Characters:
Narrator
Dr. Fast
Voodoo Lady
Dr. Rock

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Dr. Fast and Voodoo Lady in "Rocking the Boat."

(The tower is empty. Then, Voodoo Lady & Dr. Fast enter.)

VL: … wow.

DF: Hm.

VL: I’ve never seen Captain Fantasy so upset. Or lucid. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen him upset at all before; not really.

DF: He killed a man. I remember the first time something I did resulted in a death. It was years ago. I had a hold of the Tortoise as I outran a blast he’d set off. He punched me and wrenched himself out of my grip. He got caught directly in the path of fire. Roasted alive. Rationally, I knew it wasn’t my fault, but emotionally… No man can control his emotions, no matter how smart. I blamed myself. The guilt was crushing, it threw me into a spiral of depression. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t fight crime, I couldn’t relax. Only after I’d finally hit rock bottom could I begin climbing out of the pit of despair I’d sunken into.

VL: God, I’m so sorry, Irving, I had no idea. How… how long did it take you?

DF: Nearly five seconds.

VL: Five… seconds?

DF: That’s nearly an eternity for me! Do you know how much I can accomplish in five seconds? I cured sleeping in two point eight! Besides, I am a very rational man. I told you, it wasn’t my fault.

VL: By that scale, the good Captain should be over this in approximately eighty-three decades. Not only is he about as rational as a kick in the ear, but this actually does appear to be his fault. I mean, I had no problem going down and supporting him in the investigation- he’s a fellow Guard member, after all – but, Man! He squashed Gasmask like a bug!

DF: He said he thought he was a caterpillar.

VL: Does he always drop one ton of coinage on caterpillars?

DF: Apparently, he has a severe distaste for caterpillars.

VL: I mean, I know he’s always had trouble distinguishing between the dream world and reality, but come on. This is too much.

DF: Yes, I agree, it is strange. His delusions usually have a clearer one-to-one correspondence. This could indicate that the illness is getting worse.

VL: Wait… delusions?

DF: Yes, this whole "world of dreams". Clearly, it’s a delusion. I mean, only he can see, hear, feel, smell, or taste it. It is likely not real at all.

VL: God, you are such a- … Um. I mean, I… tend to disagree with that assessment. It doesn’t… feel right to just dismiss the entire thing because I can’t see it. Science isn’t everything, after all. You know what I mean?

DF: Yes, but I am basing my opinion on observable fact, and you are basing yours on a feeling, unsubstantial and unscientific. In addition, I am a doctor, having achieved over sixteen separate doctoral degrees, while you are a layperson. All told, I should say my opinion holds substantially more weight than yours, rationally speaking.

VL: I cannot believe you just- … No. You know what? Fine, it’s ok. I deserve that. Irving… Look, this is hard for me to say… but I want you to know… I’m really and truly sorry.

DF: … For what?

VL: (noise of shock) You insufferable-

(Dr. Rock enters.)

DR: Ah, hello there.

DF: You must be Doctor Rock.

DR: Yes, yes, I am. Dr. Fast and… Voodoo Lady, I presume? You’re even more stunning in person than in photographs.

VL: Why thank you, it’s nice to meet a doctor who is also a gentleman. Please, make yourself comfortable.

DR: Thank you very much. I hope you don’t mind, I brought a few personal effects with me. They make me feel a little more comfortable.

VL: Oh, um. Sure.

DR: Thank you very much. There… I always feel much better in my robe and slippers. Makes me more comfortable. Do you mind if I smoke my pipe?

DF: I’m afraid regulations forbid smoking in the workplace, due to the health hazards.

DR: What, cancer? I should have the cure ready any day now, but at any rate, no, this is specially engineered, non-carcinogenic, calcium rich tobacco. My own design. Do you mind?

VL: I guess not. Haven’t you been working on curing cancer, Dr. Fast?

DF: I’ve been busy. Now, Doctor, we’d like to ask you few questions about yourself. Beginning with your name. It’s something of a pet peeve of mine when people of superhuman abilities falsely utilize the title "Doctor". Are you, in fact, a doctor?

DR: Of course. Originally awarded a doctorate in cellular biology at age twenty, I have since gone on to earn an additional forty-seven degrees in everything from anthropology to theoretical mathematics.

DF: Forty-seven?!

VL: How many did you say you had, Irv? Sixteen?

DF: Over sixteen.

