Characters:
Narrator
Pandy
Bobby
George Batista
Director
Caleb
Announcer

Narr: Pandora Darling and Bobby Kurtzman stood frozen in their spots in the entryway of Pandora’s house. Pandora, having discovered tapes that her mother left behind, and having met a friend of Hope’s at the Carousel Academy School of Karate, was starting to put things together. To Bobby’s delight, she had agreed to take up her mother’s cause fighting whatever conspiracy there was to be fought – the conspiracy that had taken her Mother’s life. The problem was that there were so many CASKs to be dealt with that Pandy and Bobby didn’t know where to begin. And now Tabitha Wentworth, Pandy’s former best friend, was establishing an organization that may or may not have CASK as its acronym. Just as Pandy and Bobby were listing the various CASK people that may be connected: Jason Brandt, Greasy Ralph from the dojo, Caleb from Caleb and Special K, and now possibly Tabitha, Pandy’s doorbell rang and she and Bobby braced themselves for the “socially knowledgable” teen that waited on the other side of the door.

(fx: doorbell)

Pandy: Bobby, you get the door. I’ll be right there.

Bobby: What are you doing?

Pandy: Making sure my best friend doesn’t have the chance to do something stupid.

(fx: doorbell)

Bobby: Okay, remember the part about Dahmer crazy that we were just talking about?

Narr: But it was too late; Pandora had disappeared into the hallway and Bobby was left alone in the entryway to decide whether or not to open the door. (fx: doorbell) He took a deep breath and answered the bell.

Bobby: Huh!?

George: What are you doing here?

Bobby: I could ask you the same thing. I don’t think Pandy wants to see you.

Pandy: (from other room) Coming!

Bobby: (a little panicked – he doesn’t like George but doesn’t want him to die, either) In fact, I know she doesn’t want to see you. You should leave.

Pandy: (as if walking into the room, so kind of calling to him) Don’t chase her away, Bobby, I need to talk to- (normal voice, as if near the door) George!?

George: Pandora? Is this…a bad time?

Pandy: (flustered, covering) Oh, no, of course not, I was just, uh, building something in the basement.

George: …and you brought your tools up to answer the door?

Pandy: Yeah?

George: Is that a hacksaw?

Pandy: Uh, yeah. It’s thick wood. So, what are you doing here?

George: Well, I felt terrible about the way things were left at Homecoming-

Pandy: You did?

George: Of course. People of our stature shouldn’t be fighting. And besides, I have an invitation for you, so I thought I would come over and give you a chance to make up for your uncouth behavior at the dance.

Pandy: Excuse you?

Bobby: (taking some sort of breath, or hesitating, to show that he’s gathering courage) Why don’t you just back off, buddy?

George: I’m sorry, are you still here? Pandora and I are trying to have an adult conversation. Don’t you have some toys you can go play with somewhere?

Pandy: What is your-

Bobby: Listen, George “Batty” Pandy and I are dating, you hear? She’s my girlfriend and she won’t have you disrespecting me- I mean…I won’t have you disrespecting her. And whatever your invitation is, she’s not interested. She doesn’t want to be seen in public with you. Ever. (a little “hmph” noise because he’s kind of faltering after being so brave)

George: (scoffing) Well I doubt that’s the case, but why don’t you let Pandora speak for herself, eh? After all, she is a (as if he’s tickling her chin, since this is sooooo cute) liberated woman. Pandora, my father is modeling in a benefit exhibition this evening over at the events center. The benefit is being sponsored by the Agency to Save the Koalas. Did you know the koala is actually endangered? I know how you women go ga-ga over cute little furry animals, and over, well, me. So I thought you’d like to accompany me to the soiree.

Bobby: She’d like no such-

Pandy: Of course I’ll go, George.

Bobby: What!?

George: I knew you would. No one can resist the Batista charm.

Bobby: (quieter, to Pandy) Pandy, what are you-

Pandy: (to George, but speaking carefully in order to get Bobby to understand) Ever since the Agency to Save the Koalas opened a chapter in Carousel (hesitates to see if Bobby gets it, and keeps going when he clearly doesn’t) you know, the Carousel Agency to Save the Koalas…I’ve been dying to go to one of their benefits. Thank you very much for the invitation, George.

