Characters:
Narrator
Dr. Fast
Captain Fantasy
Broadband

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Dr. Fast and Captain Fantasy in "Fantastic But True."

(Dr. Fast runs into the room.)

Fast: Am I late?

CF: Never. Have a seat. Things were just about to get interesting.

Fast: Were they? What's going on?

CF: You were just about to show up.

Fast: Ah. Funny.

CF: No joke. You were.

Fast: And I did.

CF: And now it's interesting. So, you were just in time.

Fast: Just in time... to get here when I did? What else could I have been?

CF: Late. Like you said.

Fast: That's not possible!

CF: Which is why I answered never.

Fast: This is the most pointless argument I've ever had.

CF: Not yet. So, how's the aging thing going?

Fast: No luck, recently. Things keep interrupting at crucial junctions. Stopping Disastress the other day set me back a few weeks.

CF: Too bad about that. Mr. Fahrenheit keeps having nightmares about it.

Fast: He's afraid of Tidal Waves?

CF: Not sure. Something about that and... Trundle beds. I saw it last time I was in the world of dreams.

Fast: (scoffs) I see.

CF: Ah, yes, you don't believe in the world of dreams, I forgot.

Fast: I'm sorry... It's nothing against you. I'm a man of science.

CF: The world of dreams is real, though, just as real as this world. There, I'm all-powerful, practically a God. Here, I'm just a person. If the world of dreams isn't real, where do I get my information? How do I know about the anti-grav belt that's been plaguing you? How do I do my magic? How do I ensnare Suspiria in the veil of twilight?

Fast: I... have my theories, but I'd rather keep them to myself.

CF: No, please! Tell me. This I've got to hear.

Fast: (hesitant) ... Fine. I've... always suspected that you actually have powerful telepathic and telekinetic abilities. I believe that the entire Dream World scenario you've made up is entirely inside your head.

(Pause)

CF: So?

Fast: What... what do you mean, "so?" So, it's not real.

CF: Why would something in my head be any less real than what isn't?

Fast: That seems like a preposterous question. Something in your head, by nature, cannot be real. It's in your head; you're making it up.

CF: Or, it could be something real that exists only in my mind. I didn't 'make up' the world of dreams, I found it.

Fast: You can't find it if it isn't a place! This isn't like the world of the Fae that Peaseblossom comes from, or Atlantis, where Ocean Man lives - those are real places, places other people can go to. As far as I can tell, you're the only one who can go to the world of dreams.

CF: That's not it at all; I'm just the only one who realizes that we're already there. You say I've made up the world of dreams, that I'm deluding myself, but you can't prove that I'm not right. Perhaps we are all connected through the world of dreams, and all this world is, is us trying to make sense of the dream world?

Fast: Come on, now. That's a pointless argument.

CF: No, it isn't-

Fast: It is. Of course, I can't prove you wrong, but accepting that reality IS reality one of the fundamental assumptions of the universe. I think, therefore I am; I am here, therefore, here is. Besides, I don't need to prove your theory wrong. There is nothing to suggest that it's true, so I needn't bother to disprove it, just as I don't bother to prove that magical cheese fairies hold the nucleus of the atom together.

CF: You'd have to check with Peaseblossom about that. But I've already told you, there is evidence that supports what I am telling you. I can see the world of dreams. I can touch it. I do so every time I face a criminal. When I held the rain of fire back from destroying Washington DC, I reached into the dream world and warped the fabric of its reality, holding the fire in the sky. If there was no dream world, how could I-

Fast: What are you talking about? The Creationist? Voodoo Lady held back the rain of fire!

CF: ... Sure, sometimes. Depends on when you look at it. It doesn't matter, the point is, everything I do, I do it through the world of dreams. When I, here, when I lift... that soda- look, see? I'm manipulating the world of dreams, which disrupts this "reality", resulting in this flying bottle. (he sips the drink) The evidence is right in front of you.

Fast: Except that it isn't. There is a simpler explanation besides the one that is only provable by taking your word. We know there is such a thing as telepathy, we know there is such a thing as telekinesis. We can prove it in a lab, with reproducible results. It's far more reasonable to believe that you can lift that soda using telekinesis.

CF: And just write me off as a kook.

Fast: Come on, I didn't want to-

CF: All right, fine, how about this? Maybe we're looking at the same thing from two different sides. Maybe I see it as the world of dreams and you see it as telekinesis, but maybe it's the same thing. Perhaps if I have telekinesis, but I don't know about the world of dreams, I see it as just moving something in this world, when I'm really distorting the world of dreams. Just as we do complicated physics calculations when we throw or catch a ball.

Fast: That's pointless. Do you want me to admit that the possibility exists that that could be true? Fine; it is possible, if only remotely so. But neither of us can prove that if it is either true or not, so it's pointless. You can't prove there is a world of dreams, I can't prove there isn't. But regardless, only one of us is right.

CF: What do you mean?

Fast: Regardless of whether we can prove it or not, either there is a world of dreams, or there isn't. I personally believe there isn't.

CF: But if you can't prove it's not real, it won't cease to exist for me, and therefore it will exist.

Fast: What? No, that's nonsense.

CF: Nonsense or no, I can see it, I can feel it. You can see things your way; I'll see them mine. We're just going to have to settle for having our own personal beliefs on the matter.

Fast: You can believe what you want to, but it won't change the truth. There's only one truth.

CF: One truth? Ok, now that isn't true. You could talk to two people who saw the exact same event, and both of them will tell you-

Fast: One of them is wrong, then. I'm not talking about perception, I'm talking about a truth that is completely independent of perception.

CF: God's truth?

Fast: What? No! What has God got to with anything?

CF: Well, if there's an ultimate truth, someone has to be the arbiter of it.

Fast: There doesn't need to be any arbiter, the truth needs no judgement, the truth merely is, regardless of all perception, judgement, hypothesis-

CF: Or proof?

Fast: ... Yes- but that doesn't mean there's a world of dreams.

CF: BUT... if there is one... then there is one.

Fast: ... If you want to state something so completely obvious and reflexive, then yes. Yes, regardless of anything I've said, if there is a world of dreams, then there is a world of dreams.

CF: Thank you. See? That was the most pointless argument you've ever had.

Fast: (exasperated sigh, then rhetorically) Why is it always me? Don't you realize I experience this nonsense exponentially longer than anyone else would?

CF: So, you don't believe in God, then?

Fast: What does that have to do with anything?!?

CF: Nothing. (pause) It just hurts his feelings.

(incoming transmission alarm)

BB: Guard Tower! Guard Tower alert!

CF: We read you Broadband. How are you?

BB: What? (moving on) The Mollusk has four giant squid attacking New York Harbor! One of them is - crap! They just destroyed Broadband model 27. I'll prep 28.

Fast: I'll be right there.

(Dr. Fast zips away.)

CF: I've never seen a giant squid in this world before. Are they purple here, too?

BB: What? Just- just send out the signal, for Christ's sake!

CF: All right, all right. (on the intercom) Good afternoon, Earth Guard, we have an emergency...