VL: So that’s… what? Seventeen?

DR: Although, to be fair, for the vast majority of those I didn’t actually complete a program of studies. The universities would award them upon my completion of a dissertation that sufficiently demonstrated my knowledge.

DF: Ha! Dissertations! Dissertations are a dime a dozen. For example… (whoosh, then back) There. I just wrote seven.

DR: Congratulations! Although I should say that quality matters a bit more than quantity. Were I concerned with the number of dissertations I produced, I could have written many more. No, I focussed on leaving a lasting impression on each field I touched upon, and have so far been imminently successful. No less than thirty-four of those fields have named research facilities after me. Surely, you’ve heard of the Rock Institute of Rock?

VL: That was referring to you? Impressive! I may be wrong, but I think you would be the first member of the Earth Guard with an institute named after them, isn’t that right, Doctor?

DF: No, you forget the Stanton Institute in Cambridge, though that was named for a charitable monetary donation, rather than any scientific discovery. For my own part, I output enough research on my own to match the discoveries of forty-three point six research facilities.

DR: Amazing! Though, I would draw your attention back to my early statement re: quantity.

VL: (laughs) SLAM!

DF: Amusing. And do you also have a medical degree?

DR: Alas! I do not. Between all my PhD’s I have not yet found the time to break into the health care field. That is one place you have me beat, being a licensed Podiatrist as you are.

VL: You’re a podiatrist?

DF: … I do a lot of running.

VL: I’ve got this painful toenail, think you could take a look?

DF: SPEAKING of running… do you have any superhuman abilities, Doctor, or is your knowledge your only attribute of note?

VL: Yeah, do you turn into rocks? Or throw rocks? Or control rocks, or something?

DR: No, nothing like that. My name is Jonathan Rock, PhD. Hence, Dr. Rock. In regard to my abilities, while my intellect alone would make me invaluable to any organization, the Earth Guard included, it is not my only amazing ability, no. In my late twenties, I developed a serum which, having tested it upon my person, has changed the physical attributes of my body for all time. Somehow, while the chemical composition of my body remains the same, the durability of those compounds has been boosted to unheard of levels. My entire body is completely invulnerable to harm of any kind.

VL: So, in a way, you could say you’re as hard as a rock?

DR: No, not really. In terms of actually hardness, my flesh is still as malleable as it was before, it just cannot be ruptured. And in terms of resilience, I am far superior than an rock, including diamond. Indeed, I have not been cut, bruised, aged, or otherwise damaged since that day. So, while my physical strength is that of a normal man, when in a fight-

DF: Wait, hang on right there!

DR: Yes?

DF: Did you say… I’m sorry, did you say you have not aged at all since that day?

DR: Correct. I look exactly as I did, that fateful day fourteen years ago.

VL: Uh-oh.

DF: You’ve… you’ve cured aging?

DR: (scoff) Well, I’d hardly put it that way. I’ve… let’s say I’ve discovered the key to suspending aging indefinitely. Why?

DF: Where is this serum? Do you have more? Why hasn’t it been mass marketed to the public? Why haven’t you stopped all aging? What is the formula?

DR: Doctor! Doctor! Please! I’m afraid I destroyed the formula.

DF: WHAT?!

DR: No, there are some things man is not meant to know. Man’s knowledge combined with eternal life makes him too close to a God. I would know. No, no one else should ever be burdened with the curse I have laid upon myself.

DF: What the hell is wrong with you, man?!? You call yourself a scientist?!? It isn’t your place to decide what is or isn’t mankind’s place! No man may stand in the way of technology! You’ve got to give the formula to mankind, and let us decide our own fate! Now, tell me the formula!

DR: I’m afraid I can’t do that.

DF: Not only can you, you must! All of mankind compels you!

DR: No, I can’t. I actually cannot, thanks to you.

DF: What… what do you mean by that?

DR: Your memory alteration device. Some years ago, you designed it? Something about time travel? I’m not sure of the details, but you published the theory behind it in High Science. Upon realizing what I’d done to myself, I knew no one else should be burdened with the same fate, but I knew I couldn’t keep the secret myself. Then I remembered your device, and I-

DF: NO! NOOOO! (leaves)

DR: Ah. Could you… could you tell him I’m sorry about that?

VL: Sure, if you want.

DR: Do you… do you think this will hurt my chances of getting into the guard?

VL: Not with me, it won’t.