Characters:
Narrator
Dragon Drop
Suspiria
Gasmask
Lady Luna
The Jack
Dr. Fast
Binary Girl
Peaseblossom

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: The Vengeance Squad in "Vengeance is Mired."

(Suspiria is alone in the Guard Room, listening to the captured members of the Earth Guard screaming in agony. She is sitting humming a merry tune. Gasmask enters the room.)

Gas: Uhg... how can you listen to that?

Sus: It's music to my ears! The most beautiful sounds I've ever heard! The song that's been running through my head since I first met the bastards!

Gas: Well, it gives me a headache. That's why I tend to knock them out.

(Suspiria makes the voices fade out.)

Sus: Aw... you want me to rub your head?

Gas: No thanks. I'd have to take off my mask.

Sus: So? We're all friends here.

Gas: I don't take off my mask.

Sus: But you're such a cutie under-

Gas: Just drop it! ...please.

Sus: Fine, Mr. Sensitive. So, where are the others?

Gas: Checking out the trophy room. You know they actually have one of the Holy Roman's Crucifiers here? If we could get the security off it, we could put that thing to good use.

Sus: Ooo, that would be fun!

Gas: They're working on it. Not sure if they can get it out. But listen, one thing... the Vengeance Squad?

Sus: I told you, that's our name!

Gas: But it sounds so-

Sus: Let it go.

Gas: How about the Backlash Pack? Or the Mirth Guard?

Sus: You think those are better?

Gas: Or anything. The Revengers.

Sus: No! This is my team, and I'll name it whatever I want!

(The other two enter.)

Drag: Your team? Really? Because I remember being here before you, and it was my idea to lay here in wait for the Guard.

Sus: You're already on another team! You can't have both. This one is mine. I'm clearly the best leader here.

Luna: Excuse me? I am a Queen! I've lead the armies of the Moon Children for years!

Sus: Oh please! Those moon... things barely even have brains!

Luna: You think that makes them easier to lead? I really have to spell things out for them to be able to do anything right!

Sus: So leading a bunch of retarded kindergartners makes you the best choice to lead us?

Luna: Well, if the IQ fits...

Gas: Hey! You might be able to talk to Dragon Drop that way, but the rest of us-

Drag: What? Shut the hell up, Gas-Hat!

Gas: Was that supposed to be even remotely witty?

Sus: All right, enough!

(the other three are suddenly bound and gagged, and make muffled noises of complaint.)

Sus: Shut up and listen to me! (they stop their noises) This is ridiculous. We need to work together without killing one another! We've got half the Earth Guard captured here! Do you want to bicker about the name of our temporary alliance and who is our official treasurer, or do you want to capture the other four members? Because I don't know about you, but personally, I won't be satisfied until I hear every single one of them scream with pleasure after I finally give in to their begging for death and slit their damned throats. (Pause.) Now... are you with me?

(She releases them. They gasp for breath and stretch out.)

Gas: You know... there is something very wrong with your brain. ... But I'm with you.

Drag: Yeah, I'm in.

Luna: You can do what you will to the Earth Guard, I don't care. Just leave the moon to me and mine.

Gas: What is your deal with the moon? It's just the moon, for Christ's sake!

Luna: It's my home! My kingdom! And all my Moon Children... they need me! You should see what they do when I leave them alone... by now they've probably broken half the dishes in the kingdom. I can just see them, rubbing up against my castle door, wondering why I won't let them inside...

Drag: And you want us to count these things as people?

Luna: What? How dare you speak that way about my children!

(The beeper goes off.)

Sus: That's the teleporter! Get ready!

Luna: I'm sorry if they're not on the 'internet' consuming enough for you to count them as people, but not everyone is-

Sus: Luna, we don't have time for this right now! We've got to pretend to be-

(the door opens and Broadband enters.)

BB: Oh, uh- hi there everyone. Is there a meeting, or...

Fast: (Sus) No, not at all. We're just all relaxing and... enjoying the capture of these awful villains here. Right guys?

Jack: (Gas) Absolut-a-tutely!

BG: (Luna) Yep, that's us. Heroes all.

BB: All right. Well, I've just come up to make a few adjustments to the Brainframe. I've been overhauling the system, updating the interfaces. Should be much smoother.

Fast: (Sus) Excellent, yes. Good idea. Will it take long?

BB: Nothing's ever fast enough for you, eh? It should just be a moment... in fact... there. That's all I need to do from up here. I'll finish the rest back at Stanton. The Brainframe should be fully functional in about twenty minutes.

BG: (Luna) Oh... Good...

BB: I guess I'll be going, then. You... look very pretty today, Peaseblossom.

PB: (Drag) Oh... thanks.

BB: You're wearing your old costume again. It's very flattering.

PB: (Drag) Yeah, I... felt like it.

BB: Yes, well. So long then. Have a good afternoon.

BG: (Luna) You too!

(Broadband leaves. Suspiria sighs in relief.)

Luna: What was that all about?

Sus: What was what about?

Gas: Why did we just let him go? You're our self-proclaimed leader, why didn't we pounce on the bastard?

Drag: And why did I have to be the gay-ass fairy girl?

Sus: It's Broadband! He's a robot!

Gas: A robot who we just let waltz out of here!

Sus: You would have preferred we lock him in a cell?

Luna: Then he wouldn't be getting in our way.

Sus: And what would stop him from sending up his next Broadband model after this one?

(Pause.)

Drag: I still don't see why I had to be the Fairy.

Sus: (frustrated) Because you're a fag!

Drag: You want me to show you, you want me to prove it to you right here, right now?

Gas: Why don't you just step away from the lady?

Drag: You keep out of this!

Gas: I don't think I will. You take on one of the... Vengeance Squad... you take on us all.

Drag: I started the God Damned Vengeance Squad!

Luna: You people are worse than the Moon Children! I'm taking the moon back to Mars!

Sus: Now, hang on a minute! That's not a part of the deal!

Luna: You said you'd leave the moon to me and my followers!

Sus: Yeah, but you didn't say you'd be taking it away!

Gas: We need the moon here! It maintains the tides, it would be a total ecological disaster without it!

Luna: We of the moon care not for your Earthen life! Who's going to stop me, once the Earth Guard is gone? You?

Drag: We'll damned well try, sister.

Luna: Are you declaring War on the Moon?

Drag: I'll tear the thing apart before I let you leave with it.

Gas: That's not going to do anyone any good.

Sus: People, we're doing it again! We have to-

(The alarm goes off.)

Gas: What the hell is that?

Newscaster: live to Washington, DC where the Mollusk appears to be leading an army of heavily armed blue-green fish-men onto the shore. Estimates put their numbers in the thousands, and they are pouring out of Chesapeake Bay and into the District of Columbia and the surrounding area. No sign of the Earth Guard yet, but the disgraced hero Ocean Man is already on the scene. No word yet if the former Guard member is there to stop the invasion or has somehow changed allegiances to- no, wait, this just in, Ocean Man appears to be confronting the Mollusk, taking on as much of the Atlantean fleet as he can by himself. I don't know how much one man can do against an invasion force like this, but he does appear to be trying. Footage is just coming in, so we'll switch to that...

Sus: It's an emergency. I guess this is what they sit here waiting for.

Drag: So... what are we supposed to do?

(pause)

Luna: Laugh?

(They all laugh.)