Characters:
Narrator
Binary Girl
Peaseblossom
Disastress
Dragon Drop
Suspiria
Farmer

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Peaseblossom and Binary Girl in "Guard Down."

(Binary Girl is still softly moaning and panting, etc to herself. Disastress and Dragon Drop are still in their cells, but they're awake, and staying quiet. A toilet flushes.)

Drag: (quiet) Did you get it? Disastress, did you get it?

D: (quiet) Yeah, I got it. Micro-mini-disaster Blaster. Only enough power for one shot, low setting.

Drag: (quiet) Let me out. I can take her down, quick, then let you out.

D: All right- I'll blast the field generator for your cell. Count of three. One... two.... (loud again) Three!

BG: What? What are they-

Drag: Not so fast, Double Dame!

D: Get her into another cell!

BG: Aiiiieee-uhn!

Drag: Hah! Knocked her out! (turns on field in the cell he threw her in)

D: Now, quick, let me out! (her field is shut off) They should be back any-

(Peaseblossom and the other Binary Girl re-enter the room, Disastress is messing with stuff.)

PB: 'Tis Dragon Drop! I should have known, the fiend!

BG: Disastress! What have you done to me! The other me!

D: That was nothing!

(she blasts them with her Blaster, and they both begin agonized screaming)

PB: You'll never get away with-

Drag: I'll take those, if you don't mind!

(he slings them into another cell, slamming them against a wall, putting them both out as well, and turning on the field.)

Drag: Yes! Haha! Take that, you stupid dykes! Lousy bitches!

D: Excuse me?

Drag: What? I mean them.

D: Don't be an ass.

Drag: You don't think they're bitches?

D: That's not the point. I just want you to shut up and stop being an ass. There's no reason to talk smack when they're already out cold. All you're going to do is make me mad... and you don't want to do that.

Drag: Oh, really?

D: (pissed) Look, Dragon Drop- I've had this blaster stuck up inside me for hours, I've had to cow-tow to these morons, and to top it all off, I've had some lousy dreams. Add it all up and you've got one angry Mistress of Disaster- and as you've seen, I've got my blaster hooked up to their power grid now. I may not be able to make earthquakes, but it can create some astoundingly painful spasms. Now, Get. Off. My. Ass.

Drag: (sarcastic) Ok, "Mistress". (pause) So, why didn't they strip-search you, when they brought you in, anyway?

D: Too busy, needed to get on all the other escapees.

Drag: Yeah, we were sure giving them Hell. Me and Wizzy-Wig were down on 3rd, where there's this-

D: Oh please! I don't want to be your friend! Why are you telling me this?

Drag: Well... no reason. Forget it then. So, what's the plan?

D: Why should we waste anymore time? Let's get out of here. I'll go my way, you go yours.

Drag: Why be so hasty? There are so many other... options.

D: Like what?

Drag: I'm one of the Sysops! Technology is our forte. The Guard Tower is full of it.

D: What do you have in mind?

Drag: These implants don't just give me my Drag and Drop capabilities. I can interface with their system. See what kind of trouble we can cause for these wretched bastards.

D: That's actually not a bad idea- for a second rate pig.

Drag: I'll take that as a compliment and not drop you out an airlock.

D: Wise choice. I'm going to build a full strength Disaster Blaster.

Drag: Good idea. Rumor has it Broadband designed the computer systems here in the base himself. I've been dying to interface with some of his code for... wait... aw, what is this bull?

D: What?

Drag: The main... the main system is off-line. The entire... what is this? The entire "Brainframe Personality Interface System" is down, running diagnostics through Stanton Enterprises.

D: So what does that mean for us?

Drag: The bad news is, I can't access the main volumes of their systems- their personal files, secret identities, even their files on us. Any attempt to get at them will ring a million alarms at Stanton, and old Bobby will send his little puppy Broadband to wrap us up.

D: Great. So, let's make ourselves scarce.

Drag: But there is good news. The good news is, so long as this "Brainframe" is down, no alarms are ringing about our breakout. No one has any idea we're up here.

D: So?

Drag: So? So- we've captured two of the Earth Guard without breaking a sweat! Others are going to be coming to replace them-

D: You're not suggesting-

Drag: Why not? Look- I can rig up some sort of little makeshift bell or beeper whenever their teleportation is used, meaning we can get the drop on anyone coming up here. They're not going to be expecting it- this is their sanctuary! They'll have their guard down.

D: I don't like it.

Drag: What? Why not?

D: Too risky. Why haven't you and your Sysops taken over the world yet?

Drag: Because of the Earth Guard!

D: Exactly. So now, you want to specifically stick around and interact with them?

Drag: So we can take them out! Get them out of the picture!

D: It's not very likely, if you ask me. The best way to stay active as long as possible is to stay out of their sight. Do you know how often I use my blaster and they don't know it wasn't natural? A lot. I don't imagine a half-man, half-machine thing flinging people and things around keeps you under the radar.

Drag: Yeah, well, I'm talking about taking out the radar tower! I'm saying we strike first, and we strike hardest, hit them before they even know we're-

(the door opens, and Dr. Fast enters, escorting in Suspiria.)

DF: Let's get you into a nice cozy cell where- Oh, nice try, Suspiria. I've already told you, I'm far too quick to fall for any of your hallucinations. As if two nobodies like Disastress and Dragon Drop could get the drop on the Earth Guard.

D: Excuse me!

(Disastress blasts Dr. Fast, whose legs break. He screams.)

D: Grab him!

Drag: Dragged and dropped!

(DF is chucked into a cell, but is not knocked out.)

DF: (in pain) You'll never get away with this! My legs will heal in no time, and-

D: And you'll do nothing. These cells are made to hold in people with powers far beyond yours. Have a nice convalescence.

(she blasts him again, he yells again)

Sus: What's going on here?

Drag: You must be Suspiria. It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

Sus: Who are you?

Drag: I'm Dragon Drop. That's Disastress. We're going to take out the Earth Guard.

D: We're going to do no such thing. I'm getting as far away from this maniac as I possibly can.

Sus: Disastress? This Mistress of Disaster? Funny- you never seemed like a coward in the news reports.

D: Excuse me? You never struck me as a moron either, but here you are, inviting me to kill you.

Sus: You think you could take me?

D: Oh, I know I could.

Sus: Are you... sure?

Farmer: You! You're the one who was in mah field!

D: Wha... what? N-n-n-no, sir, no, I was never in your cow field! I swear!

Drag: What the hell is that?

Farmer: You'd best get the hell out of mah sight before I skewer you, little bastard!

D: Please, don't, not the pitchfork! I promise, I'll never cut through your fields again! I promise!

Sus: I have no idea where this came from. Worst fear. I love pulling that one.

Farmer: You hear me girl?

D: Oh God! Help me! NOOOOOOO! (she leaves)

Sus: Where do you think she'll go?

Drag: Probably teleport out of here, from what she was saying. Doesn't want to tang with the Guard unless she absolutely has to.

Sus: You'll get no such argument from me. I live to destroy them.

Drag: That's the plan exactly.

Sus: I love a man with a plan. Tell me all about it.

Drag: (pause) Right. The plan. Well, I was thinking, I can hook up a little beeper thing when the teleporter is activated-

Sus: So we can be ready for them.

Drag: Yes. Exactly.

Sus: Leaving them in these little cells, where we can torment them with every terrible thing they've even thought of.

Drag: I like the way you think.