Characters:
Narrator
Stallion
Binary Girl
Birthday Boy / Tom
Peaseblossom

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Stallion and Binary Girl in "Happy Birthday."

(Binary Girl and Stallion are preparing for the first interview.)

BG: (both) So, how is this going to work?

S: Basically, I looked over the applicants and picked out the most likely candidates. I weeded out the obvious riff raff, so hopefully we won’t end up with another "Kick Man".

BG: (both) No, I mean today. What are we doing today?

S: One candidate will join us on Guard Duty. We interview him-

BG: (both) Or her.

S: Actually, no- It’s a him. We interview him, and basically get a general sense of who he is. And if we get a call while they’re here… more’s the better. We can get an idea of how they do their job, and whether they’re right for the Guard.

BG: (both) So, who do we have today?

S: Here’s the file. I’m excited to meet him, he seems very promising. A real powerhouse. He should be here any minute.

BG: (pause, reading, then both) Is this… is this for real?

(Birthday Boy enters)

Bboy: Greetings, Earth Guard! I am Birthday Boy, the cosmic personification of birthdays, and the embodiment of the daily essence. I thank you for accepting my application to your illustrious Guard, and look forward to helping to champion the cause of good will towards men and the righting of wrongs! Such is the eternal duty of I… (explosion of energy) Birthday Boy!

(pause)

BG: (both) OK. (comes together) Hi, there.

Bboy: (almost dismissive…) Miss. Greetings, Stallion! It is truly an honor to meet the amazing leader of the Earth Guard. I am Birthday Boy!

S: Yes, I heard that. It’s good to finally meet you, I’ve heard a lot about your exploits. Welcome to the Guard Tower. This is Binary Girl.

Bboy: Yes. It’s good to be here! I’ve often seen the exploits of your Guard on the Earth television programs! I’ve often thought it would befit me to join forces with you, since our ends do tend to be so similar: working for the good of all men!

BG: Of all people.

Bboy: Yes, sometimes! When I heard that you were looking to replace your lost comrades, I knew this was my moment to shine- to show the Guard just what it would get with a galactic avatar on your side!

S: Well… thank you. I look forward to finding out exactly what that would be like. So… We’d like to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind.

Bboy: But of course! Whatever you’d like to know, I, Birthday Boy, can tell you, be it the exact diameter of the sun or the distance to the end of the universe!

BG: I think he meant about you.

S: Yes. For example… what exactly are your powers?

Bboy: Of course! As the cosmic personification of birthdays, I can tap into the vast wellspring of the energy of universal birth, the bottomless source of all things living!

(pause)

S: Ok. Good… Which… means what, practically speaking?

Bboy: I can fly, I have great strength, and impervious to most forms of harm, and can fire blasts of energy from my very hands!

S: Ah! An impressive array.

Bboy: And, you’ll find, more than adequate to fight the types of super-criminals the Earth Guard tends to fight!

BG: And… (flipping through file) you shape shift, as well?

Bboy: … No.

BG: Oh. I just… in these pictures of your different appearances, you look different every time…

Bboy: Yes!

(pause)

S: I think she’s asking why that would be.

Bboy: I… am the cosmic personification of birthdays. The embodiment of the daily essence.

S: So you’ve said, yes. But I think, again, what she is asking is what that means?

Bboy: Ah, I see! Heh. I shall indulge you, for her sake.

BG: What?

Bboy: Each day of the year has its own essence, as you know. It is through this essence that every person born on each day is bonded together as one. As each day arrives, I (as the embodiment of that essence) can manifest through those bonded individuals, bringing with me all the power and persona of the collective essence of that day’s individuals. For example, today I come before you in the form of Thomas Schneiderman from Newark, New Jersey. I chose his body for the obvious benefit of his physique, which, as you can see, suits me well. But I could just as easily have come in the body of Edward Kravitz from Des Moines, or Gustav Lustig from Berlin.

BG: Let me get this straight. You don’t have a body of your own, you just take over the bodies of someone whose birthday it is? What if you got them killed?

Bboy: Not to worry! I would move to another body.

BG: Oh, thank God!

S: So, were you to join the guard, you would have a different body every time we saw you?

Bboy: For the first year, at least! And not just the body.

S: Meaning what?