Bobby: (loudly realizing what’s going on) OH! (immediately changing to on over-exaggerated faked disappointment) I mean, ohhhh (=()

George: Wonderful. I’ll pick you up at seven. Wear something….sophisticated.

Pandy: (slightly sarcastic) I think I can rummage something up.

George: Perfect. Ta for now, Potato.

Narr: Bobby closed the door and turned to Pandy, who looked on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Pandy: (pretty much hyperventilating) What- did he- just- call me?

Bobby: (rushed, trying to calm her down) Maybe it’s not what it seems, maybe it’s just a common nickname for…for… (failing miserably) no, you’re right, Pandy, that was really weird.

Pandy: What am I going to do???

Bobby: You’re going to go to the gala with George and be extremely careful. He’s clearly in deeper than we thought. And I’m going with you.

Pandy: Bobby! You’re a genius!

Bobby: Huh?

Narr: That evening, at seven sharp, a white stretch limo pulled up outside Pandora’s house. Pandora walked down her front steps in a maroon ballgown of her mother’s with a bustle in the back, which housed a battery pack. A wire ran up her back and over her shoulder to a floral brooch that doubled as a microphone. She sported very tiny ear buds that were linked to Bobby’s microphone.

Pandy: (challenging but charming) Sophisticated enough for you?

George: You look ravishing, Pandora. Your chariot awaits.

Bobby: (mocking George) Your chariot awaits.

Narr: Bobby was driving his car to the events center in a just-too-large suit the kids had found behind a secret panel of Hope’s closet. His right cufflink housed a microphone which ran to a small battery pack in his breast pocket. His left cufflink served as a low-radius listening device. He also had earbuds that picked up Pandora’s microphone activity. He was already sick of hearing George and Pandy on their pseudo-date. The pseudo-couple entered the events center to familiar music.

Pandy: (overly enthusiastic, saying things slightly loudly for Bobby’s benefit) Wow, George, is that Caleb and Special K? It would be great to have backstage passes to meet them.

George: Oh, they aren’t seeing anyone. They, uh, just switched bassists and it’s been a little traumatic for them. But it’s not like you need passes anyway, the backstage area is open. Come, let’s get some punch and take a seat near the runway. My father will be opening the show.

Narr: George and Pandy sat in the front row on the side of the runway as Caleb and Special K finished their last set. Bobby took the appropriate cue from the conversation he overheard and snuck around backstage just in time to see the director of the Agency to Save the Koalas conversing with the band.

(note: the following conversation should be kind of hushed)

Director: Thank you boys so much for playing our event, I know that you’ve come on hard times recently. Here is a check for your services, I think you’ll find it more than adequate. And, for your heartache, I will do you the favor of letting you know that Code Name: Potato is in attendance with Agent Baby Thong. They are in the front row together.

Caleb: Thank you. We do appreciate it. We’ve all suffered losses at her and her mother’s hands. It’s time they were stopped.

Director: Now that she is being escorted by Agent Baby Thong he will be able to help us close the deal once and for all. His reports indicate that she is helpless to his charms, and will end up going out, if not going home, with him at the end of the evening.

Caleb: Then what a coincidence it will be when the band happens to be out celebrating this wonderful gig at the same time they are out.

Director: And when major members of the Agency just happen to stumble upon the action.

Caleb: Coincidences are great things, aren’t they.

Director: We just ask that you leave Code Name: Potato alive. Torture her as you will, but there are others who should have the privilege of exacting the ultimate revenge.

Caleb: Message received loud and clear.

Narr: Before Bobby knew what he was doing, he flew feet first into the director’s back, knocking her forward into Caleb, who fell backwards, impaled on the blunt rod of the high-hat. The wood of the electric guitar between them cracked and the strings whined as they snapped. Seeing blood bubbling out of Caleb’s mouth, Bobby jumped up quickly and landed with his elbow hard on the director’s back, pushing them both down further on the rod. As the announcer introduced the first model on stage-

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, world renowned underwear model Francesco Batista, sporting a brand new olive green and purple striped thong designed by…(fade out)

Narr: The bassist and drummer lunged at Bobby. The young boy reached up to the ribbon of his fedora and pull out a large blade. He jumped a little and spun midair, slicing both the band members’ throats in almost the same instant. He landed on his feet, his eyes darting back and forth to see if anyone else was oncoming. Miraculously, no one seemed to have heard and he ran to a corner of the backstage area, his mouth almost glued to his cufflink.

