes?

Mad Hater: Ossmalogical maxery bin-bin axle grease monkey monk apathy.

Translation: (angrier than ever) You dare to question the greatness of the Mad Hater? You are more horrible and pathetic than I thought. You will squirm and grovel before me. Because now, Flashpack, your time has come.

Narr: As the Mad Hater pulled a small ray gun from his breast pocket, a signal from Molly prompted Drallus to spring into motion. She leapt under the table that held the main monitor and, with a quick shove, made its shiny metal control panel fly across the room. The entire Flashpack ducked and watched the beam of hate bounce off of the shiny metal of the control panel and head towards the ceiling. Quickly calculating the beam’s angle, Keane threw her videophone up to the ceiling, reflecting it once more towards the Mad Hater. The villain was just as quick as they, however, and pulled a small compact mirror from his other breast pocket, reflecting and spreading the beam onto the entire Flashpack, who seemed to absorb it into their bodies. With another graceful motion, Drallus flew into the Mad Hater’s side using all her strength. The ray gun fell from his hand as he stumbled sideways, and Molly caught it midair. She ran forward, shooting the beam over and over again directly into the Mad Hater’s heart until he fell limp to the ground.

(Note: from this point forward all dialogue should be said as though you are all in a huge fight because everyone was caught boning everyone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Feel free to act like everyone else is really f-ing stupid.)

Jimmy: Why did that kill him?

Drallus: No one’s heart can withstand that much hate, not even his.

Molly: Nice job breaking our control panel, Drallus.

Drallus: You told me to! Besides, we have a million of those.

Max: Crap, this is really bad.

Jimmy: Yeah, I totally hate all of you. What’s the deal?

Max: His beam got to us.

Keane: Sheesh, calm down, everyone. Yeah, the beam got us, but it was reflected three times through three different mirrors. Its effects are not nearly as bad as they could be, and should wear off in a day or two.

Molly: Okay, thanks, but what do we do in the meantime?

Max: Avoid each other, duh. The only way not to beat each other up is to quarantine ourselves in our rooms. I, for one, certainly don’t want to be in the same room with any of you.

Keane: Yeah well that’s fine with me, I don’t care about any of-

Narr: Keane’s sentence was interrupted by her losing consciousness and falling to the floor.

Drallus: Gods, what a drama queen. Hellooooo, Sara, you don’t need to cry for attention so much. We get it, you’re smart and everything.

Molly: Stop being so insensitive, Drallus! She just fainted!

Jimmy: You women are all so complicated! With your calf muscles and your ta-tas and your-

Max: Okay, enough! Jimmy, stop freaking out, Molly, put Keane to bed, Drallus… just… just shut up, and everyone GO TO YOUR ROOM.

Molly: Fine.

Jimmy: Fine.

Drallus: Fine.

Max: Fine. Flashpack.

Molly, Jimmy, Drallus: Flashpack.

Narr: The Flashpack’s day was cut short by the slamming of respective doors. Will the effects of the Mad Hater’s beam wear off? Will Man-Slotter and Furtrace find a cure for Slotter’s manness? What caused Keane to pass out? Tune in for the next thrilling episode of Epic Echoes: From Australia, With Love.