Characters:
Narrator
Peaseblossom
Bumblebee
Argus
Stallion

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Peaseblossom and Bumblebee in "Guilty Looking."

(The Argus and Peaseblossom are in the Guard tower, working with the Stallion.)

Stal: And… there. Done. That’s our budget report for the year, and with an hour to spare. I couldn’t have pulled it off without your help, guys. Thanks.

A: It was our pleasure, Stallion. The Earth Guard is worth working for.

PB: Although, indeed, I would have much preferred the Stallion do his job before ‘tis late.

Stallion: Well, like I said, I appreciate the help, Peaseblossom. I’m going to head out, deliver it to Todd myself, make sure it gets to him on time. I’ll speak with both of you later. Have a good shift.

PB: Adieu! Until we meet again, my friend!

A: Thanks, Stallion! (Stallion leaves)

PB: Speaking of shifts, yours hath been long indeed. Should Bumblebee not be here by this hour? I do recall her name upon the chart, and did look forward to her… company.

A: I’m sure she’s just running late. Yes, she’s with… oh. Er, yes, she’s with… Dr. Fast.

PB: With Dr. Fast? And yet… you sound so strange.

A: No, no, it’s nothing. She’s on her way, as we speak, so no matter.

PB: What didst thou see, my friend? Speak plain and true.

A: Nothing, I-

PB: Come now, Argus, clearly you saw something.

A: Please, Peaseblossom, I… I have no place getting involved in people’s personal business! My powers are as much a burden as a blessing. I can’t allow myself to… to spy on my friends and colleagues and reveal their secrets!

PB: What secret hath the Bumblebee from me? The girl displays her wanton nature as a badge of honor high upon her breast. Unless, of course… the secret be not hers, but that of her companion in her-

A: Please, I can’t say any more. I musn’t!

PB: Is she with Barbara? Tell me true, Argus!

A: Peaseblossom, no, I-

PB: Deceive me not, or risk facing my wrath! Consider carefully the words you speak, lest I am forced to rend you limb from limb!

A: You can’t expect me to-

PB: Alas! The choice was yours to make! And now-

A: No! Wait, Peaseblossom, wait!

PB: What say you?

A: I, I can’t, but listen! The relationship between you and Barbara is your own business, not mine. Something I saw- or didn’t see! –shouldn’t be the basis of trouble between you two. If things have been fine between you, then things are fine. If things are strange between you, then I don’t want to make things-

PB: But things are not all right between us two! The other night Barbara flat out refused to-

A: Please, I shouldn’t even be discussing this! The things I see are not to be-

PB: Then you did see Barbara with Bumblebee?

A: No, I didn’t say that, I just-

(Bumblebee enters)

Bee: Hello there, Argus! Hiya, Peaseblossom! Did you miss me?

A: I’m afraid I must be going! Be seeing you, Bumbleebee! Good luck! (he leaves)

Bee: Good luck? What did he mean by-

PB: And where, pray tell, hast thou been all this time?

Bee: Who me? Am I late?

PB: I think thou know’st fair well that thou art late, ‘tis why thy cheeks did blanch to hear me ask, and why they redden even as I speak!

Bee: All right, all right! Jeez, Pease, what got you all worked up?

PB: (playing at being pleasant) Just answer me my simple inquiry, and all shall be serene, fair Bumblebee.

Bee: I was with Dr. Fast, working in the lab on the Golden Eel’s-

PB: Liar! Foul thing, thy lips deceive mine ears! Say on, if truth means so little to thee!

Bee: What?

PB: I say you lie! I know not where you were, but Doctor Fast has claimed the murder solved! Suspiria didst kill the Golden Eel, and now, deceased, she rots below the ground! Eel’s murder case is closed forever more! So what, again I ask, was Doctor Fast requiring your assistance on this day?

Bee: (laughing, faux-embarassed) All right, you caught us! The truth is Doctor Fast and I were being intimate. It was our first time together, so I couldn’t tear myself away. I wasn’t going to say anything, for his sake, but-

PB: More lies! Do you not know the truth’s embrace, woman, having lain down with lies so long? Canst thou not utter one true thing to me?

Bee: What? I’m not lying!

PB: Ho, now! She claims to speak the matter’s facts? Let me make plain your statement, if I may. You claim that you and Fast were intertwined and intimate, exchanging your fluids?

Bee: We were making love. You know, like you and I have so many-

PB: Then why deceive? You both are in the right- beholden to no one but your own selves. You’ve no reason to hide your coupling! Indeed, you’ve prattled on to every ear whene’er you fraternized with one of us! Wherefore dissemble now with Doctor Fast?

Bee: Irving is sensitive! I didn’t want to scare him off, telling his business to the rest of the Guard. Not everyone is comfortable having their sex life spread around in the tabloids.

PB: How well attuned you are to other’s needs! How sensitive to their feelings as well! And yet how willing to lie to my face!