Bobby: (hushed) Pandy, code red or whatever! (switch to over recording, as if Pandy is hearing this.) Get somewhere where we can talk, and fast!

Pandy: Excuse me…(grossed out) darling. I need to use the little girls’ room.

George: Alright, hurry back though. My father will be on again soon.

Pandy: Can’t wait. (pause, then hushed into her mic) Bobby, hold one minute while I make sure the bathroom is clear. (beat) Okay, what’s going on?

Bobby: (over speaker) You’re in serious danger! George is involved with this at a high level. He plans to take you out and members of CASK are going to ambush you! They’re going to kill you, Pandy.

Pandy: Oh my god…where did you hear all this?

Bobby: (over speaker) Caleb and Special K were talking to someone from the Koala Agency. They’re all dead now, but we need to get you out of here!

Pandy: They’re dead!?

Bobby: (over speaker) No time to explain. I’m clearing the backstage now, I’ll be behind a corner curtain stage right. Hurry!

Pandy: Okay, George and I will be there shortly. Over and out. (pause, then louder and gushing too much) Oh, George, your father is brilliant. I’ve never seen anyone model a thong quite so expertly.

George: I know.

Pandy: Listen, Georgie-poo, I really want to meet Caleb. I know they’re changing ranks and stuff, but it’s been my life’s dream for the past, like, 6 months! Pleeeaaaase can we go backstage?

George: Well, since you asked so sweetly, I suppose I can do something.

Narr: Pandora followed George backstage to find the remnants of bloody massacre that had taken place pulled into a corner behind a curtain, and Bobby pacing back and forth.

George: Hey, what the-

Pandy: Bobby! Did you do all this?

Bobby: Uh, YEAH!

Pandy: Wow…good job!

George: You two are SO. INCREDIBLY. STUPID. Do you realize what you’ve done?

Pandy: Well it would have been better if Bobby had left someone alive for questioning, but I guess you’ll have to do now.

George: (what a stupid suggestion) I’m not going anywhere.

Pandy: Okay, well, we can either take you with us and guarantee not to hurt you too badly if you cooperate, or we can call the police and have you put away for life.

George: (scoffs) And why exactly would the police want to put me away?

Bobby: Because you leaned on the door frame of Pandora’s house.

George: Is that a crime?

Pandy: No, but since you left your fingerprints on my door and we have technology to superimpose them on other surfaces, the razor Bobby used to kill two band members has your prints on it, not his. I imagine as soon as someone finds this mess they’ll be looking for you.

Bobby: So you can come quietly and tell us what we need to know, or we can go find a security officer.

George: (hesitating, angry) Alright. But let’s not make a scene while we leave. I’ll cooperate.

Pandy: We know you will. (fx: pistol cocking)

Bobby: Let’s go, Agent Baby Thong.

Pandy: (amused, confused) What?

George: Oh, shut up.

Narr: George and Pandy made their way to the front door, despite the polite protests of fellow Agency officials who did not understand George’s signals that something was amiss. Once outside, Pandy guided George through the thankfully populated parking lot around to the deserted side of the building near the loading dock, where Bobby had brought his car.

Pandy: Quick, Bobby! Tazer!

George: What? (fx: tazing or buzzing sound) AAUUUGHH!

Bobby: Catch him!

Pandy: Rope! (struggling sounds and weak yells from George) Do you have something heavy? He’s a handful.

(fx: thump)

Pandy: That works. Tie him up and let’s get him home.

Narr: Shortly, in Pandy’s basement…

George: (horrified screams – he found a dead mangled body)

Pandy: I almost forgot we still had Dr. Feelgood down here.

Bobby: He’s growing on me. He certainly is a good scare tactic.

Pandy: (to George) Okay, George. I’m going to tell you this once. When I went to the bathroom, I left my compact there. This lipstick from my purse is actually a detonator. The gala will be over in about….an hour and a half. You have an hour to tell us everything we want to know, or we will blow up the events center and kill all of your friends and colleagues, not to mention your father. Then we will kill you. And trust me, George, it will not be slow and it will not be painless. When we are done with you’ll make Dr. Feelgood over here look like he’s ready for the runway. You get me?

Narr: Will George Batista give them the information that they want? Will he be alive after the night is over? Does Tabitha have anything to do with this? Tune in for next week’s episode of Like Daughter: Curious George.