Characters:
Narrator
Binary Girl
Stallion / Birthday Boy

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Binary Girl and The Stallion in “Two Down."

(Binary Girl and the Stallion are in the tower. Binary Girl is split, weeping.)

Stal: It’s all right… it’s all right, let it out.

BG: (both) I couldn’t find her anywhere! I tried everything! (cries)

Stal: Shhh…. I know, I know… It’s going to be ok…

BG: (both) Her apartment is emptied out… her agent hasn’t heard from her… she even missed a photo shoot! (cries)

Stal: It’s just a photo-shoot, it doesn’t mean-

BG: (both) Just a photo-shoot? Super-Hot was naming her their sexiest woman alive! Peaseblossom wouldn’t miss that for anything! She’s obviously… she’s obviously gone! (bawls)

Stal: She probably just… needed a break. I’m sure she’s on the shore of some tropical island, sipping on a cocktail-

BG: (both) Come on, you know as well as I do that isn’t true! It would be all over The Password! If Peaseblossom goes to a restroom without me, they do an exposé saying we’re breaking up! If she were in some tropical locale mingling with girls in bikinis, they’d have a field day! And it’s not like she can hide- she’s blue, for Christ’s sake! She’s gone!

Stal: Then where could she-

BG: (both) She probably went back to her home! Back to Fairy, back to the land of Kaerna-til!

Stal: But… but she was banished! She can’t-

BG: (both) Don’t you think I know that? Once they realize she’s back… she’ll be executed! She’ll… she’ll… (cries)

Stal: Don’t give up hope… we can… we can find a way to contact her, to go to-

BG: (both) Humans can’t go to the world of Fairy! It’s impossible! There’s nothing we can do! It’s hopeless! Pease… Peaseblossom is as good as dead. (cries harder)

Stal: Oh, Barbara… I’m so… so sorry. I know… I know what it’s like to lose someone you care about. When Foal died…

BG: (both, angry) Foal? (re-merge) God, why do you always have to turn everything around so it’s about you? Foal died fighting crime! Foal died doing what she believed in! It was her choice, get over it! I’m losing Pease over… Jesus, I don’t even know what I’m losing her over! She’s just gone, and we don’t even know why! I mean, ‘have not the decency to remain true to her’? What does she even mean?

Stal: Well… I hate to bring it up… I don’t want to seem insensitive… but she might have been referring to the… situation with Bumblebee.

BG: (mad) What? What do you know about our ‘situation’ with Bumblebee?

Stal: I happen to know she was secretly having an affair with not one, but both of you.

BG: (splits, angry) We weren’t having affairs with her, you idiot, we were having threesomes! Er… foursomes. (recombine) And do you really think I’d jeopardize our relationship like that? Nobody was keeping any secrets from anyone! Anyway, secrets are almost impossible where Bumblebee is concerned. She doesn’t see sex as anything to be ashamed of, so she never hides it.

Stal: She… really. I hadn’t… realized that.

BG: You didn’t think… you didn’t think that you and her was a secret, did you?

Stal: I don’t see how any relations I may or may not be having-

BG: She’s sleeping with everyone! She talks about it all the time! How could you not know?

Stal: I thought it was just… you know… the talk people talk when… they’re…

BG: You thought she was just talking dirty? And that got you-

Stal: Can we drop this and get back to talking about your runaway girlfriend, please?

BG: (Split, pause, shocked, noise of disbelief, tearing up) Screw you, Stallion. Just…

Stal: Barbara, no… I’m sorry, I-

BG: (Both) Screw you! (cries)

Stal: I’m sorry, Barbara, I shouldn’t have said that. I was out of line. Peaseblossom is a member of the Earth Guard, and of course, I care about what happens to her. I respect her more than any-

BG: (both) No… (re-merge) No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be yelling at you. It’s not your fault, I’m just… I’m taking it out on you, and you don’t deserve it. You didn’t chase Peaseblossom away. I guess… (split) I guess I did! (cries)

Stal: Shhh, no. No, it’s not your fault. Your feelings are completely understandable, you don’t have to apologize. Come on, now… You know, if you want to go home and rest, I’d understand. I can handle things here.

BG: (both) No, I… (sniff, re-merge) I can pull it together. I don’t want to leave you all alone, it’s almost midnight.

Stal: It’s really not a problem. You’ve got a lot on you mind.

BG: (sniff) If I went home now, I’d just spend the night eating chocolate. I don’t think I can sleep tonight. But I was hoping to talk to you about that…

Stal: What?

BG: About whether the Guard can handle itself… without me.

Stal: Oh, I… I see.