Bboy: My personality as well. No two days are alike. Today is October 5th, which means I am quick to grasp new situations in a creative way, I like to keep busy but need to pace myself, am capable in business but need to be sure to keep my focus, my lucky color is green, and my lucky numbers are 5, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, and 77. If I were to have come up tomorrow, October 6th, I’d have been a bundle of sheer idealism and wild ambitions, whose-

BG: You’ve got to be kidding me. So you’re essentially Astrology Man.

Bboy: No, miss. Birthday Boy.

BG: (scoff)

S: At any rate… you referred earlier to your eternal duty. What is that, exactly?

Bboy: Good will towards men and the righting of wrongs! Working for the good of all men!

BG: People.

Bboy: You keep saying that-

S: What I mean is… you said ‘eternal duty’. Who appointed you to this Duty, and why is it eternal?

Bboy: I am the personification of Birthdays! A birthday should be a happy occasion, therefore, with all my spectacular and unfathomable power, I cannot abide suffering on my birthday!

S: And it’s always your birthday. Very noble of you.

Bboy: Of course!

BG: Hang on. What about time zones? It can be one day in California, and the next day in New York.

Bboy: Don’t be ridiculous. Your Earth times are irrelevant to the daily essence. My power functions on the true cosmic universal time.

S: That makes sense. But again, for practicality’s sake, what would that translate to, in Earth time?

Bboy: Roughly US Eastern Standard Time. Not in Daylight Savings.

S: Thank you.

BG: What? No, that- that doesn’t make any sense. Why would universal time operate on a 24-hour, 365 day cycle? That’s preposterous.

S: Binary Girl…

Bboy: (scoff) How little you understand of the universe. Obviously, life can only exist on planets with roughly 24-hour rotation and 365.25 day revolution. Although, why I expected you to understand that, I don’t know.

BG: (split) Excuse me?

Bboy: You are a-

S: I’m sure what he means is that… we, as people of Earth, have less experience in the realm of intergalactic life.

BG: (both) Ah, but the Jovian Gas Lords come from Jupiter, which-

Bboy: Ha! I’d hardly consider them alive.

BG: (Both) Oh, nice! So we should just scatter them into atoms, then, is that it?

S: Binary Girl, please! Birthday Boy is our Guest here, and he-

BG: (both) But he started it!

S: Barbara!

BG: (both scoff, then she reforms into one) Fine.

S: Thank you. Now, Birthday Boy, as you were saying.

Bboy: Thank you, Stallion. Yes, as I was saying… the Jovians are made out of gas! Do you grant rights to every breath you exhale? Or every time you pass gas? Of course not. You do not even grant rights to all the species indigenous to your planet! And rightly not. I refer to humanoid life, obviously, as the universally dominant lifeform.

BG: Oh really? Well, you don’t even have a body of your own, so why should we consider you alive? (scoff) Next thing, you’ll be telling us you’re called Birthday Boy because English is the true universal language!

Bboy: Don’t be foolish! I can speak every language spoken by those connected through this date’s essence. I call myself Birthday Boy for you, because you speak English, but I would translate the name into whichever language necessary.

S: There, you see? Are you satisfied now, Barbara? He would just be Birthday Boy in another language. Now, can I-

BG: Or "Birthday Girl".

Bboy: What?

BG: Birthday Girl. If you took over the body of girl, you would be Birthday Girl.

Bboy: Why on Earth would I do that?

BG: Change your name?

Bboy: No, take the body of a girl.

BG: (split) What?

Bboy: (amused at the idea) Imagine! Taking a female body! Do you think I use my awesome abilities to do… housework?

BG: (both) Excuse me?!?

PB: (incoming) Attention Guard! Attention Guard! Alert!

S: Peaseblossom! Is there an emergency!

PB: I should say so! ‘Tis Boulder on the move! He runs amok in fair Los Angeles! We must act now, before the brute should prove the death of one of your mortal beauties!

Bboy: I can handle this! I’ll just jump into the body of someone in the vicinity, grab this "Boulder", and fly him into orbit! I don’t need to breathe, if I don’t want to.

S: What the hell, give it a shot. I’ll take the Horse, and-

Tom: (Not Bboy any more, a normal guy) What… what am I doing here? What’s going on?

S: Oh, for… Binary Girl! Take care of him! I’m on the job!

BG: (both) What? Stallion, I- (Stallion leaves)

Tom: Hey… you’re that… lesbian chick, right? Sweet!

BG: (both scoff)