Bee: I’m not lying! I was with Doctor Fast, and that’s that! I don’t know what you’re so suspicious of.

PB: Tis fair enough. With Doctor Fast. Indeed. And you, I can assume, would be willing to swear to that whilst on a truth potion?

Bee: What?!

PB: I have a daught of an elixir, which, when dripped upon the tongue, the speaker canst not help but speak the truth and only truth. If thou wouldst deign to take a drop of this-

Bee: No! Peaseblossom, this is ridiculous! I’m not taking some sort of truth serum!

PB: Because thou know’st it will reveal thy lies!

Bee: No! I just don’t see how what I was doing was any of your business at all, whether I was with Doctor Fast, or not.

PB: That would depend upon whom you are with!

Bee: Oh really? And just what exactly are you implying?

PB: You were with Barbara, weren’t you, deceiver?

Bee: You want the truth?

PB: Of course I do! Did not I ask for it?

Bee: Are you sure?

PB: Of course!

Bee: Are you really sure?

PB: Ye Gods, woman! Wilt thou never confess’t?

Bee: Fine. I was with Binary Girl.

PB: At last! The truth will out, be what it may!

Bee: I was with Binary Girl and we were making love. And as long as we’re sharing, I might as well tell you that she doesn’t love you.

PB: What? What are you-

Bee: Turns out, she never did. She’s going to leave you and focus on being with me, she’s just been waiting for the right time to tell you.

PB: No… that isn’t-

Bee: Oh, it is. Just a little something she shared with me as we snuggled in my bed and drifted off into a blissful sleep together last night.

PB: Ah-ha! Now I know that cannot be true! Binary Girl was at my home last night!

Bee: Oh, I know all about that! And about all the trouble you two had last night. Barbara refused to use her powers, didn’t she?

PB: Well, yes… but how did you…

Bee: You didn’t even consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, it was because she was already using them?

PB: What do you-

Bee: She was with me at the time. She wouldn’t split in two for you, because she was already split in two, and her other self was with me, enjoying the tingle of my embrace. Didn’t you wonder why she seemed so distracted all night?

PB: She was… with you?

Bee: (pleasant laugh) Oh, Peaseblossom! Don’t tell me you thought she actually… loved you, did you?

PB: But she always said-

Bee: Trust me; they always say that. It doesn’t make it any more true. To be honest with you, from what I hear, the rest of the Guard was always wondering what she saw in you. I mean, sure you’re pretty, but why would anyone want to be with a woman who was so full of herself as to actually say she was the most beautiful woman on Earth?

PB: But… I am the-

Bee: There’s actually been a pool going about when she would finally break it off with you. I didn’t join in, since I had insider information, but if I remember correctly… I think Stallion wins. He’ll be pleased.

PB: Stallion?

Bee: Well, he has this month, so as long as this counts, he takes the pot. Broadband will be sad- a few days later and he’d have had it. Maybe I’ll throw him a quickie… you know, as consolation.

PB: The entire guard has been laughing at me?

Bee: Well, I wouldn’t say they were laughing, really… more like they don’t have any respect for you and think that you’re such a lousy person inside that no amount of exterior beauty could cover up your true ugliness. I’m pretty sure… yeah, I think Mister Fahrenheit said that. But everyone seemed to agree.

PB: Well… well… that’s fine… I don’t need the Earth Guard. I am a fairy of the noblest birth, banish-ed though I may be at this time… there is more for me in this mortal world than any girl or super team could hold!

Bee: That’s the spirit! We don’t need you, you don’t need us, either!

PB: Jest while you can, you wanton harlot-ress! You’ll not have Peaseblossom to mock much more! (she activates the comm) Attention Guard! Peaseblossom speaks to you! This is my resignation from the team. Since you have not the decency in you to remain true to me, expect no less of me upon learning the truth of things. I shall away where none can follow me… as though you’d seek me out given the chance! I do expect to never see thee more, as you should all expect of me, henceforth. Adieu, Earth Guard, farewell! Peaseblossom out.

Bee: That was stirring. Empassioned.

PB: Fie on thee, lumpish urchin-snouted scut! (she leaves)

Bee: Well, that went well- (She turns into…)

Argus: -If I do say so myself. Soon, the Earth Guard will be reduced to nothing, and I, Suspiria, will crush the life out of them with my bare hands! Ba-hahahhahahahaaaa- (Bumblebee enters) Oh, hi there, Bumblebee!

Bee: Is she still here? Did I miss Peaseblossom? Where is she?

A: I’m afraid I don’t know… she just got more and more upset until she… well, you heard her. I think it had something to do with her and Binary Girl.

Bee: If only I’d gotten here sooner, I might have talked her out of it! I’m sorry I was late I was with Dr. Fast, and-

A: I know, I saw. First time, right?

Bee: That it was! I just couldn’t tear myself away half way through, you know? Irving is sensitive.

A: So, how was it?

Bee: Wonderful! I just wish I’d known you were watching… it would have made it even better.