BG: (split) I don’t mean to leave you in the lurch or anything… I mean, I know Peaseblossom is gone now, and Captain Fantasy is on leave… but I just don’t think I can do this. Not now. (re-merge, now, this is her really opening up) Stallion… Peaseblossom meant the world to me. I… I really do love her. With her gone… with her… probably dead… I just need some time. I came in today because I don’t leave people in the lurch if I can help it… but if you could take me off the active roster for the foreseeable future, I think that would be for the best. I hope… I hope I’m not letting you down. I know the rest of you… (tears up) the rest of you are strong. The rest of you seem to be able to just… pick up and keep going, tragedy after tragedy. You didn’t stop when Foal died. You didn’t give up when you were framed for high treason. You didn’t quit when you were trapped in another dimension and replaced by an army of zombie Stallion clones. Me… I can’t even carry on through losing one little lover… I’m sorry. (sniff) But I’ll be back. Someday… when I can, I’ll be back. So… (trying to lighten the mood a smidge) what do you say, boss? Can I have the time off?

Bboy: (the Stallion has now been possessed by the entity known as Birthday Boy) I can’t imagine that would be a problem. I don’t see how a girl like you could help much anyway.

BG: What?

Bboy: Not when Birthday boy is here to replace you!

BG: (Splits) What?

Bboy: It is I, Birthday Boy, the cosmic personification of birthdays, and the embodiment of the daily essence! I had hoped to be greeted by some of the other amazing heroes of the Earth Guard, like Dr. Fast, or Mr. Fahrenheit, but I suppose you’ll do for now. Especially since you’re leaving!

BG: (both) What the hell are you doing here?

Bboy: I am Birthday Boy! I am a hero! I champion the cause of good will towards men! What better place to do so than from the headquarters of the planet’s most powerful heroes?

BG: (both) But you’re not a member of the-

Bboy: Oh, yes I am! It’s 12:01 AM on April 13th.

BG: (both) That must be-

Bboy: The Stallion’s Birthday! Did he not tell you? He is a part of the daily essence of April 13th! Since I am the embodiment of that daily essence, I am a member of the Earth Guard today! For April 13th, I am outspoken, alert, and quick to act and speak. I prefer to speak than to listen. My lucky colors are electric blue, electric white, and-

BG: (both) You don’t belong here!

Bboy: I do so! I’m just as much the Stallion as I am Birthday Boy! Even if he won’t remember any of this after I leave.

BG: (both) But you can’t just… take the Stallion’s body! He’s the leader of the Earth Guard! We need him!

Bboy: Of course you do! And I, Birthday Boy, will fill his shoes admirably, if I do say so myself! As the personification of birthdays, I have the power and ability of all men born on this day! I use this to fight for the good of all mankind, and what better body is there for me to use this power from than the Stallion’s? My abilities added to his own natural skill make us an amazing crimefighting force to be reckoned with!

BG: (both) That’s completely- All right… all right, look. (re-merge) Let’s look at this logically. Sure, the Stallion with your powers added on is nice, but if you were to take some other body, say, somewhere else, then there would be two crimefighters where there is only one: you and the Stallion.

Bboy: (laughs) Silly girl! Your mistake is to assume that the Stallion and I are merely the sum of our parts! In fact we are so much more! I am Birthday Boy, and when I tap into the bottomless wellspring of the energy of universal birth, my power increases my host’s own exponentially! Together, we are far more than I would be elsewhere!

BG: But the Stallion is also an expert strategist and leader, which-

Bboy: Of course he is! And as the embodiment of the daily essence, I am as well! I also know brain surgery, nuclear physics, rocket science, and the entire US Tax code! More than enough to make up for the Stallion, even if you add on a magical perfect Japanese wife gone astray! I bet you could even throw Peaseblossom on as well, and I’d-

BG: (splits) WHAT did you say?!

Bboy: I said you could even throw Peaseblossom on as well, and I bet-

BG: (both) No! About ME, you moron!

Bboy: I am no moron, miss, I am Birthday Boy! And personally, I find it saddening that someone whose powers were designed to make them into a quiet and submissive housewife would be accepted into the Earth Guard! Not that I object to the powers, as they seem a noble cause! But whose idea was it to allow you on a team of superheroes?

BG: (both) The… the Stallion’s.

Bboy: Oh, yes! I remember now. Ah well! No one is perfect! I will forgive the Stallion this mistake, as he does fight for the good of all man on a regular basis.

BG: He said… (re-merges) he said I would be a valuable resource… that I thought quickly and I did the best Aikido he’d ever seen.

Bboy: Obviously, he’d never met me at the time! Today I have the knowledge of four Aikido masters, including one who studied under Koichi Tohei himself! And can you think this fast- Hai!

(he strikes at her, she splits, and tosses him over her shoulders into the wall)

Bboy: Uhg! All right… obviously I shouldn’t have gone easy on you, woman or no. Well, let’s see you defend against-

BG: (both) No, you win.

Bboy: Of course I win! I am Birthday Boy! I’ve never lost anything in my life!

BG: (both) Fine. I’m leaving. The Guard tower is yours. Tell the Stallion why I left. Tell him… tell him whatever you want. I can’t deal with you right now. (leaves)

Bboy: Excellent! At last I, Birthday Boy, am a member of the Earth Guard! Now, on to protecting all of mankind! (pause) So, what do I… what do I do now? Do I just… wait here? (pause) I guess I can wait. (pause) Birthday Boy!