Characters:
Narrator
Peaseblossom
Binary Girl
Bumblebee

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Binary Girl and Peaseblossom in "Shrinking Interest."

(Peaseblossom and Binary Girl are in the Guard Tower together.)

BG: So…

PB: Mmm… Yes…

BG: (quiet) … stop… (normal) so, I hear this is the last interview.

PB: Oh? (giggle)

BG: (quiet) no, stop it… (normal) Yeah. Bumblebee is the last candidate. Tomorrow’s the meeting to vote.

PB: Is it? Mmmmhmmhmhmmhmmmmm…

BG: Honey, no!

PB: But, fairest one! We’ve time before-

BG: (split) No!

PB: Ahh, yes! Now there are two of you to-

BG: (both) Pease, please! Stop it!

PB: Barabara! Wherefore dost thou rebuff me so?

BG: (both) We’re on Guard duty!

PB:… and?

BG: (both) Last time we… did that on duty, we wound up captured by a group of villains who nearly took down the entire Guard!

PB: Yes?

BG: (both) So, that was a bad thing!

PB: There are no villains here, as there were then! We’ll have no need to leave the room to hide…(getting all… sexy on her again) we can stay here, as I take both of your-

BG: (both) Peaseblossom! (remerge) We’re not going to do that on Guard Duty… again.

PB: Oh…

BG: Why can’t we just… talk?

PB: if that is what you wish… go right ahead.

BG: Good. (pause) So… (pause) um.

PB: Enough of this! I need to have you now!

BG: (split) No!

(door opens, and Bumblebee enters)

Bee: Oh! Don’t mind me.

BG: (both) Ahhh! (remerge) Oh, God, I’m sorry! We weren’t- it wasn’t-

Bee: Please, don’t let me stop you. I can wait. I’m in the Guard Tower! I can find something to… busy myself.

PB: (attitude) No need. Apparently, we two are through.

BG: Pease! We’ll talk about this later, ok? (to Bee) I’m so sorry! Please, come in, make yourself at home.

Bee: You two certainly do.

BG: No, we just… no, we were-

PB: I was attempting to make love to her, but she rejected me at every turn.

Bee: Now, that I find hard to believe. She rejected a sexy thing like you?

BG: (split) Now, wait a second-

PB: Indeed! I marvel at her bold restraint!

BG: (both) It’s called responsibility!

Bee: I don’t think I’d be able to hold back myself.

BG: (both) Now, listen here-

PB: I doubt it would ever come up, for you. I can’t see offering my perfect form to one as… portly as you seem to be. What would the papers think, if they found out?

BG: (both) Pease!

Bee: That’s your loss. You’d be surprised at some of the things I can do… especially with my powers.

PB: Oh, really? Well-

BG: (both, shouting) All right, that’s enough! Both of you! Sit down!(pause) Ah-ah! You! Sit over there. (beat, reforms) Thank you. Now, despite what you think you saw… but didn’t, because we weren’t doing anything… and not because I don’t want to, just because we don’t do that on Guard duty… despite what you think you saw, this is not a meat market, and we actually have crime-fighting responsibilities. Those are the qualifications we’re looking into at this interview… right, Peaseblossom?

PB: Of course.

Bee: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for us to get off on the wrong foot.

PB: Sometimes, I get off-

BG: (split) Peaseblossom!

PB: I merely-

BG: (both) We’re interviewing now! (remerge)

PB: I know! So… Bumblebee, is that correct?

Bee: Yep, that’s me. Well, my real name is Susie. Susie Silver. Well, it’s really Silverberg, but I usually go by Silver.

BG: All right, that’s fine. We don’t need to know all that yet. Tell us about these powers of yours? Just what exactly can you do?

Bee: Normally, I can’t do much. Two years ago, I was caught in a freak blast of Alpha-Omega rays caused by one of the Creationist’s blasts.

BG: Your powers come from the Creationist?

Bee: Don’t worry, I’m not some kind of Jesus-freak. I was just an innocent bystander. You were both there. Remember when he set up two-thirds of an eye in Kansas? That was in my hope town. I was the girl who snuck past the police barricade?

PB: I do remember that.

BG: Yes, yes. Continue.

Bee: They rushed me to the hospital which… is sensible since I’d been given a fatal blast of radiation. But the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. So after about a month of tests, they tell me my body is generating a low-level of strange energy they can’t identify. But it’s not enough to do anything, to speak of. At best, I can discharge it, which, if I’m touching you, gives you this nice tingly-massage feeling. Here- let me show you.

BG: No, that’s not- Oh. Oh, wow. That… feels really good.

Bee: And I can generate it from any-

PB: And how, pray tell, does this help you fight crime?

BG: Can you go a little lower? No, just- AH! There… yes…

PB: Barbara!

BG: Sorry! Yes, thank you. We can go back to that later.

PB: Pardon me!

BG: Questions, right. So, yes, if you only have that low level-

Bee: That’s what I thought. Useless, right? Well, no, not useless… but, not hero caliber. Until I realized that I can do this. (she shrinks to miniature size, voice becomes high) When I shrink down to this size, that low-level energy is focused and honed. I can use it to make myself fly around- see? And I can fire these really painful concussive blasts… which I won’t demonstrate on you, because… well, it really hurts. Like I said. (grows back to larger size) And that’s about it, as far as the crime fighting applications of my abilities. Other uses, we can discuss later.

BG: Hm. Hmm hmm… So, why do you want to join the Earth Guard?

Bee: Are you kidding? It’s been a dream of mine forever! Why do you think I snuck past that barricade? I wanted to get close to the Guard! The Stallion! The Jack! Peaseblossom! I mean, these are the kinds of people you see on TV! People I read about every week in the Password! The fact that I was even considered for the job is… a dream come true!

PB: So you would say… you’re a fan of the Guard?

Bee: Fan? No, I… well, yes. But now that I’m a hero, I’m a peer of the Guard, too. And let me tell you, being here, being in the actual Guard tower with some actual Guard members… I’m even more determined than ever to make this happen. I need to be a member of the Guard. I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

PB: Just what, exactly, did you have in mind?

BG: If it’s anything like that backrub-

Bee: Well, actually-

BB: (incoming comm) Guard Tower! Come in! This is Broadband!

BG: What- yes- what? Nothing! Broadband!

BB: What was that, Barbara?

BG: Nothing, no, what’s the emergency?

BB: Old Man Thunder is attacking Disney World… for some reason. We’ve got to call out the Guard. You’re there with- who, Peaseblossom and Bumblebee? I’m going to need some help here!

PB: Is it truly pressing? Can we have a-

BB: It’s Old Man Thunder, Peaseblossom! Spaceship Earth is already rolling through fake China! I need backup now!

PB: But do you need all three of us for this? Perhaps if Bumblebee and could stay…

BG: Peaseblossom! We’ll be right there, Broadband!

Bee: Maybe afterwards, sweetie.

BG: Unfortunately, she has a photoshoot at four. But I should be free.

PB: The photoshoot will wait till I arrive.

BG: You made a commitment. Wouldn’t want you to break a commitment.

PB: But when commitments back out on you, then-

Bee: Wasn’t there an emergency we should be dealing with?

BG: Right. Crap. (comm) Attention Earth Guard! Report to Disney World, Epcot Center, ASAP! Old Man Thunder is causing another ruckus. And um. We should hurry.

Bee: (shrinking) Now you can see what I’m really good for.

PB: We certainly will…

BG: (split, annoyed) Let’s go!