Characters:
Narrator
Broadband
Captain Fantasy
Argus Panoptes
Newsman
Golden Eel
Stallion

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Broadband and Captain Fantasy in "Seeing Clearly."

(Broadband is in the tower, watching TV.)

Newsman: …recent satellite photos, showing the Lunar Kingdom on the moon. As these pictures show, the Kingdom appears to be in ruins. From all indications, the super-villain/creature known as "Boulder" appears to have run rampant through the small moon nation. Bodies of the so-called moonchildren appear to be strewn about the rubble, with evidence suggesting that clusters of survivors have run off into the harsh moon environs to escape the rampage.

BB: Sweet lord…

Newsman: This all raises the question, where is Lady Luna? Considering how outspoken Luna has been on the subject of the rights of these moon children, her absence now is highly notable. The self-declared Queen of the Moon escaped from the Powerhouse during the most recent breakout caused by Attractor, and it was widely assumed that she made her way back to the Kingdom, as she has so many times before.

BB: Someone needs to do something…

Newsman: In other, more terrestrial news, rumors have been circling regarding the Earth Guard interview of super-heroine The Golden Eel.

BB: Oh, for heaven’s sake.

Newsman: Eye-witnesses claim to have seen the heroine storming out of her local Earth Guard office, followed closely by Peaseblossom, who eventually caught up with her and seemed to talk her down. Contacted for comment, Golden Eel had this to say:

GE: I am still in the running for a place in the Earth Guard. There was a… miscommunication, but it’s all been worked out. The Earth Guard is a respected organization, and one I would be proud to be admitted to. Rumors of my… dissatisfaction have been blown far out of proportion. Thank you.

BB: Now, that’s a professional, eh, unit? That’s what a press secretary should sound like.

Newsman: The Guard themselves issued this statement. "We haven’t made a decision on any of the applicants yet, but when we do, it won’t be based on sexual preference, if that is even relevant to this particular issue, which it isn’t, so it won’t even come up, probably."

BB: (sigh)

(enter, Captain Fantasy and Argus, chatting.)

CF: That’s what I said, the first time I saw him! But he said "Stallion", so Stallion it is.

Argus: But Horseman just sounds better, and it has the double meaning.

CF: Plus, why does the Stallion ride the Horse, right?

Argus: Exactly! The Horseman rides the Horse!

BB: Ah, hello there. Brainframe, sound down.

Brainframe: I am in need of repairs.

CF: Oh, did you hear that? The brainframe is-

BB: No, I know. I know. I’ll get to it soon. I’ve been busy. So… where have you been? What’s going on, Captain?

CF: Oh, yes! Broadband, I’d like you to meet the All-Seeing Argus, the newest member of the Earth Guard.

BB: What?

Argus: Argus Panoptes. Nice to meet you.

BB: No, of course, my pleasure. I think, ah… can I speak to the good Captain in private for a moment?

Argus: Of course! Be my guest.

BB: If you don’t mind stepping out into the, ah, corridor…

Argus: Oh, sure, if it would make you more comfortable, but… it won’t really make a difference.

BB: What do you mean?

CF: He’s the all seeing Argus. He could see us anyway.

BB: Well, then if you’d be so good as to just humor me for a moment.

Argus: Of course! I am your guest here, after all. I shall return when you call for me.

(he leaves)

BB: Captain Fantasy, where have you been? You were supposed to be here two hours ago, and we were supposed to interview Argus at five!

CF: I was… oh see now, I got that all wrong.

BB: What have you two been doing?

CF: We just had dinner, had a few drinks. Argus is a good guy. He’ll be a great addition to our team. And he doesn’t dream! I can spend as much time with him as I want, and I have no idea what’s going on in his head! None, whatsoever!

BB: That’s another thing, Captain, you can’t just tell him he’s on the team like that, you don’t have the authority to offer him membership!

CF: Oh. I thought that was the whole point of the interviews, to get new members.

BB: We get information at the interviews, then the Guard as a whole votes for whether each is in or out.

CF: Oh. Well, I vote yes.

BB: Go get Argus, we need to conduct this interview.

Argus: (entering) Don’t blame Captain Fantasy, Broadband. I was having such a pleasant time talking with him, I neglected to mention that you were waiting up here for us, watching television. I noticed some time ago, but I forgot to bring it up.

BB: It’s… it’s all right, Argus. But we do need to conduct a formal interview, for the purposes of the Guard.

Argus: I understand.

BB: All right, well… since it’s already come up, what can you tell me about this ‘All-Seeing’ ability. You were able to see us from the hall, but did you hear us as well?

Argus: Sort of. It’s a little complicated. I actually use a sixth sense, which experiences sixth-dimensionally. I call it ‘sight’, but really, that’s just a metaphor that makes it easier for people to understand. For example, I was out in the corridor, and you were in here. If there were a window in the wall, you would not be surprised to find out that I could see you. Well, on a sixth dimensional level, there are no barriers between the corridor and the room, so I can "see" it clearly. In fact, there are no sixth dimensional barriers anywhere in our reality, so I can "see" (or "hear" or "smell", if you wish) anything anywhere, if I try.

CF: Which is kind of like me, if you think about it.

BB: What? How?

CF: I can see in the private inner workings of people’s minds, and he can see into people’s private places.

Argus: Although… I try not to use it that way, of course.

CF: Oh, no, of course not! But sometimes, I’m sure you accidentally check in on someone showering, or looking at pornography, or shining their robot in the nude.

BB: Captain! I told you-

CF: He wouldn’t have known it was you, until you said that! It was purely hypothetical!

BB: Captain… I am going to ask the Argus a few more questions, and then, when he leaves… we can discuss our… personal issues.

CF: But, I don’t want you to hit me!

BB: Captain!

CF: (whimper)

BB: Now, Argus. Do you have any other powers?

Argus: Yes. I can make myself and others invisible, and I can disguise myself as any other person.

BB: Really? Interesting. Now, why would you say you would make a good addition to the Earth Guard? What do you have to add to the team, as a whole?

Argus: Of course! I think I’d make an excellent addition to the Guard. True, my powers would not really be considered offensive capabilities, but I think the Guard has sufficient firepower that it could use someone like me, with more defensive and intelligence based abilities. I can ‘see’ the layout of buildings, the whereabouts of enemies; I’m unparalleled in reconnaissance. Add to that my stealth abilities, and I’d say my usefulness to the team is obvious. Sure, you guys can smash your way into a building and beat up everyone inside, but can you sneak in and out unnoticed?

BB: All excellent points. Very good answer.

CF: Oo, tell him about the tongue thing!

Argus: Oh, no, no.

BB: Hm? What’s that?

Argus: No, Captain, that was just for your benefit… I was just-

CF: It was amazing, he took a cherry stem, put it in his mouth, locked eyes with me then, using only his tongue and the inside of his mouth, he tied the stem in a knot! He had me pull it out of his mouth myself! I couldn’t believe it! AND he said he’d give me a private demonstration of his skills, if I wanted!

(pause)

CF: Isn’t that amazing?

BB: Very… very interesting.

Argus: I’m sorry about that, I was-

BB: No, it’s nothing. Not important at all.

CF: What?

BB: Moving on. What can you tell me about… how about your origins?

Argus: Yes, of course. I was in college, studying the teachings of the Zen masters and the Greek philosophers, when-

Stallion: (incoming)Attention Guard tower! This is the Stallion. Who’s on duty?

CF: Hey there, Stallion! How are-

BB: Broadband and Captain Fantasy here, with Argus Panoptes. What can we do for you, Stallion?

Stallion: Gasmask is pulling another bank job. He says if I try to come in, he’ll kill the tellers. I can’t risk putting them in harms way.

Argus: I can help with that! I can see inside the building, so we can wait until he’s in a more vulnerable position.

BB: We three will be right there, Stallion. I don’t think we’ll need the rest of the Guard on this one, just yet.

Stallion: All right, I’ll be waiting. We’re on the job.

CF: I love it when he says that.